DH didn’t tell me SiL was violent

I’m on the other side of this. I hurt others as a teen and also have a criminal record for a violent offence in my early 20s. Nobody knows at all and I’ve gone NC with my family for over 20 years so they could not sabotage my life and tell my dh or his family. In my case it was self defence that was then used against me. Until you have the full facts of a situation I’d hold back on making a judgement but also it’s wise to not let your dc near her until you do know full facts to keep them safe.

YANBU. Its very common for abuse survivors to either underestimate or overestimate risk. He may have been persuaded to sweet it under the carpet to maintain the family image.
I think it would be worth you going for couples counselling with someone who understands abuse and family dynamics. He could still be enmeshed with his family, in which case he won't be able to see a problem no matter how you speak to him about your concerns.

I wouldnt answer any differently, perhaps I would be harsher to the OP (the husband), I dont consider the children have been put in danger.

This thread is fascinating.

Because of it had been a mum not telling her dh that their brother had been violent to them as a child so much so that they (or other siblings) needed medical attention, I’m sure the answers would have quite different.
No understanding poor mother who is traumatised but why the heck did you put your dcs in danger.

@idontunderstandyou I think you first need to approach that with curiosity and check whether what the family friend told you is true or not. In particular the more recent dealings with the police.
Then you need a chat with your dh about what the next steps are.

The harsh reality is that you can’t solve his trauma and his reaction to it.
I also think that brushing things under the carpet and being understanding goes only so far. Nice for him but maybe not a great idea for the dcs. I suspect you’ll have to lay your own boundaries there.

It's not just that he hasn't mentioned it - he has specifically misled the OP when the matter has come up and he has do so to defend her when she has behaved in ways that concerned the OP.

If his plan is to protect his children from her, why deny the OP the knowledge that would help her to do the same?

There have been some great responses already, OP. I’m just going to add that he may genuinely not believe she is a threat to the children because he may believe he was part of the problem as a child. Of course objectively we can see that an older perpetrator is the one at fault, but as a victim of abuse when he was young he may have internalised feelings that it was his fault. So he may think she won’t hurt them because he believes he was responsible as a kid.

YABU. Sounds like he assessed risks and decided it was safe to be in the same room but not left alone. And sounds like he was right.

I’m another who thinks dh probably hasn’t mentioned it because he is there to protect the dc. If she ever raised a hand to them, I’ll bet he’d have knocked her flying. Don’t be too harsh when you speak to him, OP, he’s a victim and he wouldn’t allow her to touch your dc.

Abusers often hold power over their victims. He may still be scared of her. 100% we wouldn't be blaming the victim if the genders were reversed.

Wait till you hear what he has to say, but he has clearly lied to you if what you have been told is true.

I would be very upset too at being misled by him.
I would be giving serious thought to whether I would be in her company again with my children.

I take violence very seriously and wouldn't want to be ariund it.
The fact that he may have lied to you about this tells me that he knows well this is very wrong.

Violence of that nature is not normal family life.
Thats really fxxked up IMO.

Poor guy. I wouldn't rip his head off for having let the kids sit on her lap. It's not like she's just going to attack them out of nowhere unless she's an extremely unstable adult, which you'd probs have clocked by now. Don't make it all about you. You're not the victim here.

It's the OP's present when she and her children are spending time with someone who she has witnessed being quick to anger and has only tolerated it because she's been lied to about the person's propensity for violence.

Whatever happened in the past, if her husband has lied about recent violent behaviour from his sister to persuade the OP to act against her better instincts with regards to their children, then it's very much the OP's issue.

This is not about you OP. Stop making it about you.

It is his past. His trauma. His history. You support him and stop making this your issue.

The OP says the SIL has been arrested in the last few years - I think that is recent enough to be a cause for concern.

Was she also a child or very young adult/older teen at the time, how was she being supported with her bahviour, whats the cause of it. This isnt excusing her abuse of him but if that was a current thread about her behavioral concerns there would be lots of focus on her needs, behaviour is communication etc etc

OP you dont know the context of what was happening or why she has developed the way she has.

Sounds like his parents did a proper job on him there - convincing him that it's all fine and was just how she was/he probably did something to provoke her, let's not make a big thing about it, what would the neighbours say, blah, blah, blah.

I'd have the most problem with them, not him.

This is all history not recent past. Every level of you is being unreasonable and gives some explanation as to why your OH didn’t tell you.

You need to try to understand that people who grow up with these things in their childhood don’t see them the way others do from outside.

To him it is just how he experienced life - unremarkable - not something that is so unusual as to need special disclosure.

I agree to talk with him about it.

My mother who is now 75 only recently revealed the extent of the physical abuse she suffered at the hands of one of her older sisters. She was very casual about it. I was horrified and said that it was abuse and she just said 'no, not really- that's what sisters do'. It was her normal and she did not recognise it as abuse.

Their parents left the household when she was 11 and she was brought up by her sister. Her sister used to beat her and once tied her to the back gate and left her there overnight. It took me being openly shocked for her to understand that it WAS abuse. I know that seems crazy, but it was normal for her.

If you are worried about the genetic element, don't. We never know, we really don't know enough.

Why not, if you never leave them alone with her? I understand your immediate reaction but I hope on reflection you will conclude you were overreacting. I’m sure your DH is as anxious as you are about the welfare of the children, and he is the one who knows her best.

I can understand your frustration if he has specifically excused unpleasant behaviour on the grounds that she is harmless when he knows that isn't true. Whether he said that because he genuinely believes it or because he's worried about repurcussions if he was honest about her history, it isn't ideal.

I would be a lot more forgiving over an ommission, but it sounds like he has defended her and fully lied in the process which does need addressing.

Perfectly understandable to be upset but she has never been alone with them. Please be kind and don't criticise him. As others have said, he might try and re-write history for self-preservation.

It’s about him not you and by the sounds of it he’s allowed contact but doesn’t sound like he’s put them at risk
what happened was totally different situation

if he wanted to or felt the need to he would of told you

the guy was abused sounds like he’s been able to deal with it he does not need shit off you years later for being a victim

has you SIL ever done anything to your kids