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AIBU?

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Original poster

Issue with DLA, shared care. AIBU?

37 replies

Heebeebee · 14/03/2025 19:03

I have a ds14 who I share with my ex, who I divorced when ds was 4. We have 50/50 custody.

Exh claims the child benefit. He has been 'main carer' simply because he stayed in our marital home and I found alternate lodgings. He has never given me a penny of the child benefit.

He has a wife who is due to have their first child in June.

DS has extra needs. He has a skeletal condition, genetic and inherited from me, sadly. Since he has been in puberty, he's been growing fast and he has been in some pain and having some mobility issues.

I wrote a text to exh, asking him if he would consider allowing me to claim child benefit when his new dd is born, so that I can then claim DLA for DS. I advised I would of course give him half of everything, as ds is with us both the same amount.

This is when he tells me he's been claiming DLA for ds for years, and has been "putting it away" for him. Obviously I have no way of knowing that. He won't tell me how much he's getting for him.

Ds needs new shoes, I want to get him very good ones with excellent support as its very important with his condition. I asked exh for the money for these shoes out of ds's DLA money. Ex has given me £35, refuses to give any more, said I should pay the other half as hes my son too. I've not challenged it as it's pointless and like arguing with a wall.

AIBU to contact DLA office and tell them that exh is saving the money and refusing to share with me or actually spend it on ds? Wwyd?

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 14/03/2025 22:09

He can't reasonably expect to keep the DLA and refuse to use it for items your son needs because of his disability. I think you should get legal advice as I'm pretty sure this also counts as financial controlling/abuse. He has the money, he shouldn't be demanding anything from you.

PandoraSox · 14/03/2025 22:08

x2boys · 14/03/2025 21:57

No they won't get into trouble but if Ds has significant savings this may well affect his entitlement to non means tested benefits he might be able to claim in his own right when he's an adult.

Show quote history

Means tested, not non-means tested benefits would be affected?

@Heebeebee your ex is being really unfair.

JengaTower124 · 14/03/2025 22:06

x2boys · 14/03/2025 22:04

I'm well aware of that i have been claiming it for over ten years for my son but at some point the Ops son will receive his savings.

Show quote history

Or not... If the OP's ex buys something directly instead of transferring the money, it will never affect any future benefits.

However, this isn't relevant to the OP.

x2boys · 14/03/2025 22:04

JengaTower124 · 14/03/2025 22:01

That's correct, but that's not what the person I quoted said.

There's also no rule stating that the money must be saved in an account under the child's name to prevent it from affecting future benefits.

In most cases, DLA is paid into a parent's account, where it can remain.

Show quote history

I'm well aware of that i have been claiming it for over ten years for my son but at some point the Ops son will receive his savings.

JengaTower124 · 14/03/2025 22:01

x2boys · 14/03/2025 21:57

No they won't get into trouble but if Ds has significant savings this may well affect his entitlement to non means tested benefits he might be able to claim in his own right when he's an adult.

Show quote history

That's correct, but that's not what the person I quoted said.

There's also no rule stating that the money must be saved in an account under the child's name to prevent it from affecting future benefits.

In most cases, DLA is paid into a parent's account, where it can remain.

Original poster
Heebeebee · 14/03/2025 22:00

SpringSoon25 · 14/03/2025 21:55

I had a DC receiving DLA, me ex & I shared 50:50. I claimed child benefit & DLA & sent my ex half every month. Surely this is the only fair way to do it.

Unfortunately, he's not a fair person and never has been

OP posts:
x2boys · 14/03/2025 21:57

JengaTower124 · 14/03/2025 21:52

That's not true, they wont get in trouble if they save it. There is absolutely nothing that says they cant save it for their child and use it at a different time.

DLA office will not care about who receives the DLA either, its for OP and her ex to sort out.

Edited
Show quote history

No they won't get into trouble but if Ds has significant savings this may well affect his entitlement to non means tested benefits he might be able to claim in his own right when he's an adult.

SpringSoon25 · 14/03/2025 21:55

I had a DC receiving DLA, me ex & I shared 50:50. I claimed child benefit & DLA & sent my ex half every month. Surely this is the only fair way to do it.

JengaTower124 · 14/03/2025 21:52

justkeepswimingswiming · 14/03/2025 21:43

DLA isn’t to save, it’s to use for the child’s needs. They can get into trouble for this, if he won’t share it 50/50 as rightly so if you have 50/50 custody then yes tell DLA.

That's not true, they wont get in trouble if they save it. There is absolutely nothing that says they cant save it for their child and use it at a different time.

DLA office will not care about who receives the DLA either, its for OP and her ex to sort out.

justkeepswimingswiming · 14/03/2025 21:43

DLA isn’t to save, it’s to use for the child’s needs. They can get into trouble for this, if he won’t share it 50/50 as rightly so if you have 50/50 custody then yes tell DLA.

Original poster
Heebeebee · 14/03/2025 21:34

Thanks so much. Yeah, that's the issue, that only one parent can claim. That's all well and good when both parents are reasonable but when one isn't, it's hard

OP posts:
Bradley28 · 14/03/2025 21:29

The DLA money is your son’s- not your ex's to decide to stash away (that’s if he does)- just because he claims it on behalf of your son. If your son lives with both of you 50/50, the DLA should be split 50/50, so you can both help him access whatever he may need. My daughter has always had DLA and it is much needed to help towards her increased living costs because of her level of need.
I don’t know where you stand with contacting the DLA office about this- or what, if anything, they can do about the current situation. Especially given that your ex partner is the primary caregiver.