To refuse to adjust my days for husbands son and to have a rant!

yarlow · 2025-03-15T19:19:27+00:00

Just need a bit of a rant, I know I'll receive judgement but I'm also hoping someone else is in a similar position and can help me with coping with teen SS. He is 15 and honestly I have reached the point where I absolutely resent him being here. It feels pointless him even coming these days. He now stays every weekend basically (his choice as closer to best friend here). He never wants to do anything other than go out with friends or sit in his room. Now I understand this is just what teens do. They don't want to hang out with their families at this age, fine. But im sick to death of it dictating our weekends. H won't force him to come out with us (young DC), and frankly I'm glad in a way as he'd spend the entire time moaning he was bored or wanting to go home, but he also insists we can't stay out too long if SS is at home because he doesn't want him at home alone all day (something his mum goes mad about). It makes no fucking difference if we are there or not, all we do at home is sit in the house while he sits upstairs playing his game console. He doesn't want to do anything with us anyway. If SS does go out for the day you can guarantee there will be calls at some point during our day asking H to leave and collect him from somewhere or whatever else when he decides he wants to go home. I have now said to H I am done with it affecting our weekends. If we have plans and SS doesn't want to join then fine. But I am NOT cutting my day short with my kids so that we can all just sit in the same house so SS isnt "alone" or to go collecting him or dropping him off somewhere. From now on I've said we will go in separate cars and if H wants to go off early he can but I won't be anymore. Another Saturday today dictated by my husbands lack of ability to say no. I'm so sick of it, sick of SS and sick of H. I am fully aware this is teens and ill have the same with mine. But God I am just fed up of it now, I'd really rather wish he just didn't come anymore, what's the point, he spends no time with his dad anyway and its not for lack of offering of trying.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/03/2025 16:29

Whoarethoseguys · 16/03/2025 11:18

I agree if he does want to come out with you it's fine to leave him home alone that's what I would do with my own children and you shouldn't hurry back. Your husband should just ignore his ex wives complaints.
But you are being unreasonable saying your husband shouldn't pick him up or give him lifts again this is what happens with teenagers.
You obviously don't like him though which is the main issue. But whether you like it or not he is your husband's son and part of your extended family.

Yes this is fair enough and the two cars idea is a good one.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/03/2025 16:28

I agree you have a DH problem. DSS is just doing what he can get away with, like many teens.

I have a DD 16 and she gets a choice if she wants to come somewhere with me and younger one. If she does want to, I don’t rush back. Yes I do spend time with her 121 and all together as a family but she wouldn’t expect me to rush back for no reason.

At that age they can pretty much look after themselves if needs be, can’t they?

Jabtastic · 17/03/2025 16:28

When I was young and single I walked away from a relationship because of this exact situation. I'm not unsympathetic but sadly it was predictable.

DisneyTokyoNewbie · 17/03/2025 16:24

Valeriekat · 17/03/2025 16:21

Oh here we go again! How dare OP have boundaries when she married a man with children.

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Boundaries are not the same as demanding your husband tells his child they are not welcome in their own home. Op should have considered her boundaries before she offered to share a home with a child that wasn't hers. Their home IS his son's home just as much as it is her home.

Valeriekat · 17/03/2025 16:21

HaveCreditWillShop · 15/03/2025 19:25

So you’ve taken on a man with kids, and now you’re surprised that’s a bit tricky?! Oh dear.
to be honest you’ve got about 2 years till he learns to drive and the. You’re going to see much less of him. I think you’ve got to suck it up buttercup. You’ve married someone with children and ALL the children come first.

Oh here we go again! How dare OP have boundaries when she married a man with children.

saraclara · 16/03/2025 11:34

Why is the mother dictating what happens at your house? Your DH is an equal parent, and his son spends more time at your house than his mother's, if it's every weekend and 50% of evenings.

Your DH needs to make it clear that when he's responsible for the boy, he gets to parent his way.

Whoarethoseguys · 16/03/2025 11:18

I agree if he does want to come out with you it's fine to leave him home alone that's what I would do with my own children and you shouldn't hurry back. Your husband should just ignore his ex wives complaints.
But you are being unreasonable saying your husband shouldn't pick him up or give him lifts again this is what happens with teenagers.
You obviously don't like him though which is the main issue. But whether you like it or not he is your husband's son and part of your extended family.

blackpooolrock · 16/03/2025 11:17

A 15 yr old can be in the house all day on their own - it's not a big deal. If he doesn't want to be in the hse on his own he comes with you. If he doesn't want to come he doesn't get a say over what you do when you're away. He fends for himself. If he doesn't like it... he needs to change, not you. He doesn't dictate what the family do.

If the 15yr olds mum is calling her ex, your partner, saying do this, do that, don't leave your son etc. tell her to sod off and mind her own business.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/03/2025 11:12

Your dh needs to put far more effort in to finding things a 15yr old likes doing. Of course a 15yr old doesn’t want to go to the park or a farm. What they do want is lifts to see their friends if walking isn’t available. They aren’t very good at planning yet and also can be beholden to a friends time table so they aren’t ‘dictating’ that you give them a lift, rather stating the time they need the lift which is often short notice and not necessarily their own fault. From the 15yr olds point of view, you are both spending hours and a few pounds on the younger children and on what they want to do, but are begrudging him a half hour car ride and a few pounds petrol for what he wants to do. The thing my dd likes to do most is go in to London with friends so I spent lots of time from age 12-15 getting her ready for it. It honestly doesn’t sound like your husband has put any effort at all in to finding out what his son would like to do.

Imbusytodaysorry · 16/03/2025 11:06

yarlow · 16/03/2025 08:25

You talk about the expense of doing things that the older child will enjoy. Does your husband do things one to one with him?

The mention of money was because PPs have said things about theme parks, go karting etc which H does do with SS from time to time but obviously those sort of things are not cheap so in reality you cannot do them often. Things like a walk, NT place, farm park, bike rides are done much more frequently because they are cheap or free. Going bowling, cinema, amusement parks or whatever SS may like every weekend is not practical though H does try and do these things on occasion with him.

He is an inconvenience to you and you resent your husband making an effort to spend time with him

I don't resent H spending time with him. What I resent is H sitting downstairs in the house while SS sits upstairs and doing that instead of spending time with us doing something enjoyable so he isn't "alone". That is not spending time with SS imo. That's just being in the same house at the same time. If H said to me he wants to spend time with SS actually doing something with him I'd not have a problem at all. It's the pointless "oh he can't be alone so we must all just sit there in the same house not interacting" shit I hate. There's absolutely no point in that imo.

in ten years will you be giving lifts to your children at the weekends? Spending money in activities they will enjoy?

I'd like to think I won't be rushing home from what I'm doing at the demands of my 15yo personally. If I'm about and doing nothing fair enough, if I'm out and busy why would I? Is that what you do?

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I do not agree on some points here . You can afford lunch out for your younger kids and meals out with your dh , also your looking for weekend away . I am sure you can do once a month go karting for your dh and ss.

If you want a weekend away book it and get dh to tell SS in two week you need to be at your mums as we are away. .

TammyJones · 16/03/2025 11:04

frecklejuice · 16/03/2025 09:00

I have a 16 year old son and he doesn’t always want to come with us if we are going out for the day and that’s fine. What I wouldn’t allow though is for him to dictate when we have to be back, he doesn’t want to come so he’ll be told that there is food in the fridge (normally a pizza) and if he needs to go anywhere it’s the bus or an uber.

I also have two adult step children and it was the same with them.

Love this.
a very sensible and calm post.

Imbusytodaysorry · 16/03/2025 11:01

@yarlow this really is a husband problem .
This is teenage life and can /could be sorted.
Plan your day ask as if he is coming .If SS says no fair enough we will be out untill such and such a time . Or well we are going out .
Tell him you will call on way home and see if he needs a lift . Tell him days your home a lift is no problem .
Dh tells ex that son is welcome but if he doesn’t want to Come for days out then he will be home untill you get back then it’s the exes call wether to keep the teenager home. Can you do Saturday days out and Sunday family meal and walk .

If your dh doesn’t sort this out you know where his priorities lay.
Just don’t be turning your frustration to SS instead of dh .

CantStopMoving · 16/03/2025 10:53

JustWalkingTheDogs · 15/03/2025 19:34

Sounds like a typical weekend with a teenager. Them not wanting to join in on family stuff and you needing to be a taxi service sounds about right. You’ll find yourself in the same position when your dc are teens.

Just do as you say, 2 cars, don’t let him disrupt your family time, and your dh should taxi him about.

Not a typical weekend for anyone I know. Not sure where this stereotyping comes from but we still do things with our teens and they are happy to spend time with us. They also spend time with their mates as well.

TheCurious0range · 16/03/2025 10:46

Surely if he wants lifts this is requested in advance not demanding someone comes back from an outing he refused to go on?!
My parents were always the ones running me and my friends around but even they would draw the line at this.
Also I started waitressing in a local pub at 15 and didn't finish work until ten, so I don't see why it's an issue with him being at home if you're out in the evening.

TammyJones · 16/03/2025 10:43

HaveCreditWillShop · 15/03/2025 19:25

So you’ve taken on a man with kids, and now you’re surprised that’s a bit tricky?! Oh dear.
to be honest you’ve got about 2 years till he learns to drive and the. You’re going to see much less of him. I think you’ve got to suck it up buttercup. You’ve married someone with children and ALL the children come first.

Bit harsh.
I had 2 step sons ( both lovely adult men now with their own families)
they didn’t act like this young lad.
they joined in with our family and all 4 kids got on famously.
if they’d stayed in their rooms playing video games their dad would have had something to say about it.
they were particularly involved with their younger siblings who adored them.

Cosyblankets · 16/03/2025 10:42

Josiezu · 16/03/2025 10:35

Let’s see how often you’re going to force your ‘real’ child to go to a farm park at 15 and whether you’re annoyed they don’t want to go.

That is not what she is saying though. She is saying that they can never have a full day or because of the child's mother and her demands

Josiezu · 16/03/2025 10:35

Let’s see how often you’re going to force your ‘real’ child to go to a farm park at 15 and whether you’re annoyed they don’t want to go.

Cosyblankets · 16/03/2025 10:34

Wearealldoingourbest · 16/03/2025 09:32

The thing I can't get over (and I think is really crazy) is everyone acting like a 15 year old is a helpless child who needs someone to run around and meet their every whim. Granted it's been 30 years since I was 15 but at 15 I had a drivers licence (yes the law has changed since then) had been working for over a year babysitting and helping in a shop, could run a household including cooking, laundry, cleaning and doing the shopping. As for socialising, it was 100% on me to organise and pay for. When do people expect their kids to grow up these days? No wonder so many young people have failure to launch - they're not being given any responsibility or authority. YANBU OP, I would find that incredibly frustrating.

Where did you live in 1990 to get a licence at 15?

saraclara · 16/03/2025 10:31

arethereanyleftatall · 15/03/2025 19:38

I’ve zero sympathy for you. You knew he had a child when you married him, yet you did it anyway. Of course you hate having an unrelated 15 year old boy in your house, it sounds utterly horrible. But you chose this. The child didn’t, and now has to live 50% of his time with someone who resents him being there, even though he has no choice. He’s just being 15. 2 cars is a good idea.

He's choosing to! He wants to spend every weekend there because it's nearer to his best mate!

Cosyblankets · 16/03/2025 10:30

HaveCreditWillShop · 15/03/2025 19:25

So you’ve taken on a man with kids, and now you’re surprised that’s a bit tricky?! Oh dear.
to be honest you’ve got about 2 years till he learns to drive and the. You’re going to see much less of him. I think you’ve got to suck it up buttercup. You’ve married someone with children and ALL the children come first.

But all the children are not coming first.
This child is being allowed to dictate what the whole family can do every single weekend.
OP your husband needs to stand up to the teen's mother and tell her to mind her own business. When he's in dad's care it's not up to her what happens. If she doesn't want to leave him all day that's her choice but she doesn't get to set rules that affect what you can do.
The fact that he's a step child doesn't give him more rights.
And no it's not that he's not wanted. He's being a teen doing what teens do. Except the only difference here is that no one is standing up to him for fear of conflict.

Shinyandnew1 · 16/03/2025 10:30

I would day to the mum and son that the weekends are clearly causing problems with mum and you can't leave him alone and you can stay in with younger children, so it's best to revert back to 50/50 at weekends and do every other.

Panterusblackish · 16/03/2025 10:29

HaveCreditWillShop · 15/03/2025 19:25

So you’ve taken on a man with kids, and now you’re surprised that’s a bit tricky?! Oh dear.
to be honest you’ve got about 2 years till he learns to drive and the. You’re going to see much less of him. I think you’ve got to suck it up buttercup. You’ve married someone with children and ALL the children come first.

She took on the man, not the kids. They're his responsibility not hers.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 16/03/2025 10:28

HaveCreditWillShop · 15/03/2025 19:25

So you’ve taken on a man with kids, and now you’re surprised that’s a bit tricky?! Oh dear.
to be honest you’ve got about 2 years till he learns to drive and the. You’re going to see much less of him. I think you’ve got to suck it up buttercup. You’ve married someone with children and ALL the children come first.

Er, yeah, so why should the OP's kids not be able to have days out at weekends because of their stepbrother?

Naunet · 16/03/2025 10:26

Wearealldoingourbest · 16/03/2025 09:32

The thing I can't get over (and I think is really crazy) is everyone acting like a 15 year old is a helpless child who needs someone to run around and meet their every whim. Granted it's been 30 years since I was 15 but at 15 I had a drivers licence (yes the law has changed since then) had been working for over a year babysitting and helping in a shop, could run a household including cooking, laundry, cleaning and doing the shopping. As for socialising, it was 100% on me to organise and pay for. When do people expect their kids to grow up these days? No wonder so many young people have failure to launch - they're not being given any responsibility or authority. YANBU OP, I would find that incredibly frustrating.

Agree with this, I moved out as soon as I turned 16, I was working full time and living independently 100 miles away from family. I'm not saying that's ideal, but the babying of teens is ridiculous.

Naunet · 16/03/2025 10:23

olympicsrock · 15/03/2025 19:51

Clearly not a mother of a teen. If he was your own , you would just balance the everyone’s needs. You married a man with a child.

A 15 year old doesnt 'need' his family to be home all day whilst he games in his bedroom or sees friends. Being a step parent doesn't mean you have to abandon yourself and become a doormat to a childs (or in this case, ex wife's) demands.