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Original poster

DH refusing to help out

261 replies

KeenPeachExpert · 15/03/2025 14:03

We live in quite an isolated area with very limited public transport. I don’t drive and am very dependent on DH on the weekends to get anywhere.

A few weeks ago, DH had a moan at me about having to spend his weekend driving us around. I admit, I became upset and we had a full blown argument.

The following weekend, I had to pick up something from town. DH asked me we were going to town to pick it up. I was still upset by his attitude and I told him I didn’t want to go.

He asked again the following weekend and I told him I didn’t want to go.

The following weekend the shop told me to pick it up or they’d return the item. I asked DH if he could take me and he refused. He said he asked me three times over the previous two weekends and I had said no, so he was t prepared to take me.

i ended up having to take a lift from a friend but I cannot keep doing this.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to take me? If it matters, we both work and I do the bulk of the housework.

OP posts:
Dogsbreath7 · 17/03/2025 19:05

envbeckyc · 17/03/2025 18:32

Get yourself a Lambretta (no driving licence required) and take a weekend course on learning to ride it safely.

This is a cost effective and efficient way of regaining your independence.

Show quote history

I have a full motorcycle licence and 850cc bike off road/ sorned in the garage. It may be age or having children but I have never ridden on country roads only London. Multiple accidents there but all low speed.

I have no desire to ride a motorbike locally at 40-60 mph. Pot hole roads, mud from tractors everywhere, overflowing field drains onto roads, cyclists all in black so you can’t see them. Never mind livestock on the road (ponies, sheep). There is a bend near my house and in 12 years I have seen 3 bikers airlifted by helicopter from adjacent field. And that’s what I have witnessed when at home.

You may not need a full licence to drive a moped but it is not an easy option. I started riding a motorbike 5 years after passed my car test. It is NOT a safe option - you need your wits around you and know how to drive defensively to avoid all the people who ‘don’t see you’.

Dogsbreath7 · 17/03/2025 18:56

Learn to drive or move to somewhere with public transport. Simples.

JHound · 17/03/2025 18:36

And on this specific topic yes you are being unreasonable.

JHound · 17/03/2025 18:35

Learn to drive.

envbeckyc · 17/03/2025 18:32

KeenPeachExpert · 15/03/2025 14:03

We live in quite an isolated area with very limited public transport. I don’t drive and am very dependent on DH on the weekends to get anywhere.

A few weeks ago, DH had a moan at me about having to spend his weekend driving us around. I admit, I became upset and we had a full blown argument.

The following weekend, I had to pick up something from town. DH asked me we were going to town to pick it up. I was still upset by his attitude and I told him I didn’t want to go.

He asked again the following weekend and I told him I didn’t want to go.

The following weekend the shop told me to pick it up or they’d return the item. I asked DH if he could take me and he refused. He said he asked me three times over the previous two weekends and I had said no, so he was t prepared to take me.

i ended up having to take a lift from a friend but I cannot keep doing this.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to take me? If it matters, we both work and I do the bulk of the housework.

Get yourself a Lambretta (no driving licence required) and take a weekend course on learning to ride it safely.

This is a cost effective and efficient way of regaining your independence.

Laura95167 · 17/03/2025 17:52

KeenPeachExpert · 15/03/2025 14:03

We live in quite an isolated area with very limited public transport. I don’t drive and am very dependent on DH on the weekends to get anywhere.

A few weeks ago, DH had a moan at me about having to spend his weekend driving us around. I admit, I became upset and we had a full blown argument.

The following weekend, I had to pick up something from town. DH asked me we were going to town to pick it up. I was still upset by his attitude and I told him I didn’t want to go.

He asked again the following weekend and I told him I didn’t want to go.

The following weekend the shop told me to pick it up or they’d return the item. I asked DH if he could take me and he refused. He said he asked me three times over the previous two weekends and I had said no, so he was t prepared to take me.

i ended up having to take a lift from a friend but I cannot keep doing this.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to take me? If it matters, we both work and I do the bulk of the housework.

I think if you live somewhere remote you need to learn to drive.

I don't think it was nice he had a go at you for driving you about when you've both had this as status quo. But there isn't context as to why he was frustrated that day.

Since then he has offered multiple times to take you on this errand and you've huffed until you needed him and got fed up he wasn't willing to jump once you needed favour and asked for it.

Maybe it's time you got a provisional and on the weekends you could drive you both for practise

AgentJohnson · 17/03/2025 17:24

He offered twice and you refused because you were sulking.

This

Yeah, you played an absolute blinder there.

I am visually impaired so I am reliant on public transport thus I have and never would, live rurally.

BruhWhy · 17/03/2025 17:21

Whycanineverthinkofone · 17/03/2025 17:13

I know, currently paying for teen’s lessons.

we are getting them as and when we can afford, with her practicing with us in the meantime. Rather than saving up to buy all in one go and it taking a year longer.

Show quote history

That's great for a teen with less commitments but we can't really do as and when. DH will need to arrange work around lessons in advance and we'll need to save for another car in the meantime.

Devianinc · 17/03/2025 17:18

JustSawJohnny · 16/03/2025 15:10

You can't have a little tantrum, refuse his help for 2 weeks then make demands when your actions have consequences, OP.

This

Whycanineverthinkofone · 17/03/2025 17:13

BruhWhy · 17/03/2025 13:55

Because lessons now cost an absolute fortune. Seriously, outrageous. We have to save.

Show quote history

I know, currently paying for teen’s lessons.

we are getting them as and when we can afford, with her practicing with us in the meantime. Rather than saving up to buy all in one go and it taking a year longer.

mathanxiety · 17/03/2025 14:01

Play silly games, win silly prizes....

BruhWhy · 17/03/2025 13:55

Whycanineverthinkofone · 16/03/2025 12:21

Just curious, why next year? Why not now? Seems a bit daft if you’re both desperate for him to drive to be putting it off for 12 months!

Show quote history

Because lessons now cost an absolute fortune. Seriously, outrageous. We have to save.

user2848502016 · 17/03/2025 11:38

I think you need to have a serious conversation about where you live and whether it’s practical. You don’t say whether you don’t drive because you never learnt (in which case can you learn now?), or whether you can drive but can’t anymore for medical reasons.
We live fairly rurally too and both DH and I drive but if for some reason I had to give up driving I would hate to be dependent on DH for lifts and would want to move house.

Crikeyalmighty · 16/03/2025 21:44

@RampantIvy yep- I don’t drive for various reasons but I rarely ask for lifts as we live on the incredibly good university bus route or very occasionally I get a £6 uber into town which is easily balanced up cost wise by the fact we only have the1 car - I accept we pay more to live where we do -( lovely area too) but even if I did drive I’m not sure I would pick to live somewhere rather remote or with few facilities

howshouldibehave · 16/03/2025 21:13

He said he asked me three times over the previous two weekends and I had said no, so he was t prepared to take me.

Crikey, you sound like hard work. I would hate constantly having to drive my partner round. If you can't drive, then you need to find workarounds that don't constantly inconvenience him.

Get the bus/train/cycle/walk/taxi/get stuff delivered.

PashaMinaMio · 16/03/2025 21:07

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 15/03/2025 14:14

He offered to take you and you said no as you were dulling, now you're pissed off he won't take you now you're done sulking.

You are the unreasonable one

As above.
You were truculent and childish.

If you’d gone to town could you not have gone for lunch or a coffee too? That might have brightened your mood? Turned it into a nice experience?
Review your situation. Either learn to drive or move house.

User3456 · 16/03/2025 21:02

Next time, get items delivered
Is it possible for you to learn to drive?

Miaowzabella · 16/03/2025 19:05

You can manage your life without driving, you can choose to live in the middle of nowhere, but it is impractical to do both.

comfyslippers2 · 16/03/2025 18:10

CarpetKnees · 16/03/2025 18:02

My husband and I both drive and regularly drop off or pick eachother up to make life easier or if parking is difficult and we do it voluntarily and with good grace.

But the BIG difference there is, you both drive, and take it in turns to help each other out. So it is a completely different situation.

Thanks @CarpetKnees (great username!) You're right in that we both help each other out & that's nice of you to say. I suppose I was suggesting the OP & DH do the same but in their case it would be in different areas - reciprocal helping out but maybe different tasks for them and what suits their abilities & marriage style. We don't know if the OP "doesn't drive" (never learned) or "can't drive" (medical/disability) and why they live in the middle of nowhere in this situation. Regardless of how they got there though, it's just a bit sad they're in a tit for tat over an issue that's going to bug them both every weekend & create resentment.

CarpetKnees · 16/03/2025 18:02

My husband and I both drive and regularly drop off or pick eachother up to make life easier or if parking is difficult and we do it voluntarily and with good grace.

But the BIG difference there is, you both drive, and take it in turns to help each other out. So it is a completely different situation.

RampantIvy · 16/03/2025 18:01

Shame @KeenPeachExpert hasn't returned to the thread.

I'm not sure that she will TBH.

CarpetKnees · 16/03/2025 17:59

CHEESEY13 · 16/03/2025 12:23

No, your DH is playing the "I'll teach her a lesson!" card. Also, you can never know which way a male partner will jump.

Too many women have collected bruises to prove it.

I hope you didn't pull any muscles with this spectacular reach.

Shame @KeenPeachExpert hasn't returned to the thread.

MrBallensWife · 16/03/2025 17:56

You sound like hard work to be honest...
It would drive me mad having someone depend on me for lifts everywhere,partner or not.
Your husband asked you on 2 seperate weekends if you wanted to go and because you were in a huff you didn't want to.Now all of a sudden you do and he's not impressed you expect him to be at your beck and call.
Learn to drive.
What would you do if your husband couldn't drive for any reason?
Live as a hermit for the rest of your life??

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/03/2025 17:54

He offered to drive you to shop x 2 but you knocked it back. If you’re reliant upon someone,you need to accommodate to their availability. As you don’t have an alternative

longer term consider learning to drive or accept you have limited transportation options
Your spontaneity and plans that require transportation will rely upon a driver. That dies compromise you

RampantIvy · 16/03/2025 17:49

Crikeyalmighty · 16/03/2025 17:48

I don’t drive and hence live somewhere with good ways of getting around - which I pay a higher premium for- it’s ridiculous living somewhere with poor transport options if you don’t drive

If and when I have to stop driving I will move into town.