DH didn’t tell me SiL was violent

I dont think you have the right to be upset and angry, sounds as if your childrne havent been unsupervised with her and theres no suggestion he has ever wanted them to be unsupervised with her?

He will need to come to terms with his own history in his own way and also his perception and truth is not the same as someone elses.

He needs support not your judgement.

Depending on his age when injured he might not remember.

Regarding the scars has he lied to you about them?

I’d be furious but would try not to make it clear quite how angry I was.
As for her though, she would never see my DC again. Ever

It's important that you allow yourself time to decompress before tackling this situation. When you raise this as a dicussion you need clear objectives as opposed merely to venting your frustration, even if that anger is completely justifiable.

Approach this in the mode of exactly what it is you want to happen as a result of your discussion. My priorities would be 1. to protect my children, and 2. support DH through coming to terms with any residual trauma. His sister doesn't feature. She isn't important. Tell him frankly how his omission of the truth has made you feel, as opposed to he has done/not done. I.e. 'this has left me feeling upset, frustrated and powerless, because my full capacity to make informed parental decisions has been taken away'. Set out in clear terms exactly what you are willing and not willing to do. 'I'm willing to support you through counselling/trauma therapy and to listen to what you have to say. I'm not willing to have our children in your sister's company except at formal family events (weddings, funerals etc)'. This is far likely to bring about the result you want than going after him with guns blazing. Keep your eyes on the desired end result.

Listen to him before you talk, but don't let whatever you hear detract you from what you need to do. A final disclaimer: for all I would deal with your kind of situation as above - and have done, in the past - I'm also only human and was fucking furious, as I'm sure you now are.

Park it, while you deal with the necessary. Use Mumsnet to vent that feeling: that's what we are for!

He's probably been vigilant to make sure she has never had the chance to hurt your children. That would be his way of fulfilling his parental responsibility to protect them.

He's also protected himself by dealing with the situation in a way that he can manage. He may well feel awful for not telling while also being unable to manage the emotions involved in doing so.

I would just let him know that you're also now aware of what she did, that you will be able to take on some of the responsibilty for keeping your DC safe, which may mean she doesn't get to spend time with them again, and that you're there for him if and when he would like to talk.

Please don't burden him with your emotions about his abuse. That would BVU.

OP I think you should wait and calmly have a conversation with DH when you can be alone. For a start, you may have got incorrect information from the family member as these things can be exaggerated in the retelling. I would want to hear from your DH before being angry and upset with him.

It's possible that the incidents in his childhood have been minimised by others, his parents for example. Depending on his age at the time and the trauma he probably suffered, his memories could be patchy or incomplete. Domestic violence in the family is a complex issue and it often looks clearer from the outside without the complicated feelings and dysfunctional family dynamics involved. Please be kind to him, just having the conversation with you will probably be traumatic for him.

I agree that your DH needs your empathy and support here.

If you have never left your DC alone with her nor have you witnessed her being unkind in any way to them then don’t overreact to the idea she’s been ‘near’ your dc. They are not hurt, it does sound very much like your DH is though.

My brother was the same to his younger siblings. It stopped when he moved out for the army in late teens and he never did it again. Although I'm not in touch with him for other, varying reasons, I never felt he was a threat to my children, or he wouldn't have been allowed anywhere near them.

DH's much older brother sounds similar to your SIL, although he is careful not to show this side to outsiders now he has a very posh well-paid job. We see him only when absolutely unavoidable (once every few years if the inlaws have a medical crisis) and we agreed before we got married that he is never allowed around our children. It was a red line for me.

My ex was SA by his dsis.. Only me knows.. Not his dw or dc.. He has sadly tried to rewrite history as a self preservation method... Try not to be mad at dh...

I wouldn’t either. Probably OTT but she wouldn’t ever go anywhere near my children again.

@idontunderstandyou so really, he has endangered your kids? has he ever left her alone with them?? I would be mortified if I was him having a nut job sister!

I think you should wait and hear what he has to say about things before jumping to the conclusion he hasn't been honest with you.

The family friend may not know the truth of what happened in the past.

If your SiL has the potential to be violent then yes he should have told you. But it's hard to believe he would have put his own children and you in any sort of danger. So you need to hear what he has to say.

Completely understand why you are upset but please tell and put yourself in his shoes. He was severely abused and is probably traumatised, feels humiliated and is trying to bury it deep inside him as is probably still scared. The poor man. Please show him only empathy and kindness as that's what he needs.