To think we all want to be mothered no matter how old we are?

YANBU I think when my Mum dies it will be the biggest loss of my life. I am 48 and even now she waits in the wings to pick me up when I fall and wraps this huge blanket of love around me. It is the most precious thing and I will miss her so so much when she is gone.

A good mother does ‘nurture’ ………equips the child ready for adulthood .
are we defining mothering in this quote as someone who fusses around smothering you?
maybe I’m misunderstanding.

I'd go with this. Someone to take care of me when needed. I don't want or need to be mothered. A very good friend occasionally tried to mother me, I was going in a car to an indoor space. I was warmly dressed but no 'big coat'. Where's your coat?' she asked. I'm in my 60s and I find it very irritating.

That is so sad …..And you done the right thing….she is missing so much

@Movingon2024
its so worth it - lots of luck!

Thank you so much @TammyJones . Will try that.

I'm not entirely sure what that feels like as my mum was mentally ill and very unpredictable.

I live by myself and it would be nice to have someone who looked after me when I'm ill, but other than that I'm not sure what it involves.

My childhood was pretty chaotic and I'm very independent.

This is the first time I ve realised I don't ever remember sitting in my mother's arms. I remember her looking after me when I got a nose bleed on holidays, and putting coins on my forehead (daft, probably playing up to a male audience) to cool my forehead down.

I don't remember much nurturing, she was kind and also a nurse, so she would nurse you, put you to bed, bring you scrambled eggs, but no nurturing. She also had empathy fatigue and played up to men a lot.

No I don't want to be smothered, as I had a nurse, not a nurturing mother.

I’m a little older you and totally feel for you.
I’ve looked to ex husband s, bosses, friends , my sister (complete disaster- sibling rilvary)
my dh is very good - excellent with children and dogs lol.
But true mothering and recovery ( my dm was lovely but lovely ,but, um, let’s say in inmature on occasion) - comes from within.
it’s positive self talk - you’re ok, you do this , just take a breathe, it’ll be ok , you’re ok just as you are …. Etc.
it’s what you wished your mum told you , but didn’t.
its hard and it’s on going.
I did CBT which was really helpful about 8 years ago

@TammyJones how did you learn to mother yourself please?

I am 54. Abusive and narcissistic parents. Mother didn’t give a shit but did care about ‘appearances’. Have spent a lifetime looking for a mother figure, like you described. And failed.

I have done a lot of thinking about my mum this past year and realised alot. She’s never hugged us, doesn’t say she loves us, doesn’t ask if we’re ok, never visits her kids or grandkids. She doesn’t listen or have any interest when you speak to her. One of my siblings is NC with her and I am heading the same way, I’ve already been fading out but I kept trying with her. Yesterday I tried to speak to her about something I had struggled with this week and she didn’t care one bit, not even looking up from her endless scrolling. I think in that moment I shut down and decided it’s time to leave her to it.

I am now a mother so I try to focus on that. I always think of my MIL as my second mother / replacement mother but she passed away too. I've stopped looking for it now.

I feel like this sometimes. My mum is still alive but we've never been close and I've definitely tried to find in others (friends or partners over the years) what I've not had from my mum.

Single now and more independent than I've ever been but it's hard work and hasn't come easily to me in some ways at least.

I honestly think I'd be too wary of leaning on anyone much again.

I think it depends on the person.

I had quite a traumatic upbringing and pretty much raised myself - there were also plenty of times that I cared for my Mother as she was too drunk or high to care for herself.
I left home as soon as I turned 16 and was extremely independent, equally pushing other people away and not wanting any offers of help.

I met DW when I was 29. She's the most kind, caring and snuggly person I've ever met, and she's massively helped me realise that I always wanted to be Mothered, I just didn't realise how it felt to receive that kind of love from someone.

Just to add - DW doesn't Mother me, just re-read and realised how it sounded! She shows me love and understanding as a wife which made me realise I needed it from my Mum when I was younger.

God no, not me..

I think what you describe is an ideal that no real living breathing mother truly lives up to 100 percent of the time. Some people here have given examples of mothers who clearly don't meet the ideal, for instance by being abusive. But even for those of us who see our mothers as wonderful figures in our lives, I suppose the reality is that our mothers WILL have judged us sometimes (even if they didn't show it); they WILL have expected something in return, even if they never articulated this openly or weee not consciously aware of it; they will NOT have truly known us inside and out because it is just not possible for one human being to know and understand another human being fully, even if we feel like they're close.

To live up to this ideal completely, all the time, a mother would have to be a saint, a robot, an inhuman figure, a fantasy woman, not a real person with their own wants and needs.

Yet I think most of us crave the ideal at times and either end up unwittingly dehumanising and over-idealising our own mothers or end up demonising them as inadequate. No doubt everyone with children will find that their children do the same to them one day.

No. I hate being infantilised.

An interesting question which brings to mind what I did have and what I didn't. The feeling is so good when my adult daughters buy me a thoughtful present or make something just for me. It's the being held in mind I think.

My mother was a heroin addict & my dad raised us. He died of brain cancer last year & now I’m totally alone raising a DD. I wish someone would just take care of me sometimes. Instead I’m being the mother I wish I had when I was a little girl.

I'm so worried I don't mother my own kids enough/properly.
My mum wasn't typically motherly at all. When I was younger I thought it/she was so cool, and that those mums who cooked/cleaned/gave lifts/cuddles etc were a bit lame
Now I'm older i realise a lot of that was bravado, and being independent from a young age wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
I felt resentful towards my ex DH sometimes as he was never the type to "look after" me...but when questioned he'd say i was too independent and didn't allow myself to be looked after.
I do still find it very hard to accept help, but now I'm older and tired I'd really love someone just to make it all better!

My mother died a few years ago but from late junior school I hated being fussed over. After I had left home I would sometimes feel desperate to return to see them but the reality was always disappointing. I loved them dearly but I felt my mother in particular never really saw me as an adult maybe because I moved several hours away and they never really got to know me as an adult. Phone calls were always just my mum talking and I switched off which I now regret. I felt that she thought telling me about her life was more important than asking about mine. My relationship with my father who is still alive was much easier I think because I felt he treated me more as an adult and let me grow up and change.

So many of us had unmotherly mothers, it seems! 🤗 As someone said upthread, I would sometimes like someone to 'wife' me when I'm ill - to take care of the basic domestics so I can just hide like a cat until I'm well again.

But the idea of being 'mothered' makes me nervous because, if mine ever had to do any caring, you'd pay for it later... being ill or sad was akin to being 'naughty' - Mama's needs were paramount, and you'd better not forget it.

There is no problem that wouldn't be made much, much worse by taking it to her... I hid a cancer diagnosis from her because she'd have done and said everything wrong and shamed me for it. Then she'd have concocted an illness of her own which would, of course, have been far more serious... 🙄

I'm glad for the people who had lovely Mums, and send solidarity to those of us who had rotters... 🤗

Yes, I feel like this often. My mum died when I was 7 and I am now a single parent. When I hear my friends talk about going to their mums and being looked after, or calling them for advice, oh man it still hurts!
I was watching my child in a school performance a couple of years ago, and he beamed and waved at me when he saw me. And it hit me how much I am missing that from my life - someone to be proud of me, cheer me on, who loves me above all others. But I did have that for a time, and for that I’m very grateful. I know many people aren’t that lucky

Hmm. Im
43 and currently visiting my parents. We get on very well. But they do still treat me like a child sometimes. They will tick me off if I say something wrong, etc. And for goodness sake stop telling me to get up in the morning. Tell me what time we are going out and I will be ready. No prompting required.🤣 I have a responsible job, a mortgage and a cat. I enjoying them washing up and cooking. And buying me luck though.