Moved in with elderly mum, hate it but stuck

How on earth did they manage to persuade you to do that?

Even if you mum was lovely & easy to live with, if you couldn't offer the care she needed it wouldn't be fair to try.

Alzheimer's is a bastard.

Wow, your siblings are taking the piss.

Move out, do what is best for you and your children.

I think everyone is correct OP - bugger your siblings, it suits them having you there so they don’t have to be on hand!! It’s very much all in their interests, but no one wants to sound heartless in being honest and saying it as it is

Two words. Leave. Now.

Don't ask siblings, just let them know your new address when moving.

You’ve been abandoned and tricked into being solo carer by mum & sibling’s
Move out. Prioritise your mental Health. Buy the house make it a home
Don’t ask mum for money.She’ll manipulate you. Dangle promise of it and then withhold

This. They'll not offer you any compensation for being your mother's carer, OP.

Yup.

I'm an only child, so I provided all the support for my parents and eventually moved Mum in with me. It's hard.

I also became my DH's carer. His children were conspicuous by their absence, though they purported to care. I recall my husband warning me that he didn't think that the kids would come to his funeral (They're an hour's flight away.)

I told him that of course they'd come. I didn't realise until too late that he meant that they wouldn't be there to support me.

Each time their mother acquired a new partner, they were supportive of that - presumably because it saved them from having to step up. (She currently lives with a chap who has two adult daughters who moved in with him.)

OP, that type of person is always very happy to keep their parents out of a care home, provided someone else is providing the care.

You have a couple of choices that I can see: buy the home that you're talking about and tell the siblings to step up; stay with your mum and warn the siblings that they need to step up, including providing respite for you. (Spoiler: they won't.)

When my husband's ex lost her Affair Partner, DH's SIL actually complained to us because the AP left his entire estate to the ex and nothing to the grandchild. That confirmed my suspicion that the main concern was money.

After DH died, he was proved right. The kids didn't attend the funeral, but watched online. (To be fair, it was during one of the lockdowns, but the by then adult grandchild and her mother could definitely have attended.)

After years of biting my tongue, I lost it a month or so after the funeral. The last communication that I had was indirect. The daughter and grandchild phoned the solicitor to say that their cheques had been refused by the bank. (I got it sorted out - the bank thought that I was being scammed.)

I'm merailing here, aren't I? The point I'm trying to make, OP is that your experience has shown you that your siblings are only interested in themselves and in pretending to be supportive of your mother. They won't change.

What happens if you become unwell? What do your siblings intend to have as back-up? Do they expect your children to be carers?

When I fell ill, I phoned DH's daughter to explain that her dad would need care if anything happened to him. The response was "You're not thinking of leaving him are you?"

When I got the all clear I phoned and reiterated that if anything happened, her father would need care. The response: "But you're all right, aren't you?"

Either go ahead and buy that house, OP or give your siblings warning that they need to step up...but I'm betting that they won't.

perfect.

That was a really mean move by your siblings, they just want you there as carer while they carry on with their lives.
Contact her GP. Say more help is needed.
Contact adult SS and say an assessment is needed. You’ve come to help but cannot stay permanently.
Look for a house asap. You can make it cosy, comfortable and calm for your children. If you think it’s not the best area and you're worried about security contact your local police. They’ll advise on extra locks etc and some areas there’s a scheme to get them fitted cheaply or even free.

All of this.

Of course they don’t want you to move out… they’d have to step up! How inconvenient for them!

So… get the two up two down bought and move out.

Do it for your kids if you can’t do it for yourself.

You do not have to be stuck in this situation as you have the means to move…
so do it.

@ThatAzureShark no flies on your siblings then, are there??? they see you as their mothers carer. your life will be shit and what happens when mother dearest has to go into care full time and her house has to be sold to pay for it. you will be out on your earhole. your siblings know this. they want her at home till she dies then they can turf you out to sell the house and each get their share. if house has to be sold to pay for care they will hardly get anything in inheritance!! get out now while you can. not just for your own sanity but for the sake of your kids. xx

I think that you can choose to be unhappy in the service of your mum. But you can't choose to have your children unhappy for that reason. So you have to go, not because you have a duty to you mum, but because you have a duty to your kids.

They will look back one day on their childhood, and when they do, you want them to remember that they were happy, and that their mum made sure that they were.

A lot to unpack here, and I agree with @Beyondthewindowsill555 this situation would not have happened “ in the moment”. How did your siblings put the pressure on you to sell your property and move yourself and kids n with your unwell , difficult mother? Do they have such an unhealthily strong hold over you? Your mother is unpleasant and will likely get even more so as she goes through the middle stages of dementia. Expect paranoia, accusations of theft, it’s really not a congenial environment to bring kids up in ( I had to manage my dads Alzheimer’s and it nearly sunk my mental health). I can only think you will need to be strong OP and get yourself out of this situation. The only fair solution is you move out, there is a rota between you and your 2 siblings to provide support, get paid carersin and eventually your mother will probably have to go into residential care. It sucks but you living there with her could be horrific for you and your kids.

Your siblings want you there as a free carer to protect their inheritance. Just buy your place and move out, what are they going to do? Call the Police??!!

My XMIL died yesterday - she was 102. Your mum could live for YEARS with your care & siblings letting you take the burden. I cared for my parents & caring is bloody hard work. Totally support you not wanting to do this. It is tough lonely work with so-called support services expecting you to be on call at all times.

My mother initially cared for my father (he had dementia and Parkinson's) until a stroke disabled her on one side of her body. I remember an Occupational Therapist bringing a commode into the house. It was me who asked them to demonstrate how my mother, with a disabled side, would be able to a/ put on gloves in order to deal with human waste, and b/ actually manage to deal with emptying the potty with only one hand. I invited her to tie one hand behind her back & perform the process. She got my point & removed the article. Similar when they brought in a wheelchair - I invited them to demonstrate how my mother could wheel that around with one good arm - great if they only want to go in a circle, but no good for actually going anywhere(!)

My XH allowed his brother & sister to take the burden of caring for my XMIL & used to moan about how they should let him have his 'inheritance'. I used to remind him that it was his mother's money until she died and, if she wanted to, she could leave it to the Cat's Home not him. I so hope that there isn't much money left after her care fees, but, as his sister was a social worker, & they arranged for 24/7 care in her home, In suspect that they had arranged things so that my (V lazy work shy) XH will inherit about £150k 😡

Move out

You must move out .....

Why are you listening to your siblings? They clearly don’t have your best interests at heart. Move out and enjoy the independence again!

@Beyondthewindowsill555I did agree with you re questioning but some people are easily persuaded and believe they are doing the right thing. The goalposts have shifted.

That was my first thought too.

@Whyherewego I'm not sure that it would be a good idea to give OP's siblings so much notice that she is intending to move out.

She has already struggled to stand up to her siblings, so I think it might be best not to tell them anything at all until the house purchase is under way.

Your siblings want you to be your mother's unpaid carer and want to protect their inheritance. They want to get on with their lives and not disrupt them by helping out.

Your siblings are arseholes. They can't tell you what to do. Go buy a house and move back out, don't tell them anything until you have the keys. Tell them they have to sort out care for their mother for the next few months as you will be unavailable to help out. Once you've had a break you can all sit down together and work out a rota for who will do what and when. If they don't agree to this, you won't be doing anything to help. If they agree and then don't do as agreed, you go back to doing nothing and let them sort out care.

Your children have to come first, get the ball rolling and start looking for a house.

Oh my, yes, I didn't think of that!