Would this give you ‘the ick’?

I suppose you will find out more if you talk to him. Like "So for how long have you been living with your parents?" And in another context when suitable: " Tell me about your dc, what's he like? How often do you see him?" Not very often I take it if he's working away, seeing you on the week-ends. This is important information to judge his character. Dating is basically getting facts (common values, coherent timelines, truthfulness) combined with feelings (how attracted you are). In a perfect world head and heart gives the thumbs up to go forward...

I think finding a man who is living alone, is solvent, does everything to support his children, has a good relationship with his ex and has been through his healing era…
Doesn’t happen.
A woman can be sat at home heartbroken and half-starved and a man will be tucking into a fry-up.
So far this man is ticking red flag boxes in your ex’s boxes, not his own.
Thats the thing with online contact, you can’t weigh anything up. You need to spend some real time with him, and if he just wants to jog round to yours to get physical, then he can jog on.
If you see and hear a red flag in person you will know I think.
Give him a bit of time, but proceed with caution.

The he biggest worry for me is that you find supporting his child a “huge green flag”. That’s a low bar

Well not “none of her business” really as they are dating. This is exactly the time for curiosity and honesty on both their parts. Is dating now supposed to be an exchange of encrypted information to which the woman is not entitled a key?

I can totally see where you are coming from OP. He's not settled into his new life as a separated man yet. Him living with his parents is a sign of that, especially since he makes good money and could make other choices. You sound like you have spent time figuring your life out and you know what you want, he isn't there yet.

I'm also in my 40s and wouldn't date a man who lives at home unless it's very temporary whilst waiting for house purchase to complete or similar. When I was 20 I didn't have a problem with it and it was quite normal, but going to see my middle aged boyfriend whilst he lives in his parents house and hang out in his bedroom feels very wrong.

My husband didn’t leave home until he was 30 and moving with me.
’on paper’ I was a bit 😬 as I pictured something completely different to the reality (which is a well rounded man with a healthy parental relationship and a lot of respect, who pays his way)
life is expensive now and I don’t know how any one can afford to live alone.
I know people who have only just left home at 40 because they wanted to buy a house rather than waste money on rent.
don’t let it put you off.

My daughter is 38 and lives with us as she’s away working 60% of the time. Makes economical sense really. I’d hate to think anyone would thinks she’s weird because of that 😳

This series is SO good. It should be on the national curriculum.

OP didn’t start trying to date until she was fully back on her feet, and would feel more comfortable and less icky with someone in the same position. She’s explained this.

OP, what troubles me is the amount of thought you are putting in before you have even met this guy.

What if you are not even attracted to him when you meet? What if (like so many men on OLD) he is not really who he says he is at all?

You seem enormously invested, given you have only been chatting.....

You seem to see "healing" as a process that takes a bit of time but then is fully and completely done. I think you should consider the possibility that healing is a life long process in fact, and that you too, like almost all of us, have more of it to do.

And then stop over thinking who this man is before you have even met him. If you like the sound of him,fix a date and go from there. Only by meeting him can you know if you are compatible.

Good luck.

He works away a lot, he’s away for the weekend with his dad and brother, and he’s also spending some of his free time online dating.

When does he actually see his child?

I'd worry a little bit about 'future faking' with all the decking talk.

But I agree with a pp, I'm not sure you're ready for dating yet. You're trying to read between the lines constantly (which, in your situation is natural) and you might need a little bit more time with something much more casual before you start on the 'come round and do the decking' style of dating.

You've been in an abusive relationship, of course you're more cautious Op, that's a good thing. He's living at home isn't a problem, if he tries to make you the answer to his money/ housing/childcare issues that's a problem

He may not be lying at all though. Both those things he told you could be true.
Maybe he stayed in the house with his ex for a while after the split, he could of couch surfed and then settled with his parents.
It sounds like you are just in the talking stage online, it’s not unusual to be vague with certain details at this stage. He could of had a messy and traumatic break up and it’s not the time to disclose all that information to someone you’ve only recently met

Watch how he treats his mum very closely. I was once told you can judge a man on how he treats his mum, as that is how he will treat you. Does he pull his weight, help his parents, or is he mentally still a teenager? What is the home set up?

Yep, the ick. I just couldn't respect him if he couldn't be bothered to stand on his own two feet.

Also would make me wonder if dating was him looking for someone else to take care of him. A mum, but one he could have sex with.

All my old friends from Secondary school who have never been married or children still live at home and all are turning 40 in a few
months time. None of them can afford to buy their own property (London borough), and all want to stay close to their families.

Life is incredibly expensive nowadays. Please cut the guy some slack. Even rental deposits are expensive, and landlords and agencies expect very high earnings.

To me living with his parents would be a much smaller concern than him lying about how long he has been separated. If you feel he is being dishonest because things he has said don’t quite add up or are vague enough to feel shady, then he probably is. The truth is usually clear and consistent and even if a situation is complicated the truth usually makes sense.

When a relationship is new, I wouldn’t dream of asking or sharing financial information, but knowing how long ago their previous relationship ended is basic common sense.

Your update about him wanting to work in your garden wouldn’t sit well with me. Do you have physical difficulties that prevent you doing your own gardening? If not, I would see that as him wanting to mark his territory in your home and maybe trying to put you in a position where you obligated to him in some way.

He might just want to be helpful but at this early stage a weekend away together would be more appropriate than spending the weekend on domestic chores

Tbh OP, I’m not sure you are ready for a relationship yet. That isn’t a criticism, but your last post is very revealing.

We all need to get back on our feet after a relationship breakdown. Can't see why him doing the same is giving the ick