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Moved in with elderly mum, hate it but stuck

213 replies

ThatAzureShark · 15/03/2025 16:04

I was persuaded by my siblings to sell my house and move into mum's large house with my kids as she's getting elderly.
I forgot how spiteful and nasty she always was, I got caught up in the moment. Now I bitterly regret it. Last month she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and getting worse.my kids hate it here.
My siblings live miles away but promised to help me but don't.
She's always moaning, shouting and insulting us- she was always like that. I'm fed up.
I have enough to buy a two up two down house in a less pleasant area but siblings are against it as say it will be too small. I've suffered badly with my mh since a teenager and really need a clear path out of this nightmare.
House is badly in need of work,mum won't pay even though can easily afford it.
Mum upset me again today and I spoke with one sibling on phone but they shut me down and hung up. Please I need steps out of this

OP posts:
TheignT · 16/03/2025 13:42

You're an adult you don't need your siblings permission. If you want to buy a house and move out then do it.

AgnesX · 16/03/2025 13:36

So get your house, and get in touch which social services and the ball rolling for carers etc.

If she and they don't like it too bad. You're not going to be there.

honeylulu · 16/03/2025 13:31

Yikes, your siblings did a number on you! So glad to read you've decided to leave/buy elsewhere and not fall them until it's settled. I can see why though you aren't obliged to take their orders anyway. It's none of their business if they think a two up two down will be too small for you and your kids. The bossy so and sos went be living there so it didn't concern them!

It's really obvious that you moving in with mum meant free care and no work for them. It was not lost on me that you have funds from selling your house and your mum's house needs work but she won't pay. So the expectation was probably that you would pay and boost the value of the house which, let me guess, they'll equally inherit?! And then you wouldn't have enough to buy your own house if you wanted to leave. Yes .... get out now before you get talked into that happening!

SwoopDog · 16/03/2025 13:27

@ThatAzureShark Obviously you are a part of a toxic family system where you are made to seek approval from other family members for your life decisions, even though you are a grown up yourself.
Not healthy.
Move out. Go low contact. And build up your personal boundaries and self-esteem.

sarah419 · 16/03/2025 13:09

you were not persuaded. you are an adult who can make decisions alone. ignore the outside noise and do what’s right for your family. your siblings can get her a carer if they are too far. they can figure it out. your decisions are yours to make.

ALJT · 16/03/2025 13:03

You just need to go do it and then tell them what you are doing. They can’t stop you

TemporaryPosition · 16/03/2025 05:52

It's entirely up to you what you do - I can't understand why your siblings appear to have such a hold over you, you are a free individual and if you have the means to move out and live independently with your children It's such a no brainer I can't even understand why this post exists- go be free!

Cartwrightandson · 16/03/2025 05:47

Leave. Your mh is too previous and you're exposing your children to your mum. Good luck 🤞

APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH · 16/03/2025 02:04

Blimey your siblings saw you coming didn’t they. You do all the hard work so that she doesn’t have to sell their inheritance to go into a care home. Move out OP. Who has POA? Someone really should if she needs house repairs.

MermaidMummy06 · 16/03/2025 01:58

My SIL tried this on. She wanted elderly, frail FIL who has serious health issues to move in with us. She's very manipulative but I wouldn't budge. So I can see how you were manipated by family, OP.

FIL remarried & I was gobsmacked at SIL's openly manipulative attempts to stop him changing his will to include DW or selling the house etc. It was all about holding onto her inheritance.

So glad you're moving out. Don't tell siblings as they will throw every obstacle they can at you. I'd also have a care plan in place to quash their objections.

Devianinc · 16/03/2025 01:20

Devianinc · 16/03/2025 01:19

They don’t get to tell you how to live. I’d have my mother see someone for medication bc it sounds like she getting nasty to you. She’s becoming that nasty dementia person and they now have medication to help their anger.

If you can, you need someone to help you from being abused by your mother.

Devianinc · 16/03/2025 01:19

ThatAzureShark · 15/03/2025 16:04

I was persuaded by my siblings to sell my house and move into mum's large house with my kids as she's getting elderly.
I forgot how spiteful and nasty she always was, I got caught up in the moment. Now I bitterly regret it. Last month she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and getting worse.my kids hate it here.
My siblings live miles away but promised to help me but don't.
She's always moaning, shouting and insulting us- she was always like that. I'm fed up.
I have enough to buy a two up two down house in a less pleasant area but siblings are against it as say it will be too small. I've suffered badly with my mh since a teenager and really need a clear path out of this nightmare.
House is badly in need of work,mum won't pay even though can easily afford it.
Mum upset me again today and I spoke with one sibling on phone but they shut me down and hung up. Please I need steps out of this

They don’t get to tell you how to live. I’d have my mother see someone for medication bc it sounds like she getting nasty to you. She’s becoming that nasty dementia person and they now have medication to help their anger.

Mrsbloggz · 16/03/2025 00:24

They may try to pressurise you into keeping the status quo OP. You may need to be ready to deal with some domineering & manipulative behaviour. They thought they had you trapped doing the work so that they could sit back, they wont like it when you stand up for yourself.
Sending you strength ➡ 💪🏻

Gymnopedie · 16/03/2025 00:05

ThatAzureShark · 15/03/2025 18:24

Thanks so much for all the help and advice. I am very much younger than siblings and have always looked up to them.
Anyway,I've decided that the kids and I will move out.
I won't mention anything until I've exchanged contacts.

Good to hear.

Just because they're older it doesn't mean they're your boss, however much they might like to think they are. You have every right to live the right life for you and your DCs.

Be happy in your new house and don't ever let your siblings make you take the shit so that they don't have to.

SockFluffInTheBath · 15/03/2025 23:16

Well done OP, good luck with house hunting. In the meantime stay strong.

Everleybear · 15/03/2025 19:55

I work in elderly social care and it rarely if ever ends up well when children move in to provide care to a parent with alzheimers/dementia. With your own children as well, it's even more of a shit show. Your children are your absolute priority, move out for their sake and yours and get the 2 up 2 down house.

Is there some back story with your siblings? Why do they get to make decisions about your life and more to the point why are you allowing them to?

prelovedusername · 15/03/2025 19:36

SmudgeButt · 15/03/2025 17:09

Bollocks. If the adult (OP) is under 60 there is no right for her or her children to remain in the house if mom would otherwise be dependent on the local authority to fund her care. The only time it doesn't happen is when the other occupants are vulnerable/disabled.

And for the OP - it sounds like your siblings got their attitude and manners directly from mom. Tell them you are moving out, then move out, and personally I'd be cutting contact with them all.

fyi - My MiL was one of the sweetest people in the world and I came to hate the fact we were living with her. Can't imagine starting the same thing with someone who is right down vile and nasty.

This poster is right. They would need to vacate to enable the house to be sold. There are exceptions but it doesn’t sound like any of those are met.

OP you need to explain to your siblings that your mother’s diagnosis puts you in a very vulnerable position in terms of losing your home and therefore your circumstances have to change.

Loopytiles · 15/03/2025 19:20

Correct your recent bad decisions and move out asap. Prioritise your DC.

Hdjdb42 · 15/03/2025 19:19

ThatAzureShark · 15/03/2025 18:24

Thanks so much for all the help and advice. I am very much younger than siblings and have always looked up to them.
Anyway,I've decided that the kids and I will move out.
I won't mention anything until I've exchanged contacts.

Good for you 👏 👏 👏 I wish you and your children all the very best ❤️

Normallynumb · 15/03/2025 19:17

I’m pleased to read your Update! It’s the right thing to do, and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty.

WearyAuldWumman · 15/03/2025 18:55

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 15/03/2025 18:43

I know this is off-topic but @WearyAuldWumman I am sorry that your DH's family acted the way they did. They sound quite miserable and self-centered. I hope you are as happy as you can be (losing a DH is hard) and living the best life possible.

Thank you, that's appreciated.

Biglifedecisions · 15/03/2025 18:43

Things are going to go from bad to terrible with Alzheimers. It really does get very hard sadly. Put your dc first and leave now.
You can tell your siblings it’s their turn to move in now, you have done your bit, and leave them to it.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 15/03/2025 18:43

WearyAuldWumman · 15/03/2025 18:20

Yup.

I'm an only child, so I provided all the support for my parents and eventually moved Mum in with me. It's hard.

I also became my DH's carer. His children were conspicuous by their absence, though they purported to care. I recall my husband warning me that he didn't think that the kids would come to his funeral (They're an hour's flight away.)

I told him that of course they'd come. I didn't realise until too late that he meant that they wouldn't be there to support me.

Each time their mother acquired a new partner, they were supportive of that - presumably because it saved them from having to step up. (She currently lives with a chap who has two adult daughters who moved in with him.)

OP, that type of person is always very happy to keep their parents out of a care home, provided someone else is providing the care.

You have a couple of choices that I can see: buy the home that you're talking about and tell the siblings to step up; stay with your mum and warn the siblings that they need to step up, including providing respite for you. (Spoiler: they won't.)

When my husband's ex lost her Affair Partner, DH's SIL actually complained to us because the AP left his entire estate to the ex and nothing to the grandchild. That confirmed my suspicion that the main concern was money.

After DH died, he was proved right. The kids didn't attend the funeral, but watched online. (To be fair, it was during one of the lockdowns, but the by then adult grandchild and her mother could definitely have attended.)

After years of biting my tongue, I lost it a month or so after the funeral. The last communication that I had was indirect. The daughter and grandchild phoned the solicitor to say that their cheques had been refused by the bank. (I got it sorted out - the bank thought that I was being scammed.)

I'm merailing here, aren't I? The point I'm trying to make, OP is that your experience has shown you that your siblings are only interested in themselves and in pretending to be supportive of your mother. They won't change.

What happens if you become unwell? What do your siblings intend to have as back-up? Do they expect your children to be carers?

When I fell ill, I phoned DH's daughter to explain that her dad would need care if anything happened to him. The response was "You're not thinking of leaving him are you?"

When I got the all clear I phoned and reiterated that if anything happened, her father would need care. The response: "But you're all right, aren't you?"

Either go ahead and buy that house, OP or give your siblings warning that they need to step up...but I'm betting that they won't.

I know this is off-topic but @WearyAuldWumman I am sorry that your DH's family acted the way they did. They sound quite miserable and self-centered. I hope you are as happy as you can be (losing a DH is hard) and living the best life possible.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 15/03/2025 18:33

Motorolarazr · 15/03/2025 16:10

Move.

Your siblings want you to be the nurse so they don't need to shell out for a carer or lose their inheritance if she needs to sell the house.

ITA!
And then, when Mom dies, the siblings who basically dumped the Mom onto the OP, will have their hands out wanting an equal share or more since OP got to live in the house "rent-free".

@ThatAzureShark Edited because I missed where you said you were moving out. I read that you were the youngest? So, the old sibs are used to you bending to their will. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your children!

Enjoy your house and enjoy less stress, more peace and much more happiness!

Zita60 · 15/03/2025 18:31

ThatAzureShark · 15/03/2025 18:24

Thanks so much for all the help and advice. I am very much younger than siblings and have always looked up to them.
Anyway,I've decided that the kids and I will move out.
I won't mention anything until I've exchanged contacts.

That's good to hear. 🙂

Even if you stayed, it sounds as if your mental health would eventually collapse under the strain and then you wouldn't be able to take care of your mother anyway,

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