Moved in with elderly mum, hate it but stuck

That's a good decision, OP. Have fun telling the siblings on moving day! 😉

Glad to hear you are now actively planning to move back out again. It is the absolute right decision and I hope the purchase of your new place goes through smoothly (and quickly) for you.

Your siblings have some brass neck, I have to say. Clearly they just thought about themselves and never had any intention of supporting you in any way whatsoever.

Move out and don't let anyone guilt trip you. Get adult social services involved here. You soon won't be living there any longer. Tell them that. You have children to prioritise so can't care for your mother. Tell them that too. Your siblings won't care for her (and probably couldn't either) and she can no longer care for herself. Tell them that too. Definitely a case for adult social services IMHO.

Absolutely move and do it soon. Your siblings want you to be trapped into being your mum’s carer and likely won’t show their faces again until she dies and the will is being read. Then they’ll be there in a heartbeat. Believe me, I know the pressure of being the child living closest to elderly parents. They don’t get to push everything on you just because they chose to move further away. You have right to live your life happily just like they do.

@WearyAuldWumman thank you for your kind post.
I get very triggered by the stories of others being abused by family. None of my siblings had school age children or mortgages! I would hate to think my children's childhood was ruined but it was difficult and certainly not without constant worry. We would get notice to leave our rental every year when Easter house marketing came round. Two months notice so the landlord could sell. The reason behind it was always the same. Disabled equipment 'damaging' their investment. It might have been a scratch on a wall or a pile of clean toileting aids. They never cared but of course the Estate Agent didn't tell them they had a disabled tenant so they didn't get accused of discrimination and then it was always war to get us out. The social services didn't help because again I worked from home, plenty of others with no one.
Luckily I am part of a company being sold and I will be very secure at the end of the year. Those who didn't help at the time will get nowt. Your DC come first OP.

Get them to sign a document whatever the house is worth when its sold i get 70% sod you lot
(dreamland) I know

You will also be in a better position as you won’t be in any chain when you buy as you’ve already sold your house. So you may be a better prospect for any seller and possibly move in quicker. You are Def right to not tell your siblings what you are doing until it’s all done, that includes obviously your mother. You are doing the right thing you don’t want your kids telling you in years to come how it affected their childhood. Once you’ve moved out text your siblings to tell them that as discussed it’s not working for you or your children and you’ve bought a new house and moved out.

I can’t believe they’ve put all this on you. Decent people don’t behave like that, selfish people do and I agree with others if you had stayed for many years and mum died they would want you out of that house asap. Also don’t get sucked into any new agreement re mum, stone wall all that and leave it up to them, you are too busy with your new house, you are sure they understand! Then phone down as they did with you. That will be their next tactic. They can arrange it all remotely you are too busy with your new house and getting it sorted to help.

When you're under 60, you have no protection so far as I'm aware.

I recall that when my husband had his stroke, the local home care bods seemed quite taken aback when I pointed out that the house was in my name. (DH was older than me; I was under 60.)

The fact that they couldn't take the house to pay for care fees meant that they didn't push a care home option.

Surely this isn't true if the carer is under 60? There might be leeway if one of OPs children is registered disabled or she herself is, but otherwise it's not the case afaik, or more families would surely go down this road to dodge fees.

Thank you for sharing this. I hope that you're in a much better situation now.

Your children come first and will suffer in this situation. You need to move. It has nothing to do with your siblings.

Agreed. No point in discussing it with the siblings - they're just ignoring OP.

Same happened to me with my husband's kids. I wasn't looking for them to step up - just wanted to put an emergency protocol in place in case anything happened to me, but they seemed to have the notion that I was trying to 'escape'!

In OP's case, all the siblings should have equal responsibilities or none at all. Worst case scenario, OP can look up the emergency number for social services and give them a call when she moves out. It's not brutal when you realise that her siblings are grey rocking her. (Been there...got the t-shirt.)

I looked after my parents for 18 years. My siblings lived within thirty minutes. They visited once a fortnight.
My mother died within five years my father's health ment I had to give up my big job in London and after two years our savings had gone. It effected my children quite badly. He refused a home and we suffered. We had sold our much loved house but we had to rent adapted property which is double a normal rental. Financial support is tiny and I had to pay for everything.
When he died I was accused of financial abuse by my sister. She paid nothing towards his care. I wfh in those days so I was a sitting duck for others to take advantage.
A small but happy house will be much better for your children. My DD actually said this the other day. She remembers all the tears and my dad was lovely, it was just too much for me. I developed an alcohol dependancy and it took years to get my career back. Your mum has money, she can spend it on care. Your siblings can step up or pay.

Your siblings want you there so they don't have to bother nor will they have the need to have your mum's house sold to fund her a care home. You have your own kids to think of. If your siblings don't want paid care for your mum they can get off their arses and help to care for her rather than leaving it all to you. Move out and make a happy home for you and your kids. It's not up to you to care for your mum 100% of the time while they sit back and watch you struggle to do so.

You don't need anyone's permission to move out - get a house, take care of yourself and your kids. Your siblings can arrange care for your mum - sell her house and fund it that way. Don't stay and be an unpaid career, you'll burn out and your kids will be unhappy and resentful too.

Step one: stop discussing anything with your damn siblings. I mean, how has taking their advice worked out for you so far? Do what you're going to do first and tell them second.

Have you considered moving out of the area? Can you get a job in a cheaper part of the country, perhaps where you could afford a 3-bed? Leave the siblings living closer than you do - then DM is their problem.

Get on Carents Lounge on facebook - they were a great help to me.
It's not down to your siblings where you live, so sort out a place for you and your children. Oh, fantastic, I've just spotted that you've decided to do that. Well done.

You don't need your siblings permission to buy a house. Say nothing to them about your plans to buy, don't involve them in anything and do buy secretly.

Tell your siblings, your decision (which isn't up for discussion, your life your choice) has been made as they should be involved in the decision for whatever (paid for from your mums assets if they don't equally share the needed commitment) care package your mum needs when you leave.

Keep in your mind these will be the same siblings that will be after your mums house when she eventually passes and will probably happy make you homeless to get it. Start investing in your own house now.

Good decision for you and your DC! You are an adult, what your siblings think doesn’t matter. They don’t have your best interests at heart.

I absolutely agree! Your siblings are like pigs in sh*t! They have no worries and you are lumbered! Life’s too short. You say how spiteful etc this woman is. Apart from how this affects you, your poor children shouldn’t have their lives ruined by this.
Please buy your house and move and take the children with you. You can then start to enjoy the life you deserve after putting up with all this.
Be brave! Go! And good luck

Your siblings don't get to call the shots on where you choose to live or if you buy a house. Put your own mental health first and start making plans to go. Your mum will only get more nasty possibly as the Alzheimers progresses. You and your kids come first.

well obvs your siblings are going to say any alternatives to you living with your mother aren't suitable - they have a vested interest in you doing all the hard work while they don't lift a finger, keeping her out of a care home and protecting the value or their likely inheritance.

Stop asking your siblings and just move, you need to look out for yourself because that is exactly what your siblings are doing, they don't want to do the caring, so they are manipulating you into doing it.

Can we stop saying siblings as if we did not know what sex they are? Brothers, sisters, brother(s) and sister(s).
As to problem, move out, OP, you have been set up as carer for your mum. Move - it is nothing to do with your brothers, sisters etc.

Well you need to ignore your siblings and buy yourself a house otherwise you'll end up with nothing in the future.

They can stay with your mum if they're so concerned.