To think that most people aren’t looking for love, they’re just terrified of being alone?

Right now, I would like someone to share life with. With the added bonus of sexual fulfilment.

I agree with this, but i do wonder why people stay when they in a bad relationship they can leave but choose not do

I know a number of people who are, as far as I can tell, in happy and fulfilling long term relationships. (To be fair I'm not one really to judge as all of my relationships have failed and I've now been single for ages because, frankly, I've been alone long enough that I'm very used to living life to suit me and my kids plus I genuinely cannot be arsed to accommodate someone else.)

Attraction and limerence are overwhelming in the early days of a relationship but what marks out the ones that last are, as far as I can see, mutual respect, affection, trust, consideration and above all else communication.

Of all the couples I know, the ‘happiest’ (and I’m not convinced they’re totally happy) is the couple that spends hardly any time together. They don’t have kids and live practically separate lives from one another. All the others are miserable as sin. Although you wouldn’t know it from their instagram posts.

I doubt many people would admit it even to themselves

The thing is, most of the time people don’t voice their fear of being alone for fear of being seen as needy or desperate.

I agree. I do not know one person who is in a happy relationship. They won’t leave as they can’t afford to, can’t face it, are lying to themselves etc.

I am single and have been for a short while. I’m trying to get so used to being single that if someone does show up, I won’t ‘settle’ for less as being alone will be my normal.

It hasn’t been easy, I have felt so lonely and sad at times but it’s getting much easier and I can’t wait until I just feel content with it. Won’t be long now.

I think most people won’t admit to themselves just how unhappy they are and how toxic their environments are. They bury their head in the sand when it’s plain as day to anyone observing.

I don't think it's fear of being alone, OP

I know people who would split from their spouses in a heartbeat if finances allowed, and I know couples who genuinely seem to love each other. More who would split than would stay together. Some of them will stay together until their children have passed their exams. Plenty who don't want to give up their house. Plenty of men who can't survive without a 'housewife'.

I only know of two women who are scared of being alone.

@Thepeopleversuswork

What's the taboo about being single

Like most things to do with people, the answer is "Some do; some don't."

Thinking about it there have been a few people I've met over the years who really were incredibly uncomfortable about being on their own, even for a week. They're the kind of people who would tend to have someone ready and waiting in the background in case their main relationship fell apart. But I always saw those kinds of people as the exception rather than the majority.

I agree to some extent. A lot of people do settle and live unhappily for the kids, financial reasons or just out of it being the norm. Leaving is too much of an upheaval and some people just won’t.
Some people are truly happy though!
And then some of us find their soulmate and leave them. Even though it means starting again.
So it’s not true in all cases.

I agree with this. We've literally evolved to form couplings with one another - this isn't driven by fear, it's entirely natural thing for humans to seek out, and just driven by our biology

I think that some people form relationships and attachments very easily (securely attached people) and others really struggle and fail to partner up with anyone.

That's my honest view. If you look at any of those shows of long term singles you usually find people who struggle with social skills or struggle to connect to one another.

I don't think most people settle tbh - you tend to grow more attached to someone the longer you're with them.

YABU. They are not scared of being alone, they only wish they could afford to be.

Which is why I wonder how many couples would survive a massive lottery win!

😂

When I was in my late teens and twenties I had a strong urge to find love. I wasn't afraid of being alone. I'm quite self-sufficient. But I felt that something was missing from my life and finding someone I loved and who loved me back felt important.

30 years later and after a number of failed relationships my opinion is much more fuck that for a game of soldiers.

From what I’ve read on MN, most are in relationships to either share living costs or quite to be financially subsidised.

I think the OP has a point too. Of course it’s not the whole story and there are many genuinely happy couples but I do think for a majority convenience, fear of being alone and the whole infrastructure of marriage is ultimately more important than spiritual and emotional compatibility.

Plus just the taboo around being single.

I think there’s a lot of ‘not great’ relationships out there. But I’d say the biggest driver is maintaining standard of living

I think this is true of some people yeah...........

Plenty of people stay in dead/average/basic/just OK marriages, when they no longer love their partner (possibly never really did) because it's easier than leaving. They rub along together OK, they have a companion, they share the trials of life and life's burdens, (and the finances,) and a problem shared is a problem halved etc. But yeah I think some people would have left some years ago if they had come into money/didn't need their partner to help them with finances.

This is why celebrity marriages break up so often, because when the rot sets in, or the boredom, or their partner cheats and the trust and respect has gone, they can leave and survive alone OK. Many women (especially those who have children) would struggle massively alone, and stay because it's easier than leaving, and they fear being alone. Ditto the men. They will also struggle as they will have to fork out to support the ex, and the children, as well as paying for his own bills and rent or mortgage.

But yeah, I do think some people want a partner simply because they want to be in a couple, and many don't really deeply love that person. I also think very few people experience really deep, true, romantic love, and some people have never been truly in love.

@Chickoletta · Today 19:08

This is not true in my experience, thankfully. I know many couples who genuinely adore each other and enhance each other’s lives.

With respect, you only see - in your couple friends and acquaintances - what they want you to see. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. For all you know, one of them might have had multiple affairs. Anything could be going on in the home that you don't know of.

Like many species, humans evolved to form pair-bonds. I don’t think submitting to this extremely powerful drive means people are scared or hate themselves.

I agree but I think it's a good thing if people decide to commit to a companionate marriage and support each other through life

So do I but I still think the OP has a point.

Yes, I think that’s probably true.