Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So fed up of DH doing naff all for DCs birthdays. Solidarity please

36 replies

Goodenoughisgoodenough · 15/03/2025 09:16

So, today is my DDs 15th birthday. We have 5 girls coming for a sleepover. I work full time in an intense job, plus have just had to go away for a few days to care for elderly parents. Got back on Wednesday. Mad work catch up on Thurs and Friday. Skive off work Friday afternoon to buy treats, last minute gifts, presents on behalf of elderly DPs too,. Am now dashing to supermarket before DD gets up. House is a bombsite, needs cleaning. DH has told me he's going out for the day. Possibly a good thing later. The teenagers won't want us around later...but...but..but...I'm busy as a busy thing ALL day today making everything "nice". All he has done is sign a card....I don't mind shopping for gifts, making the party happen, but it is the "blindness" to the load which is making me so mad

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Ooorhead · 30/03/2025 07:08

What’s he like for Mother’s Day op? And your birthday?

Surfshoe · 20/03/2025 09:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Surfshoe · 20/03/2025 09:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Goodenoughisgoodenough · 20/03/2025 08:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

wow judgemental... there are lots of things that I'm hugely proud of about our family. Two very happy children, who are close to their parents.

OP posts:
Surfshoe · 20/03/2025 06:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DorothyStorm · 19/03/2025 20:22

ConnieSlow · 18/03/2025 13:25

@DorothyStormi see you have difficulty with comprehension. I asked why couldn’t ‘everyone’ help out. Why couldn’t the teen help clean up for her own friends coming over. She’s 15 not 5.

But not the adult man? Still not him?

ConnieSlow · 18/03/2025 13:25

@DorothyStormi see you have difficulty with comprehension. I asked why couldn’t ‘everyone’ help out. Why couldn’t the teen help clean up for her own friends coming over. She’s 15 not 5.

Original poster
Goodenoughisgoodenough · 16/03/2025 12:00

Ketchupbroc · 16/03/2025 09:01

You’d both forgotten your daughter’s birthday?!

Show quote history

No, of course not. I worded this badly. I mean, he forgot. I'd done all the planning and prep for our older DC birthday. Same as this birthday.

OP posts:
Ketchupbroc · 16/03/2025 09:01

Goodenoughisgoodenough · 15/03/2025 11:59

Yes an older teen - who has just left home. This is my DD's first birthday without her older sibling around.
On my older teen's birthday - my DH texted me at work, the day before "It's X's birthday tomorrow! I forgot! have you got anything..?"... And yes. I'd done the same - nipped out of work, spent an hour in John Lewis buying things. booked the restaurant table etc..

Show quote history

You’d both forgotten your daughter’s birthday?!

DorothyStorm · 16/03/2025 08:39

ConnieSlow · 15/03/2025 12:20

But what stopped you from getting your dd to help clean up yesterday? I mean she’s 15 and it’s her friends coming over. So why couldn’t everyone help out last night?

Yea op. Dont you know men should never be expected to clean up, or even join in with family life, especially when they are women and girls there.

Ketchupbroc · 15/03/2025 14:58

I imagine Christmas is a truly joyous occasion in this family home

🤔

ConnieSlow · 15/03/2025 12:20

But what stopped you from getting your dd to help clean up yesterday? I mean she’s 15 and it’s her friends coming over. So why couldn’t everyone help out last night?

Daschund1 · 15/03/2025 12:15

NRTFT but this can't have come as a surprise. I like DH not being involved and DC are well aware of what happens on Birthdays. It's a family joke at Christmas that he sees their gifts as they open them.
As a child I had crap Birthdays and Christmases so make no apology to anyone for going OTT and DH doesn't mind. I give DC the days I wished for. We can afford it and with combined finances DH is contributing far more than me in that sense.
What I don't do is buy for any members of his family, not even a card. I matched DH's effort with me and he soon learned. Last year he booked a surprise hotel break and bought a thoughtful gift. His DM got money in an envelope. He was firmly cooked when I met him and trained by his DM so I feel no guilt there
I taught DC (the youngest of whom is 18 now) and they're all brilliant with me, their siblings and partners.
What I wouldn't be ok with is the house being a mess and DH thinking that was my job.

Original poster
Goodenoughisgoodenough · 15/03/2025 11:59

Dolambslikemintsauce · 15/03/2025 11:56

Do you have other dc?

Yes an older teen - who has just left home. This is my DD's first birthday without her older sibling around.
On my older teen's birthday - my DH texted me at work, the day before "It's X's birthday tomorrow! I forgot! have you got anything..?"... And yes. I'd done the same - nipped out of work, spent an hour in John Lewis buying things. booked the restaurant table etc..

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodenoughisgoodenough · 15/03/2025 11:57

Icyroll · 15/03/2025 09:30

This issue aside… I’m guessing a pretty unhappy unhealthy marriage?

yes, not 'unhappy' exactly... but definitely 'needs work'. We're going through a turbulent time. We also have a 19-yr-old who has just left home. The shift in dynamic is creating a lot of relationship stuff too. Highlighting unhealthy communication I guess. Not sure where we're going. But that's a bigger MN thread!

OP posts:
Dolambslikemintsauce · 15/03/2025 11:56

Do you have other dc?

Original poster
Goodenoughisgoodenough · 15/03/2025 11:54

BusyMum47 · 15/03/2025 09:56

@Goodenoughisgoodenough

As everyone else has already said, you need to TELL HIM to stop being such a useless, thoughtless prick & step up! If you've let him get away with the 'blindness' for all these years then he's going to keep sailing along, letting you take all the load.

Him: I'm going out for the day
You: Are you fuck! This is what you need to get done...

🤷‍♀️

General update! So... I got back from supermarket with £100 of shopping to put away. Asked DH to put shopping away - which he did. He wanted to dash out (to his yoga class...oh, the irony...). We get DD up out of teenage lie-in. Do presents. She's happy. His original plan had been to go to Yoga class then a load of errands and social engagements and be out all day and evening. (social stuff which I have to forego, because I'm at home waiting on a load of teenage girls). I asked if he was still planning to be out for the day? his reply; 'what do you want me to do?' huffily.... as if I need to justify or give a break down of decorating cake/cleaning kitchen/hoovering etc. I told him "I'd just like you to come back after yoga because I really don't want to do this alone all day and evening, and would like support." He agreed...Thank you MN for making me see sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodenoughisgoodenough · 15/03/2025 11:46

thepariscrimefiles · 15/03/2025 09:43

You work full time in an intense job and do everything else for your children. What's your DH's contribution to the household? Is it just money? He sounds like a very disengaged father and husband. I hope your daughter appreciates you and realises that everything she is enjoying about her birthday (presents, sleepover, treats) is down to you and not her selfish father.

I'm the main financial contributor. Earn three times what he does. (But I'm on a fairly middle-of-the-road salary). In lots of ways he's very engaged - ie spends time with our kids (we have a 19 yr old too - who is away travelling). He's very attentive, plays games with them when they were little etc. And was around for childcare, which was really valuable. He's also good at many household tasks. eg cooks and shops. But... but.. he doesn't value 'gifts/birthdays' anyway. Never asks what he can do to support me. Gets huffy if I ask for help

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodenoughisgoodenough · 15/03/2025 11:42

labradorservant · 15/03/2025 09:48

So it’s your Dds birthday and your DH is out for the day? Is he seeing your DD at all? Does she know? I know she’ll want rid of him later but it’s a whole day. My DD was a bit upset as it was her birthday in half term and my DH went to work 😂.

Did he even ask you if it was ok to go out today? Like you might be having a family lunch or something. Golf, football or rugby? Which is more important than your DD?

No, he didn't ask. I asked what his plans were. He had back-to-back 'things to do' which involved leaving the house at 10am. This is the thing that hurts the most. I want him to ask 'is there anything I can do', 'Will you be ok if I go out?'...etc.
In some ways it's a balancing act for him - because a load of teen girls don't 'want' him around - but he is needed, a bit for prep! And to be there for birthday breakfast... And yes I can tell him he's needed - but also tired of having to spell it out...

OP posts:
BusyMum47 · 15/03/2025 09:56

@Goodenoughisgoodenough

As everyone else has already said, you need to TELL HIM to stop being such a useless, thoughtless prick & step up! If you've let him get away with the 'blindness' for all these years then he's going to keep sailing along, letting you take all the load.

Him: I'm going out for the day
You: Are you fuck! This is what you need to get done...

🤷‍♀️

labradorservant · 15/03/2025 09:48

So it’s your Dds birthday and your DH is out for the day? Is he seeing your DD at all? Does she know? I know she’ll want rid of him later but it’s a whole day. My DD was a bit upset as it was her birthday in half term and my DH went to work 😂.

Did he even ask you if it was ok to go out today? Like you might be having a family lunch or something. Golf, football or rugby? Which is more important than your DD?

Everydayimhuffling · 15/03/2025 09:48

I do more of the birthday stuff because I like choosing presents and making cake for my DC, but there's no way I would be cleaning the house by myself before a birthday party! I can't believe either of you think it's ok for him to swan off for the day with no notice and leave you to sort everything out. I would have absolutely lost my shit if DP suggested such a thing. And he wouldn't dream of it.

GreenCandleWax · 15/03/2025 09:43

Dinosweetpea · 15/03/2025 09:32

He's going out for the day? And leaving you to tidy, clean, cook, party prep? Wtf?

Did you hit the roof and explain why, OP? Or is this so normal that you didn't protest? It is concerning if your 15 year old DD has had the latter modelled to her as a pattern for relationships. Hope she has a happy birthday. 🎂

thepariscrimefiles · 15/03/2025 09:43

You work full time in an intense job and do everything else for your children. What's your DH's contribution to the household? Is it just money? He sounds like a very disengaged father and husband. I hope your daughter appreciates you and realises that everything she is enjoying about her birthday (presents, sleepover, treats) is down to you and not her selfish father.

TakeawayAugust · 15/03/2025 09:42

Happy birthday to your lovely DD 🎂🎉🎁🎈

March 2010 was a magical time 🙌