Would this give you ‘the ick’?

No, daughters are fine, but an adult son who enjoys the company of his own parents is a giant Mumsnet red flag. It means there’s going to be very little potential to ‘go nc’ with the (inevitably appalling) future mother in law…

I'm curious - what kind of relationship breakdown wouldn’t be considered severe when it results in someone leaving their child in infancy? I can't think of many reasons a father would do that unless something quite serious was involved.

Also, I didn't say she threw him out - just that it was one possible explanation for why a 40-year-old man with a young child is back living with his mother (which seems like another likely scenario).

Working away a lot...
You probably can't visit his house (as it's his parents) ....
A bit vague...

A bit suspicious to me.

What on earth are you talking about? Are we reading the same thread here?! Where does it say he's abandoned his child, or his ex threw him out?... Relationships in the majority of cases breakdown because people no longer want to be together. It doesn't have to be sinister.

I'll rephrase: Why has he abandoned his family and isn't seeing much of his child?

I would be suspicious that she either threw him out because he was useless or abusive or he left because he didn't like the new dynamic where her attention was heavily focused on the child. Of course there are exceptions but unfortunately, we know what men are like.

I'm suspicious of any man who leaves his young child.

In this day and age, no, I think he's making a pragmatic choice. I guess the issue is more when the relationship breakdown was and if he might still be hung up on it.

@ritaBx staying at your parents for a while doesn’t put me off full stop .
Long term even just passed the dating , when you are sleeping together what then ?
I wouldn’t be at my home all the time .

How do you spend time alone ?

For the here and now knowing he works away of course it suits him . Maybe if he has someone in his life he would get his own place .

You are just at the getting to know him stage. Take him at face value, ask questions, and trust him whilst still being cautious.

He isn’t your ex. He may or may not be a wrong un, but don’t sabotage a potentially good relationship by making assumptions, when you can find out who he is over time. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and get to know him. Just don’t fall head over heels. Exercise a bit of caution until you properly know him.

It wouldn't put me off, no. It certainly wouldn't give me the ick. If he has a child then he's quite possibly having to continue to pay the mortage or rent on the house his ex and child live in. Perhaps he can't really afford a separate place of his own as well, or even if he can, if he works away a lot why would he bother?

Perhaps he is saving for a place. Perhaps he is having a 'healing period.' Why is it okay for you but not for him?

The only thing that I would be wary of is a man in this situation who was a bit too keen to move in with me quite quickly into the relationship. I'd wonder if he was looking for somewhere cheap and convenient to lodge between stints away, rather than actually committing to me. It would get him out of his mum and dads without costing him much.

If he's split up with his ex I would doubt that she wants him living with them still?

If he was still living with them then he'd definitely not be dating material 😂

I would have the ick from the lack of parenting he is doing and would want to know a lot more about why he isn't living with his child.

The living with parents temporarily wouldn't be a massive issue for me.

@ritaBx

Has he said what he does as a job?

You've said that it's one which means being away a lot.

You did the same for 18 months, he’s so far done it for over a year… seems similar? I wouldn’t worry he was immature given it is a short period, he works away and will be adjusting. The only consideration is whether he’s ready to commit emotionally but he might well be ready. Ask him about that.

Or...

He doesn't want to pay 100% of bills on a home when he's working away more than home?

He's saving up to buy a house vs blowing money on rent.

He's paying a high percentage towards his child and puts that as his priority.

He's helping his parents out with bills by moving back in.

He's waiting on money from the sale of a property with his ex.

.... Thing is it could be any of the above. Or he could just be a waster. None of us know, including OP! As she's not even met with the fella to ask 🙃 We can all make assumptions but they boil down to nothing.

I agree.
An adult that literally can’t / won’t put a roof over their own head?
Jeez in the dating game that’s really scraping the bottom of the barrel.
I wouldn’t want that anywhere near me, let alone at my side 😂😂😂😂

Not in the slightest - you don't know all the details yet, you are not very well acquainted yet. Don't bin him just for that!

Exactly! And I bet that’s the case. Totally unattractive and pathetic.

The more I think about this, the more I think you are way too invested. You are thinking so much about this man and his suitability (or otherwise) that you have even started a thread about it....

He may not be in any sense who he says he is. He may be chatting to multiple women at the moment. He may have zero intention of ever meeting you. But you are wasting valuable time worrying about his living arrangements and what it might say about him as a person.....

At this stage you ought to be chatting to a number of possible dates, keeping your options open, at least till one materialises into suggesting and booking in an actual meet up - has he even mentioned this? Have you?

I also would strongly advise you meet him and any other potential dates as soon as possible, so you don't get drawn into the chatting, and reading too much into it, building it into something it isn't, etc.

I don't mean this unkindly, but it's clear that you are new to on-line dating, and I think being somewhat naive about it? You seem to assume that this man is presenting himself entirely accurately. Sadly, this is very often not the case (tho he could be, of course).

I think you need to take it less seriously, until you are actually dating someone and clearly that there is mutual spark etc etc.

It's good to be cautious but it sounds like you've not even met in person yet? I'd not get so heavily invested in just chat online with anyone on OLD. If it's ticking some boxes then arrange a coffee date and meet in person.

Lots of people don't want to go into the far end of a fart with OLD chit chat with very personal stuff (I don't!). Also bare in mind he's probably having simultaneous conversations with several other people too. I'll chat about hobbies and whatnot with strangers (you are strangers on OLD), but I'll not launch into specifics about my finances/family too much as it's nobodies business at that point...

It’s fine as long as you don’t let him move in, wouldn’t give me the ick, he should have plenty of extra cash to take you both away so you’re not always at your house!

It’s fine as long as you don’t let him move in, wouldn’t give me the ick, he should have plenty of extra cash to take you both away so you’re not always at your house!

The problem with dating a man who lives with his parents is that almost ALL contact has to be in YOUR home (unless you really enjoy hanging out with his mum or snuggling up in his childhood bedroom). Which puts all the onus for keeping the house tidy/sorting out meals/arranging times onto you. And it can come to feel natural, so he always comes to you, then he stays over every weekend, then he's there in the week - because of course you can't go to his. Before you know it, he's moved in by stealth.

You're right to be cautious I think, but maybe meet up and ask a few more questions. Get to know him a little bit face to face. He could be telling you anything. He may even be a married man living at home with wife and child and just wants a bit of online fun as well. if this were the case, he wouldn't have much to say about supporting his child, or how long he has been single because he would have to make it all up, so it would be easier to avoid those subjects than to keep up with the lies. Also saying he lives with his parents would be a good excuse not to ask you back to his, and saying he works away a lot could be an excuse for not seeing you when he's with his wife and child/children. it does happen.. (I do also watch a lot of TV lol)