To think that most people aren’t looking for love, they’re just terrified of being alone?

ZingyJadePombear · 2025-03-14T18:59:43+00:00

Half of these “soulmates” would dump each other in a second if they actually liked themselves enough to be single.

Nowvoyager99 · 16/03/2025 20:55

I’m very single and absolutely love it. Will never live with a bloke again.

Of my close friends, I would say it’s 50/50. Yes, some openly say they couldn’t cope living as I do. They complain about their relationships but are scared of being alone.

The other half who are coupled up seem to have far healthier relationships where they could live alone, but are genuinely very happy with their partner.

I think mumsnet gives a slightly skewed vision as there are legions of women on here tolerating totally inadequate men in substandard relationships.

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/03/2025 20:49

madamweb · 16/03/2025 10:52

I love living alone, I was kind of annoyed when I met DH and really liked him

Same here. I far prefer living alone and generally dislike cohabiting. I now live with my DP (and DD) after seven years alone. If he wasn't so good domestically and so considerate (and also really enjoys time alone) I wouldn't have been able to tolerate him. As it was I really hesitant to move in together and waited nearly six years and even though it generally works well I still crave alone time.

I think everyone should have to live alone for a period of time. It's good for you in so many ways.

ladymammalade · 16/03/2025 10:59

BatchCookBabe · 14/03/2025 19:22

I think this is true of some people yeah...........

Plenty of people stay in dead/average/basic/just OK marriages, when they no longer love their partner (possibly never really did) because it's easier than leaving. They rub along together OK, they have a companion, they share the trials of life and life's burdens, (and the finances,) and a problem shared is a problem halved etc. But yeah I think some people would have left some years ago if they had come into money/didn't need their partner to help them with finances.

This is why celebrity marriages break up so often, because when the rot sets in, or the boredom, or their partner cheats and the trust and respect has gone, they can leave and survive alone OK. Many women (especially those who have children) would struggle massively alone, and stay because it's easier than leaving, and they fear being alone. Ditto the men. They will also struggle as they will have to fork out to support the ex, and the children, as well as paying for his own bills and rent or mortgage.

But yeah, I do think some people want a partner simply because they want to be in a couple, and many don't really deeply love that person. I also think very few people experience really deep, true, romantic love, and some people have never been truly in love.

@Chickoletta · Today 19:08

This is not true in my experience, thankfully. I know many couples who genuinely adore each other and enhance each other’s lives.

With respect, you only see - in your couple friends and acquaintances - what they want you to see. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. For all you know, one of them might have had multiple affairs. Anything could be going on in the home that you don't know of.

You’re not wrong - many people would look at our marriage from the outside and think we are adoring soulmates (in fact someone said as much to me the other day).

In fact, we’ve just made a decision to stay together for companionship/practical reasons. We don’t really argue, we have a lot in common but there is no intimacy or adoration left in our marriage.

I have plenty of friends in our age group in similar situations too. Sometimes I wonder if I’m missing out on something better, and I also wonder if he would be happier with someone else but he’s adamant he wants to stick together.

It would be taking a big risk to throw it all away and end up alone anyway.

madamweb · 16/03/2025 10:52

I love living alone, I was kind of annoyed when I met DH and really liked him

TwistedWonder · 16/03/2025 10:51

I’ve found the older you get, the more comfortable you are with being on your own and hence why so many older, divorced of widowed women have absolutely no desire to get into another relationship and even those who do, many have zero interest in cohabiting .

When we’re younger, the want yo have kids is a strong urge to find a partner however once the child rearing days are over, the need for a partner is in many cases financial and/or not wanting to rock the boat.

Tbrh · 16/03/2025 10:46

JHound · 14/03/2025 19:05

I do wonder how many people would remain in their current relationship if they won the lottery / never wanted kids….

This 💯

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/03/2025 10:30

@BatchCookBabe

This. Those ridiculous outdated stereotypes from were ludicrous!^

Sorry if you think its ludicrous but its completely true. There's tons and tons of data to support it.

www.ippr.org/media-office/eight-out-of-ten-married-women-do-more-housework-than-their-husbands#:~:text=IPPR%20analysis%20shows%20that%20eight,do%2013%20hours%20or%20more.

JHound · 15/03/2025 21:24

BatchCookBabe · 15/03/2025 12:37

This. ^ Those ridiculous outdated stereotypes from @Thepeopleversuswork were ludicrous!

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They aren’t outdated stereotypes. All the data shows that women do the lion’s share of domestic and emotional labour in heterosexual pairings, have less free time and do more childcare.

Obviously not all relationships are like that but a lot of the women who “prefer to be single” simply prefer to avoid that dynamic.

JHound · 15/03/2025 21:19

@Thepeopleversuswork

“She will organise things domestically. She will probably be a better cook and do more housework. She will provide emotional support and sex. These days she is quite likely also to be earning more than him. Increasingly marriage is less of a premium for such a woman so the commitment is more manageable. What’s not to like?
For a woman it’s less clear what the upside is. There are noble and notable exceptions but on average a man is less well organised, does far less domestic work, less life admin and is less good at organizing his social life. He may or may not be good at sex but he is more inclined to cheat.”

Which is why I always says a good partnership makes like better - but if you are a woman who does not want to parent your partner - does want to take on the domestic load and emotional labour load - your options for partnering are fairly slim

JHound · 15/03/2025 21:14

@BatchCookBabe

no-one to share their everyday troubles and worries with, no-one to do hobbies with, no-one go on a day trip or holiday with (or out for meals, or to the cinema with.)

I share everyday troubles with friends and family most do the other stuff with friends or solo. I love solo travel!

I deffo think life is better in a good partnership I just don’t think there aren’t that many on offer. And not everybody has an issue doing the things you mentioned alone.

Penko25 · 15/03/2025 21:13

There are a lot of perks to having a partner or companion though, so I think it makes sense to feel wary of being alone forever. I was happy being single in my 30’s and enjoyed my life, but wouldn’t want that in my 60’s, 70’s etc. I want someone to enjoy everyday life with.

JHound · 15/03/2025 21:10

Catastrophejane · 15/03/2025 10:04

That’s a lovely way to describe a relationship.

that was basically what I’ve been looking for for years. Finally found it, but it took me until my 40’s

i think the reason so many women say it’s better being single is because very many men are not looking for a friend. They want a nurse, mother, maid or a free ride.

that’s the problem. I think it’s why so many women are happier being single. The guys who truly like women for who they are are few and far between.

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This - 100% this!

JHound · 15/03/2025 21:08

MsCactus · 15/03/2025 09:33

Also, to add to my earlier point about biology - it's interesting that people always say others are terrified of being alone re relationships and staying single, but never around friendships.

A good, long-term relationship is basically having a best buddy around you all the time who you also get to have sex with. It's great - can't understand why some people are against relationships so much. If your partner is a dickhead just ditch them and get a nice/fun one

I wouldn’t want my best buddies around me all the time and have zero interest in having sex with anybody.

JHound · 15/03/2025 21:05

icelolly12 · 14/03/2025 22:01

I think most women are or were looking for love. Most men are looking for a slave

It’s depressing how frequently I hear a man describe their dream partner or what they love about their current partner…and it’s basically a bangmaid

ginasevern · 15/03/2025 15:40

I think a lot of long time married people can drift apart especially after most goals have been met (mortgage paid off, children grown, new kitchen fitted!) but the alternative is understandably scary as fuck. Who wants to leave an OK'ish set up to face the unknown. As a widow I've discovered the true meaning of loneliness. Sometimes OK really is OK.

Catastrophejane · 15/03/2025 13:47

gannett · 15/03/2025 11:46

I feel like anyone who really enters into marriage based on those corny old stereotypes of what men and women are like deserves whatever mediocrity they get. Literally the only reasons to enter into a relationship is because you enjoy someone else's company, there's sexual chemistry and they enhance your life.

(DP is more organised, more domestic and a better cook than me. Sex isn't something we "provide" to each other but something we both enjoy. We earn roughly similar amounts and the slight higher earner has always fluctuated.)

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I think that’s pretty harsh. And you haven’t even realised your privilege.

I think lots of people go into relationships with starry eyed ideals of finding a soulmate and many end up disappointed. But when you’ve built a life with someone and your financial security and standard of living is dependent on it - it can be very hard to leave an ‘ok - ish’ relationship.

my tick list for a relationship was friendship, sexual chemistry and shared values. I’ve finally got that in my DP, but it didn’t happen easily and I had to kiss a lot of frogs. I was very fortunate to always have been in a position to walk away from a bad marriage. Not everyone has that luxury and it came at a high cost to me ( albeit one I had to take)

Kitchensinktoday · 15/03/2025 12:57

Almostwelsh · 15/03/2025 12:49

Being alone can be a bit shit. We are a social species and loneliness is a killer.

Not everyone has a busy social circle and a lot of socialising costs money when you're already counting the cost of living alone.

Media currently pushes the idea that it's great to be alone, but the reality for many people is that it can get difficult and that doesn't mean they hate themselves.

So true

Almostwelsh · 15/03/2025 12:49

Being alone can be a bit shit. We are a social species and loneliness is a killer.

Not everyone has a busy social circle and a lot of socialising costs money when you're already counting the cost of living alone.

Media currently pushes the idea that it's great to be alone, but the reality for many people is that it can get difficult and that doesn't mean they hate themselves.

BatchCookBabe · 15/03/2025 12:37

gannett · 15/03/2025 11:46

I feel like anyone who really enters into marriage based on those corny old stereotypes of what men and women are like deserves whatever mediocrity they get. Literally the only reasons to enter into a relationship is because you enjoy someone else's company, there's sexual chemistry and they enhance your life.

(DP is more organised, more domestic and a better cook than me. Sex isn't something we "provide" to each other but something we both enjoy. We earn roughly similar amounts and the slight higher earner has always fluctuated.)

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This. ^ Those ridiculous outdated stereotypes from @Thepeopleversuswork were ludicrous!

Moier · 15/03/2025 12:20

I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person and have been for the last 20 years.. l have a very loving close family.. plenty of friends of both sexes.. I'm definitely not lonely.. love my own company.

GoldStar2 · 15/03/2025 12:13

It’s hard to separate these things (settling vs being alone) as humans are as a species social, sexual and relationship-seekers by design.

Ddakji · 15/03/2025 12:08

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/03/2025 12:02

@Ddakji

Even if you accept that a falling birth rate is a concern (and personally I don’t), why should it be up to women to shoulder the burden of accepting shit relationships to satisfy some pronatalist agenda?

Edited

Oh, I don’t. I would like men to step up.

I’m just observing one worrying end result. But I don’t think women should just suck it up!

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/03/2025 12:07

@gannett

I feel like anyone who really enters into marriage based on those corny old stereotypes of what men and women are like deserves whatever mediocrity they get.

Yes but most people do. That’s the point. There are always plenty of examples on here of people in progressive and equal marriages but these are still a minority on a national scale.

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/03/2025 12:02

@Ddakji

Even if you accept that a falling birth rate is a concern (and personally I don’t), why should it be up to women to shoulder the burden of accepting shit relationships to satisfy some pronatalist agenda?

gannett · 15/03/2025 11:46

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/03/2025 10:40

I think the reason so many women say it’s better being single is because very many men are not looking for a friend. They want a nurse, mother, maid or a free ride.

This. For a man, getting into a relationship with a woman who has her shit together is a no brainer.

She will organise things domestically. She will probably be a better cook and do more housework. She will provide emotional support and sex. These days she is quite likely also to be earning more than him. Increasingly marriage is less of a premium for such a woman so the commitment is more manageable. What’s not to like?

For a woman it’s less clear what the upside is. There are noble and notable exceptions but on average a man is less well organised, does far less domestic work, less life admin and is less good at organizing his social life. He may or may not be good at sex but he is more inclined to cheat.

Historically the killer app that a man brought to the table was money and financial security and this is still sometimes true but when they bring the money there are always strings attached ie they get to be “head of the household” and call the shots, the woman’s career gets downgraded etc.

This is a far less appealing proposition to a woman of today than a woman in the 1950s because a contemporary woman has far more choice.

I think women of today instinctively realise they are getting a poorer deal than they did in the past and are much happier to go it alone. Anyone who has cohabited with a man for any length of time knows that the downsides vastly outweigh the benefits.

I think it’s a weird hangover from the past which makes women feel they “need” a man. Hopefully it is dying out.

I feel like anyone who really enters into marriage based on those corny old stereotypes of what men and women are like deserves whatever mediocrity they get. Literally the only reasons to enter into a relationship is because you enjoy someone else's company, there's sexual chemistry and they enhance your life.

(DP is more organised, more domestic and a better cook than me. Sex isn't something we "provide" to each other but something we both enjoy. We earn roughly similar amounts and the slight higher earner has always fluctuated.)