To think that most people aren’t looking for love, they’re just terrified of being alone?

I enjoyed being single, owning my own home, doing as I pleased. Then I met my husband. 36 years on, no intention of “dumping” him! .

I agree. There are some ridiculous matches out there, usually for some sort of gain rather than anything genuine. You’d be surprised what people can overlook and brush under the carpet for a house

Longtime partners become family (or almost). People don't tend to dump their close relatives lightly; people put up with annoying, difficult relatives because there is some sort of mysterious love that permeates such relationships, in spite of the obvious problems.

Some people are good at dumping and moving on. I guess a lot of modern self-help encourages this, but there is another side to that trend also.

I hope so too @Thepeopleversuswork but I also don’t want us to go the way of Japan and South Korea with a declining birth rate.

I think the reason so many women say it’s better being single is because very many men are not looking for a friend. They want a nurse, mother, maid or a free ride.

This. For a man, getting into a relationship with a woman who has her shit together is a no brainer.

She will organise things domestically. She will probably be a better cook and do more housework. She will provide emotional support and sex. These days she is quite likely also to be earning more than him. Increasingly marriage is less of a premium for such a woman so the commitment is more manageable. What’s not to like?

For a woman it’s less clear what the upside is. There are noble and notable exceptions but on average a man is less well organised, does far less domestic work, less life admin and is less good at organizing his social life. He may or may not be good at sex but he is more inclined to cheat.

Historically the killer app that a man brought to the table was money and financial security and this is still sometimes true but when they bring the money there are always strings attached ie they get to be “head of the household” and call the shots, the woman’s career gets downgraded etc.

This is a far less appealing proposition to a woman of today than a woman in the 1950s because a contemporary woman has far more choice.

I think women of today instinctively realise they are getting a poorer deal than they did in the past and are much happier to go it alone. Anyone who has cohabited with a man for any length of time knows that the downsides vastly outweigh the benefits.

I think it’s a weird hangover from the past which makes women feel they “need” a man. Hopefully it is dying out.

Yes to this... ^ Life is a lot easier with a partner. Single life for women is often celebrated on here, and some posters act like they're Bridget Jones or something, with a shiny apartment in London, a 6 figure a year career, lots of men fawning over them, a great social life, and a big circle of friends.

In reality, for many single women, life is difficult. A constant financial struggle, lonely evenings and nights in their home, no-one to share their everyday troubles and worries with, no-one to do hobbies with, no-one go on a day trip or holiday with (or out for meals, or to the cinema with.) And no-one to look after them when they're ill. Not every single woman has lots of friends, some have none, some have a couple of friends, but not really anyone they can fully rely on/depend on when the chips are down, and they really need support.

It's even harder for women with children. I have seen plenty of women (who are divorced/single/never married,) who have children/teenagers/young adult children who are NEETS, scrapping with others at work to get any additional hours they can get at work, for the extra money, purely to make ends meet. They are often on the bones of their arse. Kids are 18+ in some cases, and bringing no income in, and the father doesn't contribute because the children are legally adults.

Unless it's an abusive/toxic relationship, it's understandable why many women stay in relationships/marriages, even if they're a bit bored, and don't really love their partner. It's just a fact that in the vast majority of cases, that life is easier if you're in a couple/living together.

@Ddakji · Yesterday 21:18

The thing is, most of the time people don’t voice their fear of being alone for fear of being seen as needy or desperate.

This. ^

Not wanting to be single doesn't mean you dont like yourself. Wherever did you get that idea? People want to live as part of a couple for lots of reasons. They might want to raise children with another resident parent. They may have life goals that are only achievable with pooled resources. They may be tolerant of the flaws of another person if there are sufficient good points to balance them. They may see something in their partner not obvious to you that they love. They may simply be so tied into life with the other person, financially, practically and socially, that separation would cause more pain and trouble than it's worth. Liking oneself is entirely irrelevant. You might think yourself practically perfect in every way, but still want the external input from another person in your life.

Still a lot of pressure from society to be in a relationship

That’s a lovely way to describe a relationship.

that was basically what I’ve been looking for for years. Finally found it, but it took me until my 40’s

i think the reason so many women say it’s better being single is because very many men are not looking for a friend. They want a nurse, mother, maid or a free ride.

that’s the problem. I think it’s why so many women are happier being single. The guys who truly like women for who they are are few and far between.

Also, to add to my earlier point about biology - it's interesting that people always say others are terrified of being alone re relationships and staying single, but never around friendships.

A good, long-term relationship is basically having a best buddy around you all the time who you also get to have sex with. It's great - can't understand why some people are against relationships so much. If your partner is a dickhead just ditch them and get a nice/fun one

True

Not everyone yearns for a Claire & Jamie (Outlander) all consuming love affair that lasts a lifetime. I know one of my closest friends would have shuddered at the very thought of all that passion and intensity. She deliberately chose (not settled for) a calm, mutually beneficial marriage with a good man, and she was happily married for 20 years. She got exactly what she wanted.

Alternatively, I always wanted the love story. I met DH 34 years ago and I have never stopped falling in love with him. Yes, he can drive me up the wall at times, and he's far from perfect. But I'd give him my heart on a plate if he asked it of me, and I know that I'm never far from his thoughts. I got exactly what I wanted too.

The opposite of love isn't hate. The opposite of love is indifference.

This doesn’t surprise me and I’d say it’s common in couples that haven’t gotten to know themselves individually - and arnt lucky enough to be compatible and grow together.

In my friendship circle we are all very self confident and when our long term partners came into our lives it was important that they accepted us for who we were. I’ve noticed many people do settle before they are ready. At the same time, if you are happy, then it’s not an issue

I’m fine on my own been alone for nearly a decade but I definitely think life is better having a partner to share it with

I'm not scared to be alone, I like my own company. But I prefer to stay in my relationship. The only person I know who has told me they can't stand to be alone has not been in a relationship for 25 years. They have tons of friends instead which is great, but they still can't spend a day without seeing someone, which I think is sad.

I was not looking for love, I just happened to find it. Until then I was happily single, but I came to realise what I had been missing out on.

For a lot of people being single is still something they fear and feel ashamed of.

I don’t, but you must have encountered this surely?

This is true. I’m not sure there are many people who would rather actually spend time with anyone than no one.

i reckon it’s a combo of financial and social factors.

I think people stay together because they fear change. Don’t want to sell their home, don’t want to upend their family lives, friendship groups and social networks.

many like the social acceptance that comes with marriage and worry about what it would look like.

I’d agree with this in many cases.

maybe not slave but definitely a mother!

I think the infrastructure of being together is important for a lot of couples. I also think being 'happy enough' is underrated.

I'm in love with dp. Sometimes wish I wasn't if I'm honest, and at the moment id be better off financially as well (he has a good pension so that will change) but I reached a point where I longed for love and intimacy, so I went and found it. He makes my heart sing and I've never felt so cared for.

I think most women are or were looking for love. Most men are looking for a slave

I think you’ve oversimplified it, OP, but I get what you’re saying and I half agree with you.

I think wanting to share your life with someone meaningfully is very different from being ‘terrified of being alone’.

I also think that rather than fear of being alone it’s actually sunk cost fallacy and the inability/reluctance to let go of a projected vision of the future.

I don’t think simply ‘terrified of being alone’ covers it fully.

By the same token, a marriage could also far happier than you surmise.

I have been single for years - so long I don’t think I can even be bothered to date. I tend to walk from the opportunities that present themselves and loathe OLD so that’s that!