Moved in with elderly mum, hate it but stuck

Good morning OP.
I hope you had a reasonable night.

If you have enough money to buy a two bed outright you can get a local job for bills if the commute to work is too far. It's the housing costs that are the bulk these days.
I did post up thread about my 18 year journey looking after my parents and how it broke me. Neither had dementia but as people become older they can be manipulative and pressurise whoever is around into their sole care. I worked 5am-11 at night and never got a break. Carers were sent away at first because our daughter will do it. I have a form of PTSD because of it.
I watched a son fail to get the best care for his mother last week in hospital. My thoughts are she was inconvenient. She lived on her own in a large 5 bed and was clearly suffering from dementia. He seemed so uninterested and she was very much alone. (I was in the bed opposite).
My children did suffer from the sheer exhaustion of putting my dad first. I couldn't even go out for three years, ditto holidays with my DC.
Get the house and move out ASAP. Tell social services it's effecting your families mental health. I nearly drove into a tree. Don't be me. Your children come first.

Your primary responsibility is to yourself and your children. Particularly ensuring your children do not have to live with an abuser.
Buy the 2 up 2 down and fu*k your siblings whom you know intuitively are using you.

You’re doing the right thing. You need to prioritise yourself and your children.

That’s exactly what your siblings are doing. If they try to convince you otherwise, tell them you’re following their example as you look up to them so much.

Move before your mother’s Alzheimer’s gets worse.
why is this anything to do with your siblings? They can move in if they want.

Your children and their happiness is your priory. Your siblings can't dictate to you how you and your children live your lives. If they don't want to take responsibility your mother can be cared for in a home. Do not let them take advantage of you.

If your mum has only just been diagnosed with AD, she may be able to stay put alone for a year or so with local authority support/care package. (Though it sounds as if you'll still be the family carer/point of contact. That can be almost as stressful as living with the parent.) But a house sale, even with an agreeable parent, is always a daunting task.

Is she a hoarder? Will the house be a nightmare to clear, with her resisting you at every turn?

Your siblings sound like such shirkers that they'll probably try to dump all that on you too, so be careful.

I hope you find something that works for you soon and it’s a good idea to keep your plans under wraps. You must feel like you’ve been manipulated - I’m sorry your family aren’t kinder to you all round.

Good-glad to read you have decided to move out again.
Unfortunately it looks as though your older siblings wanted you to be your mother's carer-so they don't have to be, and also so that there will be no impact on her savings/personal wealth (which there likely will be if she needs to go into a care Home for her care).
You need to concentrate on your MH and your children too. Tell yourself every day that you have done the right thing when you have moved out.
You will most likely come under extreme pressure from your siblings when you announce that you are leaving your mum's home. Be strong, it is for the best.
I wish you are and children lots of happiness in your new home.

Who has power of attorney? And how bad is mums dementia? What savings does she have? I would speak to adult care services about what’s best for her now you are not in the position to care for her. Maybe it would be in everyone’s best interests to sell her home, and move her into care. She would be safe and at least then your siblings can’t money grab once mum has passed, because that seems to be all they care about!

You very much have to do what is right for you and your children. Your siblings have already shown you that they are full of false promises and are just hoping you do it all. That’s not fair.
Does anyone have Power of Attorney here? At some point your mother is going to need professional care and someone will have to pay which if someone has access to her financials will be much easier to arrange. I do feel they will try and force you to take on this as you will be the nearest so prepare yourself for this too. Stay strong.
I think popping by will be much easier on you than living with all this so I hope you find somewhere soon.

Beyondtgewindowsill555

Yes that’s what I was wondering. You don’t forget how you were treated by your parents.

It seems to me as well that there’s a cultural issue.

The OP may fear being ostracised by the siblings when she moves out. This is something she has to plan for.

OP hasn’t given information about work and that would’ve have had to be considered when she moved in with her mother and that suggests financial support from the siblings and this may be withdrawn.

I agree that she must move out but a lot of planning needed.

This

Please leave for your sanity xx

Stop listening to these idiots.

Your Mum will need care if she has AD so crack on with your own life. Arse to what they think, the scheming gits.

Do not at any stage let your siblings talk you into changing your mind. Once they learn that their cushy, lucrative arrangement is ending they will pile the pressure and guilt onto you - be prepared for that.

If you end up remaining as your mother's carer, speaking as an ex-carer myself I can guarantee it would break you.

Your Kids are not happy there that’s a deal breaker. Nothing on earth your own Mother included comes at the expense of their well-being and happiness. If you’ve got the means to buy somewhere else then do that. Regardless of how far away your Siblings live your Mother’s care shouldn’t rest all on your shoulders. To be honest they (your Siblings) sound like gang of “we’re alright Jacks”

Move out into your own home. Your siblings are thinking about what is best for them. If your mum is still able to live independently that is fine. If she needs care either the council will pay if she has no savings or if she has to go into residential care the house will need to be sold which is something you all need to take responsibility for. Sounds like they have fobbed off all the care to you so you need to take your life back.

As someone who's mother has Alzheimer's - MOVE!! Do it now and don't feel guilty, I adore my Mum and do lots to help but I could not live there. It's not fair on you or your kids. Bugger your siblings, they can whistle. You will be ble to support your Mum better if you don't break yourself.

How conniving & selfish your siblings are ..
Buy your own house ASAP …
Very bad for your children being around your mother ..
She needs to be in a care home with Alzheimer’s as you’ve mentioned she is getting worse by the day ..
Live your life with your children & given what your siblings just did to you , id have zero to do with them ever again , they’re not kind & didn’t care about you or your children, only coaxed you into selling your home to suit them so they wouldn’t have to look after their mother ..
Wait & see how fast they will appear though when your mom passes and her house is left ….
Best of luck x

@ThatAzureShark well done OP 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Your siblings know your vulnerable and have exploited this. Move and don't even engage. We all make mistakes in life, that's a given.

Please don't stay, you may be there for the next decade.

Leave.

I’m sorry OP but I’m afraid your sibling have been arseholes. Don’t tell anyone, go and buy another property, get it decorated/set up and then move out swiftly with zero notice. You need to put yourself and your kids first as it doesn’t sound like anyone else is doing that. Your mental health will deteriorate and your kids will have the most awful time. Your mum
isn’t your responsibility, caring for someone is a choice and it’s a bad one for you if she is so nasty and it will just get worse. I know you must feel guilty and will be made to feel this way, see a therapist if need be but leave now before it gets worse for all of you.

Good luck Op! Stay strong & don't let your siblings bully you. Good idea to keep quiet until its a done deal. You beed to put your kids & you first.

This. Why are you letting your siblings bully you. You owe it to your children to move out.

Whose decision is it where you live? Yours or your siblings'?

Unless it's your siblings' decision, for some obscure legal or financial reason I can't guess at off the top of my head, STOP letting them make it for you.

If you have concerns about your mother's ability to live alone, contact Adult Social Services. How long since you moved in with her, by the way?