Moved in with elderly mum, hate it but stuck

I'd strongly advise you to move. You're unhappy, your kids are unhappy and frankly it's not going to get any easier - your cannot make your mum change her personality and in my experience she may become nastier as people with dementia often lose their filters. Plus caring for someone with alzeihmers is so difficult and exhausting. You owe it to your kids (and yourself but I think you might not be able to see that) to live somewhere you're not shouted at and made to feel rubbish. Your MH is not going to improve by staying there and I think your kids will suffer too - from being exposed to the shouting and unhappiness, and by having a mum who's MH will (understandably) decline.

I think I'd move out as soon as I could, either by renting or buying or moving back to your old area (if you moved areas to move in with your mum). Your siblings opinions do not matter, only yours and your kids. They could move in with your mum if they want! But they have no say on where you live and how much you chose or not to interact with your mum.

Good luck.

RUN!

Old people with Alzheimer’s are not always going to be lovely! Goes with the territory. Social services won’t care about anything with the op in the house. In our case, no assessment with me being 45 mins drive away. So if OP stays local she’s in for caring anyway. Her DC might have a better life though. So I would prioritise them.

Here are your steps to get out of this:

1. search Rightmove and find a house yiu like
2. buy it
3. move out of your mother’s and in to your new house
4. ignore your siblings because you are a grown up and you don’t have to do what they tell you do

Your children are your priority.
You shouldn't have done this.
Completely ignore your siblings whom are suiting themselves.
Get moving on this asap.

You need to have the best environment to balance / restore your MH.
Your DM needs will progress and deteriorate to a level you cannot imagine.

Your DCs have only one childhood to generate emotional stability which will help them avoid chronic MH issues in their teens/adult lives.

You need to provide them with a calm, gentle consistent home where you are stable.

We all only have finite headspace, time, energy and emotional capacity - prioritise investing this in your DCs now to yield life long benefits. They are most vulnerble and need you to make the best choice.

Move out and rent asap. Your DCs are the priority. Get yourself better and turn this around.

Your DCs are your priority. I feel sorry for them. Get out of there.

Tell your siblings your decision when your offer on a house has been accepted and solicitors have been instructed. Tell them that it’s happening and you won’t be persuaded otherwise. Don’t be apologetic. If their inheritance is eroded by carer costs, so be it.

Don’t put your DC through more of this. It’s not appropriate.

Bollocks. If the adult (OP) is under 60 there is no right for her or her children to remain in the house if mom would otherwise be dependent on the local authority to fund her care. The only time it doesn't happen is when the other occupants are vulnerable/disabled.

And for the OP - it sounds like your siblings got their attitude and manners directly from mom. Tell them you are moving out, then move out, and personally I'd be cutting contact with them all.

fyi - My MiL was one of the sweetest people in the world and I came to hate the fact we were living with her. Can't imagine starting the same thing with someone who is right down vile and nasty.

OP just buy yourself somewhere and move out with your children.

This is not your siblings' decision to make. Ignore them.

Why did you quote the whole OP?
Yours was literally the first response.

Ignore your siblings. Save yourself.

Your siblings are bullying you into staying so that they don't have to support you or your mum or offer care

Your mum won't get better in her behaviour

Please don't put her before your kids, they'll end up resenting you and the situation

If you can afford it, as you say, I think the best way forward is to buy your own place for you and your children. You can still dip in and help your DM when you feel you have the strength but it sounds like she will need more than you can realistically offer on your own. At least have somewhere you can retreat to to recharge your batteries. You and your children need some space.

Your mother needs professional social and medical care. And you’re all too busy squabbling like toddlers. Your poor mum.

Seems like you’ve already listened to your siblings too much. So tell them to sod off and do what you like.

I would stop asking your siblings for advice they won’t give you the answers you want. It isn’t up to them it’s your life and they aren’t helping when it’s 24/7. Start looking for your own space as you can afford it. Your mum may then be entitled to more care if you’re not living there.

Get out. Do what's best for you and your kids, no one else.

But your #1 job is to give your kids a good life, isn't it.

Fuck that. Move out.

It has nothing to do with your siblings. You need to do what YOU want to do. Especially if your children hate it too.

Which was exactly OPs siblings modus operandi.
Sneaky so and sos

What do your kids want to do? If they are in agreement then move. Your siblings want you and your kids there to play carer for your mum, saving them a tonne of effort and a fortune in inheritance. Don’t tell them you are looking and say nothing until you have signed on the dotted line as they will try to talk you down and make you feel guilty. You are just as entitled to a nice life as they are, and it’s clear that staying with your mother is not good for your, or your children’s, mental health.

Why did you have to sell your house to move in with mother?

Anyway, get out now. I was nearly you but got sense. I love mother but not enough to live with her.

You can’t be required to sell a house to pay care home fees if an adult who sold their own home to move in with the cared for person still lives in the house.

Buy the house you can afford. Doing so has nothing to do with your siblings and everything to do with the happiness of you and your kids.
Your siblings just want free care for their mum and don’t want future costs to impact on their potential inheritance. They are taking advantage of you !

Buy the house
You and your siblings may need to arrange care for your mum. Don’t do this alone, insist they get involved.

Don't listen to your siblings. If your mum should die tomorrow they'd kick you out as soon as the house sold.

Has your mum made a will - who are the beneficiaries?

Are there Powers of attorney in place?