To refuse to adjust my days for husbands son and to have a rant!

It's irrelevant whether he's your DSS or DS really. My 15 year old DS doesn't want to do anything with us either but I wouldn't let him rule our activities during the week-end ! I prepare food for him in the fridge and if he would like us to take him somewhere he has to tell us in advance. If he would call asking for a ride somewhere while we were out doing whatever I would laugh because it's definitely unreasonable entitled behaviour.

Tell your dh that you would expect to do the same when your dc become teenagers and you're having a day out so it has nothing to do with him not being your son. It's just basic common sense if you don't want to raise an entitled spoilt brat.

I got collected as well at this age. I only ever got the bus home from school. I got lift to after school stuff and friends houses. And all the kids in my family and friendship circle now get lifts from parents. Particularly to friends houses when there is usually no direct bus route.

yes there is occasional use of public transport during the day. And depending where they live they make their own way home from school. But loads of teens I know get lifts.

I had plenty of lifts from my parents when I was a teen back in the 80s & 90s and so did my friends.
I also often made my own way to places too.
But if a party was finishing late most parents would pick their kids up from it.
Some didn't and their kids who could drive indulged in drink/drug driving to get home. There were a few incidents and accidents around this.

Ferrying kids about & picking them up isn't the issue here, it's the way the OP's husband is letting his 15 year old control things and the resentment the OP now feels towards the child.

In a non blended household you would negotiate with the 15-yr old - we’re going our for the day and back at 7 so do you want to come/meet up for dinner/stay with a pal all day/stay on ur own. That’s the usual conversation. And similarly on nights out it would be something similar - do you want to stay home alone until 10 or go to a pals and we pick you up on the way home/order you a cab etc. So I get ur frustration- you don’t have that because your OH isn’t putting that into place and his ex is making demands in the background.

Nope, that’s not how it works I’m afraid. The needs of the entire family should be considered. ‘Children always comes first’ comes up all the time on these threads and it’s so reductive.

I think it is different with teens now sadly, with their online lives and the risks I feel parent need to or wish to remain more present in their lives day to day.

The thing I can't get over (and I think is really crazy) is everyone acting like a 15 year old is a helpless child who needs someone to run around and meet their every whim. Granted it's been 30 years since I was 15 but at 15 I had a drivers licence (yes the law has changed since then) had been working for over a year babysitting and helping in a shop, could run a household including cooking, laundry, cleaning and doing the shopping. As for socialising, it was 100% on me to organise and pay for. When do people expect their kids to grow up these days? No wonder so many young people have failure to launch - they're not being given any responsibility or authority. YANBU OP, I would find that incredibly frustrating.

I'm not sure anyone is being unreasonable here. It's an awkward phase in a family where there is an age range ,complicated by it being a blended family. Sounds like a practical solution to take 2 cars if you want to have regular long days out and he wants to still be there for his son.

As I said before, could it be a deliberate (even if subconscious) ploy from the SS to control things because he feels resentment over his step siblings having the "perfect" set up of mum & dad together?

The way he is acting is stopping his dad from having fun times with his other children and is getting his attention even if he isn't physically spending time with him. Or is it just your H's guilt that is controlling the situation?

I think your H needs to carve out some time just with his son to discuss things. Then he needs to gently put in some boundaries around weekends & what is going to happen going forward.

He also needs to be firmer with the ex who shouldn't be having a say in what happens when their son is with their dad.

Well I certainly didn't. Not everyone panders to their teens above all else Parents have a life too,- well some of us anyway

I have a teenage daughter and younger kids and often leave her home alone if she doesn't want to come. She has a phone so can ring me if she needs me and there's food at home she can do if she's hungry. There's no problem with it and if his mum has a problem with it maybe she should keep him at your some weekends so you can do stuff with your own children!

Your DH is an idiot, @yarlow.

At 15 most of the teens near here are babysitting until gone midnight on Friday and Saturday. Of course you can go out for a meal and not rush back.

Definitely sounds like a DH problem and the child's mum. If she is that unhappy about him being left, then why send him every weekend.

From what you have mentioned it's not like those activities would mean you were out for 8-6 and I imagine a day out is more 10-5. If the 15 year old is unable to be at home alone for this time then he has to suck it up and join in with the family.
DH needs to talk to him about boundaries when he is with you. If he wants to see friends and cannot make his own travel arrangements (walking, bus) he needs to ask in advance for a lift and not just expect to be given one. I always remember a friend's parent charging her son as they said they were not a taxi service and if he wanted to treat them like one they would act in the same way (I was a bit horrified at this when they picked us all up once and then said this to him!).
I also think if he is asking to stay weekends with dad then he needs to agree that he does not spend all of it in the room. He has asked to have every weekend at yours and therefore needs to respect your rules. If this is not going to happen then can DH have son over night in the week to balance out shared parenting? I think mum might feel differently if she is the one having to spend her weekend working around one child and may change her mind about length of time he can be left alone for.

I have a 16 year old son and he doesn’t always want to come with us if we are going out for the day and that’s fine. What I wouldn’t allow though is for him to dictate when we have to be back, he doesn’t want to come so he’ll be told that there is food in the fridge (normally a pizza) and if he needs to go anywhere it’s the bus or an uber.

I also have two adult step children and it was the same with them.

I definitely have had to plan things around picking my kids up from parties etc.
I ask them ahead of a party - can I have a drink later or will you need a lift home? And then drink non alcoholic drinks on a night out & keep my phone handy.

Their safety is always paramount but I have girls so don't like them getting cabs, night buses etc.
Although actually I don't think boys are any safer where we are, plenty have been mugged for their phones etc.

For me giving them lifts & picking them up is also about knowing where they are and what they are up to. Teens can be very secretive but I find this way I have more idea where they are going etc.
You will definitely be doing this when your kids are teens, even if you think now that you won't!

I so feel your frustration

Sat in all weekend so a 20 and 15 year old aren't alone. But they spend all night screaming at screens, and asleep all day. Then I can't even make a noise in rhe day in case they wake, whilst their dad delivers meals to their rooms

One of the main reasons I left 'DH'

We have a big age difference between the two kids, and when we were planning the days out we would also plan with the oldest in mind, as the younger was much easier to please and entertain and would just happily tag along to where everyone else was going (but we would avoid small kids places like softplay anyway, hate them). And so our teenager would (mostly) join the family activities. And within families I know the teenagers would join parents on many occasions so I do not recognise the "stereotypical" teen sitting behind the closed door the whole day long. Also the youngest would occasionally be taken to pick up the eldest from places, etc. We needed to find the balance between the needs of both. The teen therefore would then be happy to also spend time alone when we were doing something with the younger one, or babysit the younger when needed. It looks like in the situation needs rebalancing- doing something that would be interesting for everyone, both parents and children. When ours were babies/young would always take the kids to where we, the parents, want to go - museums, walks etc, so it was normal for children from young age to do some things they are not particularly interested in, but other family members are.

I have a 16 year old nephew who I regularly give lifts to. I miss the little boy who used to love spending g time with - I give him lifts because he will chat to me in the car.

All my friends have teens - they do a lot of taxi services and I have known nights out to change because a 17 year old needs collected form a party😊.

it might be better for your husband to be more involved in his weekdays? Does your husband ever collect him from school?

nit everything with a teen is expensive - swimming pool, movie night at home, gym, teach him to play pool, even a bucket of balls at a driving range isn’t expensive. Your husband could say they have to do something for two hours together every other weekend. Then is off weekends he gets to isolate in his room while you have time with the younger kids.

but I guarentee you, you will be running around after your kids when they are teens. You will be collecting them from friends houses. In winter you will be thinking it’s a bit dark for the bus after 5pm, I’ll just collect Lucy from her friends house. Or I’d like to eyeball where this party is. You will care more because they are your kids.

Teenagers are notoriously self absorbed and can be irritating to live with.
I think the danger here is that it comes across that you don't really like your SS. You kept saying you realise it's an H problem but your dislike and resentment of his other child screams out from all of your posts.

Yes, he's annoying but he's being allowed to be by your H who needs to patent him better and put in more boundaries with both his son and his ex. It's not solely the child's fault and blaming and resenting him is unfair.

Also have you considered that he felt pushed out when you and your H had kids & so subconsciously (or consciously?) likes to pull the strings at weekends and draw his father's attention to him?
Splits and second families are hard for kids however amicable things are and it doesn't sound like things are that amicable with the ex.

What has your relationship been with your SS over the years? Were you closer to him when he was younger or have you always felt a resentment towards him?

Sounds like the ex has too much input IMO. Hes 15, mine never wanted to come anywhere with us at that age, DH needs to explain to him that on x day we are going out for the day. Yout mothwr isnt happy for you to be left alone, so options are.

1. Come with us.

No date nights is ridiculous

Sounds very normal and we are in the same situation but with my own kids. It's annoying but unfair for you to be so respectful, you will need to deal with the same situation when your children are older.

We do a combination of dragging him along and leaving him at home, as well as making sure we are doing things he enjoys and also spending one on one time with him.

I have 3 kids and at times they all have to do things that wouldn't necessarily be their choice but we are part of a family and that's what happens. I am not saying they don't moan about it though!

Does your husband take him out on his own every so often and let him choose what they do? It can't always be just about what the younger ones want and he is expected to fit in.

At that age he should be able to stay in all day if he is sensible, however you shouldn't be doing that every weekend as he should be getting quality time with his family.

You talk about the expense of doing things that the older child will enjoy. Does your husband do things one to one with him?

It is very clear from your posts that you don’t value time with the older boy. He is an inconvenience to you and you resent your husband making an effort to spend time with him.

in ten years will you be giving lifts to your children at the weekends? Spending money in activities they will enjoy?

while I appreciate it is trusting having different ages children, it is clear from all your posts that this older child isn’t yours so you don’t see the point in you or your husband having any sort of relationship with him.

there isn’t any warmth towards him at all on any of your posts

How long is 'too long' to leave him alone, according to his parents? Does DSS struggle with loneliness when you are out, or is there worries about his safety or wellbeing (for example, can he not be trusted to make himself lunch or dinner?).
I think, putting the step child situation to the side, a 15yo should be able to be alone for a reasonable length of time. My kids are 14 and 16, and I would leave them in the evening to go for a meal. I would also leave them during the day to go out places for a good few hours. Mine are very trustworthy and capable, and feel confident about being home alone though. We obviously stay in touch while out etc. During the school holidays I have no choice but to leave them home alone as I work full time but we have things in place e.g. a procedure for if they want to go out / a dedicated whatsapp group which we use to check in over the day / we have a camera at the front and back of the house / rules for phones being on loud and locations on / shared details about what is in for lunch etc.
If your DSS is a typical 15yo and able to fend for himself, it sounds like it's time his parents let go a little.