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Original poster

Would this give you ‘the ick’?

111 replies

ritaBx · 15/03/2025 07:54

Decided to try online dating. Been speaking to a guy and it’s been going quite well in terms of conversation.

We are the same age (40) and he claims he’s been single for just over a year.

He works away a lot (which would be fine for me in terms of a relationship, I like my own space) but last night we were talking and I asked him about his house when he goes home. He said he lives with his mum and dad at the moment and has done since his relationship broke down.

I can get why this would be better for him - he works away a lot anyway so it would save him a fortune but it did put me
off a bit.

I realise lots of us live back to our parents when a relationship breaks down. I did the same a few years ago and lived with my mum for almost 18 months. But that was my healing era. I needed it and wasn’t looking for another relationship at the time.

I am also wondering if his break up is more recent than he’s letting on. He does have a child so im guessing he was the one to move out.

I don’t know, I just feel he’s not fully sorted over his break up yet and that’s sort of putting me off abit - I don’t want to ask too many questions though!

Would It put you off? A 40 year old living back at his parents? Baring in mind his job involves working away for the majority….

OP posts:
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Letstrythatagaineh · 17/03/2025 09:44

HenDoNot · 15/03/2025 09:57

He works away a lot, he’s away for the weekend with his dad and brother, and he’s also spending some of his free time online dating.

When does he actually see his child?

My worry with this working away etc would be screaming at me that he's still attached!

pizzaHeart · 17/03/2025 09:13

ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:39

@Regretsmorethanafew Again - if you read what I’ve said in my OP, I’ve said it’s fine for people to do that and for him it makes financial sense.

However when I did it, I didn’t start looking for a new relationship. Each to their own but that wasn’t for me.

Originally he said he had been single for a year. A couple of days ago, he said something that made me question it (which I won’t say on here as it’s too complicated to even type) and then last night he said he had only recently moved back to his parents.

Putting all this together makes me question whether he is honest at how long he has been single. Which leads me to believe he is just looking for the next relationship rather than getting himself sorted on his own. If this was the case, I’d run a mile.

all of these could be true. He probably tried to find somewhere to live and then moved to parents because of financial reasons e.g was renting while less travel and moved to parents when travel increased.
in my area he would have to come back to parents unless he could pay silly money for renting. So as long as he has a plan I won’t begrudge him sensible financial decisions.

Flozle · 17/03/2025 09:06

TryForSpring · 17/03/2025 08:50

Roll your eyes at this. Sure you'll manage it...

Show quote history

I can manage to roll my eyes at many things, but this wasn’t aimed at the “healing”; I was being a curmudgeon about “era” and also OP’s double standards.

randomchap · 17/03/2025 09:05

Why does it matter if it gives other people "the ick" or not. What matters is how you feel. Or are you just wanting validation from others?

Are you happy in the relationship? If so then stay, if not leave. You're not living together, or have children together. It's not complicated

Notmyrealname22 · 17/03/2025 09:01

Just ask him straight up next time you see him. “I’m a bit confused about the timeline with when you broke up with your ex and when you moved in with your parents”.
just leave it there and let him fill the silence, and see what he says. Then when he answers dig a little deeper “oh, so you didn’t move out straight away?” Or “so where did you live between breaking up and moving in with your parents”.

if he’s got nothing to hide, it should not cause an issue. If he’s evasive or deceitful or defensive, then there might be some red flags
and you need to figure out how you want to proceed. Both in the conversation and the relationship.

TryForSpring · 17/03/2025 08:50

Flozle · 16/03/2025 19:48

Maybe he’s in his “healing era”? 🙄

Roll your eyes at this. Sure you'll manage it...

Would this give you ‘the ick’?
MooDeng23 · 17/03/2025 08:48

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MooDeng23 · 17/03/2025 08:45

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Jumpers4goalposts · 17/03/2025 06:41

No I don’t think it would give me the ick but I’d just be more wary. I have a friend who moved back in with his parents after the breakdown of his relationship. It allows him to fully support his child financially his ex probably takes the mic a little to be honest. He’s a nice guy and definitely is over ex and isn’t planning on moving in with someone he meets. I think he just does not have the reason to move out.

DollydaydreamTheThird · 16/03/2025 21:07

ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:27

@gannett I’ve said in my OP that I know people do it - they have no choice and that’s fine. I wasn’t looking for a relationship while I was living at my mums though.

He's a man though OP. They literally jump from relationship to relationship. You're lucky if they end the first one before they jump to the next. It is always the man who ends up in a relationship first after a break up. It's like their egos can't cope without someone fawning over them. They make me sick. I would be a bit wary OP but you know what you are doing this time. You've already said there is no way you would let him get his feet straight under the table. If this puts him off then you know he isn't the man for you. If it's meant to be he will be happy to move at your pace. If not LTB.

Flozle · 16/03/2025 19:48

Maybe he’s in his “healing era”? 🙄

Rachand23 · 16/03/2025 19:09

OP Go with your gut instinct.

Missj25 · 16/03/2025 18:35

Wouldn’t give me the ick , makes sense seeing as he works away a lot & only single a year ..
I’m sure it’s not his forever plan ..
All that aside , if you’re looking for a relationship, someone who works away more than he is around is not going to work out well …
You can’t get to know someone who is only around here & there 🤷🏻‍♀️…..

SpiritOfEcstasy · 16/03/2025 18:30

The minute any man says ‘he works away a lot’ it’s a giant red flag - it’s soooo common! That means he can’t see you very often … living with his parents means you can’t go to his house. I suspect a cat fish - does he work on an oil rig by any chance??? Or he’s married …

Kitkatcatflap · 16/03/2025 18:17

My question - has he ever lived alone? And by that I mean, without a wife/girlfriend or parents.

HenDoNot · 16/03/2025 17:19

ZoggyStirdust · 16/03/2025 17:13

Op did it
was she pathetic or is it just men?

Show quote history

OP wasn’t trying to date or start another relationship before she got herself sorted with the very basics of accommodation of her own, and getting her children settled into a regular contact routine with both parents.

As all good parents would do.

ZoggyStirdust · 16/03/2025 17:13

NatureOverNightclubs · 15/03/2025 08:19

Yes it would. Living with your parents at that age is pathetic.

Op did it
was she pathetic or is it just men?

Mummytotheboy · 16/03/2025 17:04

HomeBodyClub · 15/03/2025 08:06

I know men who are in their 40s who have never even left home at all yet.. They have zero desire or motivation to move and that is a massive ick.

Ones who moved back for financial reasons after a break up wouldn’t faze me but I think they would need to be working towards a goal of moving back out.

Massive ick. I have a friend, he's late 40s has managed to father 3 children aged 7 to 25 and has a grandchild and as never left his parents house! He has a successful job, social life, is a good dad, a good friend, clever, funny literally the perfect man but he lives with his parents. They aren't frail old people either they are early 70s are equally full of life, active etc so it isn't a care issue it's just bloody weird. If you met him down the local you wouldn't think his mum still washes his pants! Also he can do all these things himself because he manages when they go away on month long cruises. And this isn't a reason he stays at home because they aren't hardly there he is still sleeping in a single bed in the bedroom he's slept in for nearly 50 years!

GotMarriedInCornwall · 16/03/2025 16:25

It can be so much harder for single men who do not have children living with them to afford to live independently.
Unless he’s earning a fantastic wage, it makes complete sense to live with his parents.
He’ll be paying child maintenance for his son and may well still be contributing to a mortgage on the marital home. He also won’t qualify for any help with housing (like many resident parents do). Living on your own is really expensive nowadays.

Poppyseeds79 · 15/03/2025 21:37

Thingymajigii · 15/03/2025 17:10

I'm curious - what kind of relationship breakdown wouldn’t be considered severe when it results in someone leaving their child in infancy? I can't think of many reasons a father would do that unless something quite serious was involved.

Also, I didn't say she threw him out - just that it was one possible explanation for why a 40-year-old man with a young child is back living with his mother (which seems like another likely scenario).

Show quote history

Where does it mentions the child's age? 🤔

OpheliaNightingale · 15/03/2025 20:58

@ritaBx I’d be more concerned that the ‘living with parents’ and ‘working away a lot’
was a cover for still in a relationship. Think about it..he can’t see you often due to being away for work, and best he comes to you (rather than you go to his) as too awkward living with parents.

TwoRobins · 15/03/2025 18:58

No, it wouldn't give me the ick. My own life hasn't followed the standard blueprint of life as regards order of life events, and I have been judged for it, which I think it makes me more understanding of people in unusual circumstances for their age.

JillMW · 15/03/2025 18:34

Call me a cynic but I might be worried he was still with his wife and staying at his parents when working away. Convenient then that it would be easier to meet at your home

Tgfh · 15/03/2025 17:45

OP, you sound like an incredible woman who has worked very very hard to rebuild herself and life and you are to be commended for it.

Do yourself a favour and commit to not living with anyone for the foreseeable future.
You have endured enough.

He sounds as if a woman with housing could be his priority.

See him if you wish, but keep your home completely off the table.

Date out of the house completely.
He doesn't sound as if he is muchbof a father, more like a selfish man who is looking to get his feet under the table.

The decking offer is not a good sign at all.
Keep being very very suspicious, nothing wrong with it.
Bet suspicious than naive, any day of the week.

Itsjustgonenoonhalfpastmonsoon · 15/03/2025 17:27

NewMrsF · 15/03/2025 14:27

My husband didn’t leave home until he was 30 and moving with me.
’on paper’ I was a bit 😬 as I pictured something completely different to the reality (which is a well rounded man with a healthy parental relationship and a lot of respect, who pays his way)
life is expensive now and I don’t know how any one can afford to live alone.
I know people who have only just left home at 40 because they wanted to buy a house rather than waste money on rent.
don’t let it put you off.

I left home eventually at 34 even though I had been itching to get out a lot sooner. I held on until I got a housing association flat. I would much rather pay rent for social housing than give it all to a money-grabbing landlord and line his pockets.

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