To think this daily essential should come out of joint money?

Toiletries for the use of one are personal so they don’t come out of joint money for us. Money is nowhere near tight for us but that is what we do. We use the shame shampoo and conditioner but stuff like moisturiser is personal. I just spent £78 on a pot of moisturiser and an eye cream so no way would I expect DH to sub that.

Our money is sorted out in quite a complex way, no joint pot as such but the way it’s done maximises overall the amount we have to save and invest and for tax efficiency. It’s a serious not sure hobby is the right word but it feels like that for us so adjustments and discussions don’t bother us. @DreamyRedNewt we know what has been spent down to a penny, everything on credit cards to maximise rewards, paid in full every month. A spreadsheet with outgoings, projected income earned and interest plus inflation can be added to change projections. Flags for when each financial product is due to mature so we can look in advance and search for the best rates.

If people don’t have much spare money then a joint pot and personal account is fair. If people do have spare money than they can to be more creative in how they maximise returns.

Im not well off (single parent) but i have essentials in the bathroom cupboard such as new toothbrushes, deodorant etc for my teenagers friends to help themselves to if they forget theirs whilst staying over. They are not expensive. I suppose moisturiser is a bit different. It does seem an unfair set up though and I would try and up your hours/ progress at work if I were you.

This is a crazy way to live OP.

Going against the grain here. I do think it's unreasonable to spend almost a third of the shop on your personal items. £19 out of £60 is a lot, and it sounds as though he looked at the receipt because of that, not as a standard thing?
I think you should probably change the standard agreement you have to pool everything and have the same amount of spending money (or proportion the spending money depending on income) provided you are both working full time and childcare is a joint expense and family responsibilities are shared 50/50.
Alternatively I would leave shopping to him from now on.

Agree - toiletries come out of family budget for us and the teens. Everyone is welcome to top up with favourite/treat items, but as far as we’re concerned it is an essential. What next OP? He does drink coffee and you do, so that shouldn’t come out of joint/family shop?

If he has always been like this I’d walk before you have kids as I see this could easily slip into financial abuse and coercive behaviours…

Mine is 60 and tried the mean shit with me once…
I earn more so pay all the household bills, mortgage, water, council tax etc.(I had the house before we met and the bills have always come out of my account) He pays for food shopping and bits we need through the week.
i gave DS some money from DH’s account to go out with his mates for food.
Well he kicked off, so he was told in future we’d split the bills 50/50 and he’d be much worse off. Funny enough he hadn’t said a word since 😂
Edited to add.. he also once complained about the amount I spent on food shopping (his account) I always buy fruit,veg,meat etc to actually make meals. He doesn’t drive so I drove him to the supermarket and said go on then, you do the shopping. He spent more than me and bought a trolley full of shite so we had to spend more the next day buying proper food! Again, not a dicky bird since!

@Cucywhere are you getting it from that face moisturiser and deodorant’s are a luxury for ‘the majority of households’ ?

First post nails it again . . .

Another reason I'm glad me and DH don't have a joint account. Ridiculous!

But you need to check receipts occasionally as you need to check you are not overcharged or deals fail to go through.

if our normal aldi shop was £60 I’d be thinking gosh what did we buy that was so expensive.

he may trust her yet be curious why it was so much higher -then he finds she is going against their agreement and including personal stuff. Without mentioning it on return from the shops. That does look sneaky. (Based on them agreeing this system)

I would also add, whatever traits men seem to have in their 20s/30s/40s will be magnified a hundred times by the time they are 50/60/70! Meanness is a very unattractive quality.

@BathLegeron was that from The Joy Luck Club? I recently rewatched it on the plane a few months ago and it sounds like a specific scene in the film.

This is really sad

I agree.

Part of the reason OP earns less is to do childcare. This should be taken into account. The person wholly able to focus on their career shouldn't get all the financial upside for that because the other person facilitates that.

On the one hand, at what point does it become personal? What if your favoured face cream were £100 a pot?

On the other hand, how ridiculously controlling. I think your dh is having a hard time feeling meaningful within the family, if you are the one doing almost all the childcare while he works away, so his main means of control is to comment on the cost of everything and to be seen to contribute more financially, eg, by everyone seeing that he’s the one paying for a meal out. You only being allowed to spend money on anything relating to yourself from your personal account is his way of reminding you that you earn less than him and “need” him to sustain the family life you want. It’s not a stance of mutual trust and respect, it’s a fear of loss of control or influence.

I think the problems run deeper that moisturiser. You need to properly discuss money.

I can’t imagine being moaned at for putting my 89p deodorant or any other care items in the supermarket shop, I often do, even my £6 shampoo (hardly expensive but not basic either). We have separate accounts but we regularly buy things for each other because it’s convenient at the time, doesn’t matter because all money is ours not mine or his, just no point in setting up a joint account these days as met later and no joint kids.

essentials, such as deodorant, shower gel & toothpaste come out of our joint pot but personally all my make up, skin care etc comes out of my personal spends. As it is not essential and can quickly add up. I know it’s all just one big pot at the end of the day but it works for us. DH likes fancy hair stuff so always buys that but hairspray we both us goes on the joint.

My husband would never go through receipts but I’m the one more in control of the finances. My husband went away with friends and because our joint card was his default Apple pay. All his metro/transport was put on the joint. I just said can you transfer the money back, no issue there. Maybe it’s not the same but he would have been the none the wiser, I checked the accounts.

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable.

I’d hate to be with someone like this. Sorry OP.

Good God 😳 I couldn't live with this level of nitpicking. It's just bizarre!

@SoScarletItWas I got that reference! 😂

The trouble is that on MN many people don’t understand that the majority of households have a budget and personal items are a luxury, especially if they are not the cheapest in the store.

Posters saying that they just have a joint account and can buy whatever they want from it, are not really in a position to comment because they don’t understand the situation.

I couldn't live like that.. it's deodorant and a moisturiser and going through a receipt, you're not a child .
It's just petty !!

This 💯 is not how a partnership should work or feel!