Moved in with elderly mum, hate it but stuck

Is it possible you got your mother to go to a day centre a couple of times a week? It would give you both some respite. You could ask her GP, if not social services. There are some lovely places to go, where your mother can interact with others, have lunch etc. Transport would be provided. The cost of this varies, but it would be helpful for both of you.

Realistically, what was stopping one of them moving in as carer?

I'm glad you're going to move out Op.

Well done OP. The only way out of this is for you to buy that house and move (no one else can do this for you). Your siblings will not change. They have set you up to be mums career so they don’t have to. Best of luck, and keep your own counsel until you are moved

I'm glad you've decided to get your own place again. A small home where you are the boss and where your children can be happy and safe is far preferable to your current situation. Your siblings are clearly not prioritising the best interests of you or your children and you don't owe them anything. If your siblings had any real sense of duty to your mum, or concern for you, they would step up and help, not pile all the guilt onto you and hope it works out with you taking on all the responsibility. Best of luck with finding your new home.

No. The disregard of the property is only in place when the person living in it is over 60.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/siteassets/documents/factsheets/fs38_property_and_paying_for_residential_care_fcs.pdf

Definitely this - you and your DC are your priority.
Your siblings will have pull their weight, not dump it all on you.

Contact the council and social service to get your mum into a home - with you living in the property as your main residence they can't sell the home to pay for her care. It might take a while to get things moving

In the mean time make sure the council tax know so you get a 25% discount on the tax as your mum is classed as SMI and doesn't have to pay

Why do your siblings have authority over you, I don't understand?

I am so glad you are moving out. I hope you are able to do so asap as things will only get worse due to your mother's diagnosis and you need to prioritise your DC.

Your siblings don't care about your interests - most likely they are using you so they can keep their inheritance. They evidently have never done any caring themselves, because if they did they would never advocate you doing it.

I have been a carer for my adult DC; suffice it to say I will never ever do it for anyone else. Not even my own parents. And I would never expect any of my siblings to do it either; it would be too big an ask.

Great decision OP.

Very good idea about saying nothing until you have exchanged contracts. I hope everything works out for you and you are 100% making the right decision.

Good plan.

BIL really pressurised DH to move home and take care of MIL (how we would live without his wage wasn’t of interest to him).
He wanted DH to be her carer so she didn’t go into a home and it didn’t effect his inheritance.
Sounds like your siblings.

Hope the house purchase happens quickly. And don’t tell them until you’ve moved out, not just contracts. Move out and tell them! Can’t do anything then.

Yes!!! 💪

You don’t have to put up with this. Life is too short. She is being and has been abusive. You don’t owe her your happiness.

You need to look after yourself so you can be a good mum. You need to look after yourself kids. You need to maintain financial security and housing for them. You need some leisure/fun/you time each week.

After all of that, if you have some energy help her out.

Good decision op. This is nothing to do with your siblings or your mum.
Do the right thing for yourself and your children.

For your own sanity and the safety of your children you should leave. You're siblings are clearly relying on you to care for your mother and eventually she may need to go into residential care - this could result in the sale of her house which would leave you in the position of having to find alternative accommodation anyway.
I had a parent with dementia and the workload can be positively exhausting although I did have the support and help of my siblings - I wasn't facing it alone like you are.

Havé a look at thé elderly parents board , especially the cockroach cafe thread. A wealth of experience, advice and support there.

Find a nice little house for your family and move out. Easier said than done but the current situation will only deteriorate. You absolutely must prioritise your own wellbeing and that of your children.

Your siblings have treated you appallingly, with an eye to the inheritance. I feel very angry on your behalf.

Get advice on what needs to be put in place for your mother's care. Services are so stretched they will manipulate any willing family member . That does not mean you should step in.

Useful phrases for thèse agencés: no, that does not work for me. When you havé moved away. No I can't do that. I don't live locally. If in hospital and want to discharge to your care: no. I cannot care for my mother. This would be an unsafe discharge.

Make sure there is a will in place and power of attorney over finances and health.

In thé longer term the house will need to be sold to pay for care in a home, so prépare for that. There is no reason you should shoulder all thé burden however.

I feel for you so much

If you can afford a house, go for it. Being with your mother is not doing your mental health any good. It's all very well for your siblings to say you should stay with mum but would they? It's not your mother's fault she has Alzheimer's but she will need care, 24/7 at some point.

Decisions must be made but not just by you. You must put your children first and you say they hate it at the house so - no choice really, move out.

Unless I'm mistaken, the OP's mother is not yet deemed to have lost capacity and the OP does not have POA for her.

OP will have to do what is right for her, but leave care arrangements up to her mother and siblings. She's done her bit. It's no longer her problem.

If she has Alzheimers can you get power of attorney and sell the house from under her, then put her in a old people's home paid for with the proceeds?

Save your children from this situation, it's really unfair on them and also unfair on you. Buy the smaller house.

Move out OP. Put your Mum in a home and let her house and pensions/savings pay for her to be in the home.
Your siblings want you there to do all the work and look after her , so they can live a carefree life and still inherit their share .
You could be stuck there for years . Don't waste your life away .

Obviously your siblings have persuaded you because it suits them. And I'm amazed that you couldn't see what they were after. Move out quickly and let your siblings sort it out between them

And don't tell your siblings where you're moving to.

Of course your older siblings want you to stay - it gets them right off the hook. But you say, “my kids hate it here.” - so enough said. I’m glad you’re going to do what’s right for YOUR family - time for your siblings to take a turn with your DM.

Tell them nothing until the house is ready to move into and actually on the day. They've conned you. Tell them to all get fucked and to step up.