Moved in with elderly mum, hate it but stuck

Your siblings can fuck all the way off. They are just thinking about their inheritance here and fully plan to use you as a live in carer. I’m sorry they convinced you to do this in the first place.

Fair enough TizerorFizz.

Perhaps I was a little harsh on the op, especially when she has been struggling with her mh.

If I am honest, I was a little thrown by her first sentence, which seemed to cast blame on others. I wasn’t asking difficult questions for the sake of it, but rather to encourage the op to confront why she is giving up so much personal autonomy to her siblings? There must be a reason behind it?

I apologise if I came on too strong.

Go ahead and buy your own place. Don't bother discussing it with anyone. Just do it.

Get carers in for your mother asap and stop doing anything for her. It's not your responsibility.

Remember the principle of not setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

I did the same op and I admit that it was partly because I benefitted financially (I'm autistic and have chronic health problems). My DM wasn't even diagnosed with dementia and no-one would believe she had it so I had to suffer all her nastiness and paranoia on my own. Towards the end she was even trying to turn my DS against me. I was a prisoner for eighteen months, not allowed to do anything - even buying a desk for my son's room was a huge week-long ordeal. Not allowed out of the house without her and if I did, she'd give me the silent treatment for a week. If I asked my sibling for help he'd more or less ignore me.

I imagine you haven't mentioned any financial benefits because you'd be slaughtered on here. I read too much Jane Austen to be concerned about that...practicality comes first. You need to balance the financial benefits with the damage done to your mental health and the potential damage to your relationship with your children.

This is perfect 👏 Do this Op. You have to put yourself and children first.

You may find when you have your own home and space that you have more energy and grit to help your mother too. Hopefully you and siblings can arrange carers etc. and now you aren't in your mother's house it could perhaps be sold to pay for care etc.

Get out of there asap. If you don't care about being abused by your mum atleast protect your dc. Ofcourse your CF siblings wanted you as a free live in carer, easy for them. Just leave and tell siblings that you need to either put mum in a care home or getting her a carer.

Tell them all to fuck themselves.

Seriously, you’re all sacrificing you’re children’s mental healths for the sake of your bitter old mum.

Time to step up and prioritise them and yourself, I’d do whatever it takes to leave.

Your kids are unhappy. That's all ypu need to know.

Hi Siblings, as you know I agreed to try moving in with Dmum but unfortunately it isn't working out for us as a family. Obviously my kids are my priority so I will be moving out in the next 6 months or so. Happy to discuss how we arrange carers for mum after this point.

Clearly you need to get out, to save yourself and your children. You've tried living with her and it's too hard - none of your siblings even bothered trying to care for her but you did.

Start looking for another house now. Don't tell your siblings or your mother - no need to do that until the house purchase is going through.

Is your mother capable of living on her own at the moment, without being in actual danger? If so, you could leave it until shortly before you move to ask social services for her to be assessed. If you think she will need care once you've moved, SS should be contacted earlier than that - would your siblings need to be informed about that?

Do social services need to be involved at all in the short term? Could you not simply arrange for private carers for her, until her condition deteriorates, paid for by her? Do you have Power of Attorney for her? If not, you might still have time to set it up if she still has some capacity.

(The Martin Lewis Money Show covered Power of Attorney this week, and the episode is on ITVx: https://www.itv.com/watch/the-martin-lewis-money-show-live/2a1827/2a1827a0169 )

I would suggest getting advice from Citizen's Advice or Age UK, as soon as possible, to clarify what you need to do to get appropriate care for her, at what point social services need to be involved, etc.

(There's lots of information and advice on the Age UK website about getting care: https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/ )

If necessary, could your doctor provide evidence of your mental health struggles with this situation, to provide justification for you moving out to save your health?

But please, please get out. You can't sacrifice yourself and your children when there are other options. You're lucky that you have the means to buy another home, so please do it.

It's not an easy situation but you do have a route out, so please take it. I wish you luck.

This

Buy the two up two down now while you can. my sister and I share care of our mother with mixed dementia. She's still a happy and nice person, she's continent and she's living independently with carers three times a day plus us within ten minutes. And you know what? It's hard. I couldn't live with her. We need our space to get away. You have children too. You must put yourself and your children first. It sounds as though your siblings have shafted you. Get out now while you still have the financial capital and the mental resilience to do it

Tutorpuzzle · Today 17:05

Your mother needs professional social and medical care. And you’re all too busy squabbling like toddlers. Your poor mum.

Did you miss the bit where the mum is spiteful and nasty, and the siblings are CFers??

@Beyondthewindowsill555When people start getting ill they are not necessarily who they were. Their worst personality traits get worse. You visit occasionally and it doesn’t surface. Living with someone it’s very different. I think the op was trying to be kind. She’s now realised she cannot cope and neither can DC. She might have thought that in a larger house, they could separate out, but it’s not her house. She’s beholden to DM. She’s been persuaded to help but it’s probably been “sold” as more space and being dutiful. So she’s been pressurised. However dc come first so moving out should be a priority.

I second this OP!

buy the two up two down in the less desirable area. It will be yours and your kids' home, your own front door and your rules. As for your siblings, they and you will have to work out a fair way of seeing to your mum's needs, they have tried to play you and think that with you living with your mum they can do eff all.

Go. And don’t regret. Your kids have to come first in this scenario (and your MH).

Arrange carers, or get POA for your mum and find her a care home.

Get out now!!! Get looking at houses and arrange that as soon as you can.
Then inform your siblings.
Then start enquiring with council and health services to get carers sorted for your mother or enquire about social housing for her. Get power of attorney etc. sorted.
Good luck!

Why do you care? It was just a mistake on my part.

Buy your own place. What will happen to your mother’s house when she passes or needs care?

Stop doing what your siblings want, you need to be an adult now.

Start looking for a new house. If you have the money, then it makes sense to buy it, even if you tell your siblings you don't plan to live in it/plan to rent it out. You can then see how things go with your mum and move into your house at your leisure/when things get too bad with her.

Honestly, but something. Give yourself a safety net. Your siblings only want you there to do the nursing so that they don't have to, and they save their inheritance going on nursing home fees. But you need to save your own sanity and that of your children.

Why will she? Because her brothers don’t want to pull their weight?

Start saying no OP. Just no. And say it a lot. You’ll get flak because it means other people feel uncomfortable that they’re doing nothing. Not your problem.

Get your own home and get out now. When your Mum dies your siblings will evict you soon enough to get their share so don't feel a moments guilt or allow yourself to be pressured.

My Dad who I love, has advanced Alzheimer's and it's so bastard hard and just gets worse, if he had been a less than stellar father it would be impossible to care for him now, fortunately he was wonderful. I would resent it bitterly if he was a poor parent and my siblings had forced me into the carer role.

I was persuaded by my siblings to sell my house and move into mum's large house with my kids as she's getting elderly.
I forgot how spiteful and nasty she always was, I got caught up in the moment. Now I bitterly regret it.

Sorry op, it sounds like you are in a very difficult situation, and it’s not good that your that your dc are unhappy, or that your mum has Alzheimer’s, all of that is a lot to cope with.

However, some things in your post seem at odds with one another and I suspect there may be more to this scenario than you are saying. Forgive me if I am wrong but moving house with dc takes far longer than “a moment”, you would have had reasonable time to contemplate this move and assess the pros and cons for you and your dc.

And presumably you wouldn’t have left a situation where you were very happy?

And who forgets how spiteful and nasty their own mother is? Surely you would remember something like that?

And who gives their siblings that much power over their lives and that of their dc?

I suspect that you moved in because you thought the arrangement would be beneficial to you and your dc in some way, and you are now finding it too hard or unpleasant.

And that’s fine to change your mind, but at least be honest about it, as you will find life easier if you take responsibility for your own mistakes.

I can well believe that your siblings are not helping as this is a common scenario.

The obvious question that springs to mind is why are you posting for permission to move out? Why do you need permission from strangers on the internet or from your siblings? Why are your siblings dictating what you do in your own life?

Unless there is some cultural issue at play here and you are the only female in a family of males or there is some other factor you haven’t mentioned, such as they help you financially, or your siblings thought that you and your dc needed secure accommodation for some reason, then you are in control of your life and no one else. And you are the responsible parent making key decisions for your dc.

So why are you stuck? Is it guilt? Fear? Obligation?

If you can afford a small house and you think you and the dc can manage there, go and buy it, and inform social services of your parent’s care needs and ask for an assessment, and inform your siblings that that is what you are doing and say you want to talk to them about forming a rota of when each of you will be visiting your mum. Don’t ask, just do it. Good luck,

Wig the house can’t be divided for privacy then I would move out. But be aware, you will still be at her beck and call.

Yes, and that's probably why the siblings are so keen for OP to go on living there

Fortunately what they're keen on doesn't matter - or at least it shouldn't when this affects not only OP but her DC too