Page 4 | Would this give you ‘the ick’?

ritaBx · 2025-03-15T07:54:33+00:00

Decided to try online dating. Been speaking to a guy and it’s been going quite well in terms of conversation. We are the same age (40) and he claims he’s been single for just over a year. He works away a lot (which would be fine for me in terms of a relationship, I like my own space) but last night we were talking and I asked him about his house when he goes home. He said he lives with his mum and dad at the moment and has done since his relationship broke down. I can get why this would be better for him - he works away a lot anyway so it would save him a fortune but it did put me off a bit. I realise lots of us live back to our parents when a relationship breaks down. I did the same a few years ago and lived with my mum for almost 18 months. But that was my healing era. I needed it and wasn’t looking for another relationship at the time. I am also wondering if his break up is more recent than he’s letting on. He does have a child so im guessing he was the one to move out. I don’t know, I just feel he’s not fully sorted over his break up yet and that’s sort of putting me off abit - I don’t want to ask too many questions though! Would It put you off? A 40 year old living back at his parents? Baring in mind his job involves working away for the majority….

JMSA · 15/03/2025 09:26

I wouldn’t date a guy living with his parents. The fact that it makes ‘financial sense’ makes it no more attractive in my eyes. A very temporary stopgap would be different, like if he was waiting for his new house to be ready

TryForSpring · 15/03/2025 09:22

Ablondiebutagoody · 15/03/2025 09:20

I find it weird that you feel this way considering you did it yourself for 18 months. Assuming that he has some kind of shared custody going on, I would say that the stability of being at grandparents is also better for his child(ren) at this time.

Read OPs posts. She’s explained this and has clearly been through hell.

Ablondiebutagoody · 15/03/2025 09:20

I find it weird that you feel this way considering you did it yourself for 18 months. Assuming that he has some kind of shared custody going on, I would say that the stability of being at grandparents is also better for his child(ren) at this time.

boobleblingo · 15/03/2025 09:18

It's up to you to decide - I would never date someone who was living at their parent's house, but if it doesn't bother you, who cares what anyone else thinks?

ChicaWowWow · 15/03/2025 09:17

ritaBx · 15/03/2025 09:13

@TryForSpring

I don’t know if he’s being dishonest - just vague. But that obviously can lead to dishonesty.

My gut feeling is to just end it there but in other areas he’s been lovely to get to know.

Another red flag though is he’s offered to do some work on my garden if things were to go well between us. Some may see that as a kind gesture. I see it as he’s eyeing up my home before he’s even seen it. I hate the way my mind works now with dating. It’s not fun. But I know I’m just trying to protect myself from further trauma.

It's not fun, but it could be life saving! It doesn't hurt to apply for Clare's Law to see if there's anything there about him, and also listen to this podcast, as i feel like most of us women go into relationships with good intentions, forgetting to risk assess 1st: https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0029395

File on 4 Investigates - Femicide - BBC Sounds

The eight stages that mark a relationship’s transformation to murder.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0029395

Original poster

ritaBx · 15/03/2025 09:13

@TryForSpring

I don’t know if he’s being dishonest - just vague. But that obviously can lead to dishonesty.

My gut feeling is to just end it there but in other areas he’s been lovely to get to know.

Another red flag though is he’s offered to do some work on my garden if things were to go well between us. Some may see that as a kind gesture. I see it as he’s eyeing up my home before he’s even seen it. I hate the way my mind works now with dating. It’s not fun. But I know I’m just trying to protect myself from further trauma.

OP posts:

TryForSpring · 15/03/2025 09:01

Originally he said he had been single for a year. A couple of days ago, he said something that made me question it (which I won’t say on here as it’s too complicated to even type) and then last night he said he had only recently moved back to his parents.

Dishonesty is a pretty big red flag.

ChicaWowWow · 15/03/2025 08:59

ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:39

@Regretsmorethanafew Again - if you read what I’ve said in my OP, I’ve said it’s fine for people to do that and for him it makes financial sense.

However when I did it, I didn’t start looking for a new relationship. Each to their own but that wasn’t for me.

Originally he said he had been single for a year. A couple of days ago, he said something that made me question it (which I won’t say on here as it’s too complicated to even type) and then last night he said he had only recently moved back to his parents.

Putting all this together makes me question whether he is honest at how long he has been single. Which leads me to believe he is just looking for the next relationship rather than getting himself sorted on his own. If this was the case, I’d run a mile.

I would be wary too. The vagueness about how/when his last relationship ended and how/when he moved back to his parents and when he's planning on moving out (and where to) would be an orange flag for me.

gannett · 15/03/2025 08:56

ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:39

@Regretsmorethanafew Again - if you read what I’ve said in my OP, I’ve said it’s fine for people to do that and for him it makes financial sense.

However when I did it, I didn’t start looking for a new relationship. Each to their own but that wasn’t for me.

Originally he said he had been single for a year. A couple of days ago, he said something that made me question it (which I won’t say on here as it’s too complicated to even type) and then last night he said he had only recently moved back to his parents.

Putting all this together makes me question whether he is honest at how long he has been single. Which leads me to believe he is just looking for the next relationship rather than getting himself sorted on his own. If this was the case, I’d run a mile.

This isn't the ick? You're suspicious that he's not been honest (and you may well be right). "The ick" is a godawful phrase regardless but using it to mean anything other than an irrational turn-off is nonsensical. What you've described is a rational suspicion, not an irrational lack of attraction.

(I think adults who have to move back in with their parents are as entitled to seek relationships as anyone else. But I've never seen a woman judged for it in the same way that men can be. I mean, how would you have felt during your healing process if a man had sneered that you gave him the ick.)

Loloj · 15/03/2025 08:50

Before I met my husband I would have said yes it would have given me the ick - I mean it’s not exactly a turn on a man in his 40’s living with his mum.

However, when I met my husband he was living back with his mum temporarily to help her out and he had moved back to the area after being away- so it didn’t bother me too much. It was in the back of my mind though so I was cautious about how the relationship progressed and what his plans were. We are now happily married.

Neveranynamesleft · 15/03/2025 08:47

You know very little about him and his reasons for being there and at this stage it's none of your business really.

Regretsmorethanafew · 15/03/2025 08:44

Actually you may want to read yourself what you actually write. Because you laid it out as two separate things that you didn't like.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 15/03/2025 08:44

Maybe he has a good job but it’s not close to where his child lives so he’s staying with parents so he can be nearer? Maybe his goal is to buy near his place of work but he wants to be closer to family for now? Maybe until he finds a job he’s happy with he’s waiting to choose where to live? There are loads of reasons. I think you’re being unreasonable as you’re making assumptions. But if it gives you the ick it gives you the ick.

Original poster

ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:43

@IButtleSir

It is and I’m proud of it.

My healing era included finally being brave enough to go to the police, lots of therapy, courses on domestic abuse, healthy weight loss, shit loads of self care, sorting a proper home for me and my children, going back to work in a job that I love (I wasn’t allowed to work) and being social again with my friends (also wasn’t allowed to do this for 9 years, I’d be accused of having an affair every time I left the house). Last week a bought a new car as I am now financially stable enough to do so.

I love my healing era. Saved my life.

OP posts:

Original poster

ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:39

@Regretsmorethanafew Again - if you read what I’ve said in my OP, I’ve said it’s fine for people to do that and for him it makes financial sense.

However when I did it, I didn’t start looking for a new relationship. Each to their own but that wasn’t for me.

Originally he said he had been single for a year. A couple of days ago, he said something that made me question it (which I won’t say on here as it’s too complicated to even type) and then last night he said he had only recently moved back to his parents.

Putting all this together makes me question whether he is honest at how long he has been single. Which leads me to believe he is just looking for the next relationship rather than getting himself sorted on his own. If this was the case, I’d run a mile.

OP posts:

IButtleSir · 15/03/2025 08:38

But that was my healing era.

My god, what a sentence.

Original poster

ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:33

@MaryGreenhill

Healing should be done alone. Looking for a new relationship whilst healing from your previous relationship means you are using your new partner as a way of making yourself feel better. But the relationship is completely meaningless. Ends up with all sorts of issues and I wouldn’t never want that in my life again. Something I absolutely want to avoid.

Regardless of where he lives, I’d hope he was over his last relationship.

OP posts:

Regretsmorethanafew · 15/03/2025 08:33

So it was ok for you to move back to a parent after a break up but not ok for him to do the exact same thing?

Original poster

ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:27

@gannett I’ve said in my OP that I know people do it - they have no choice and that’s fine. I wasn’t looking for a relationship while I was living at my mums though.

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Original poster

ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:24

@OnlyHerefortheBiscuits

Number 3 probably which I realise is a ‘me’ problem. In general, I find it a huge red flag when people jump from one relationship to the next. I don’t want that again.

To be honest, I think his break up is possibly more recent than he said it is. So he’s just moved back home and is already looking for the next.

Although he seems to be a decent bloke from what I can make out, subconsciously I think I’ve realised there are similarities between his situation and that of my abusive ex husband. He was living at his mums when I met him, just out of a relationship and had moved in within weeks.

Maybe that’s why I’m questioning it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Although I do realise that wouldn’t happen in this case, and I wouldn’t let it happen even if he began pushing for it.

OP posts:

stayathomer · 15/03/2025 08:23

If I was single I’d be back with my mum in a second, we get on great and she’s not hugely mobile. Your choice if you don’t like it but I think it’s mad people judging nowadays given how hard everything is on people

MaryGreenhill · 15/03/2025 08:23

Perhaps he is healing too just like you did OP?

NatureOverNightclubs · 15/03/2025 08:19

Yes it would. Living with your parents at that age is pathetic.

gannett · 15/03/2025 08:17

You can choose to not date someone for any reasons you want, but YABU (and a hypocrite) to say something that YOU YOURSELF DID gives you "the ick".

GarabostGal · 15/03/2025 08:17

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