To be honest?

I am so sorry that your dear brother is in a MH facility, and that you feel you will be isolated from the rest of the congregation.

Would it be more appropriate to ask your grandfather to stay with you and your brother at the end of the service, so the three of you can just be in the moment, together with your grandmother and out of earshot of everyone else, to pay your respects? Is that even an option? Depending on whether it’s a crematorium or church / graveyard might determine if this would be practical. Do you have a partner who can take care of your children if this could happen, or would they perhaps want to be with you if you can manage to have 5-10 minutes alone with your grandfather?

'Motherly figure' and 'our greatest source' reads as too much of a dig, OP. Keep it simple and loving, as per the rest of your words. A funeral is NOT the time for 'your truth'.

If your essential stance is solid in that GM was your caregiver, then that will be implicit. The word “mother” can be off the table, as you had an absent mother.

Ie ” our gm made us what we are today, making us feel safe and loved and held, day by day”

I would refer to her as “like a second mother” instead of “your motherly figure”, and just a “great source of love” rather than “the greatest”. You could say how grateful you are to everything she did for you too?

These are still true statements that honour the special role your grandmother had in your life, but are also statements that could be said by someone who has a great relationship with their mother and can’t be reasonably interpreted as diminishing your birth mother’s role (accepting that might be a valid thing to do at another time and place!)

@SpeakFromTheHeart sounds like a nightmare tbh full of landmines. It is so awful that a time of remembrance, love and contemplation is often hijacked by drama, it is so inappropriate. Your DGD will be there for you and Im sure his friends/family will also support you, they must know the situation.

I think this a rare case that you should keep posting your ideas on here so we can help you.

You need to take all the subtext out, but it's difficult for you because you are so close to it.

Just write what you and your brother felt about your grandmother, imagine your mum doesn't exist.

As I know from experience a funeral is the wrong time to reveal your true feelings about the living.

This ^^ Don't use the words 'motherly figure' as that could be seen as having a dig at your actual Mother. But the nurturing influence and constant grounding presence hits the nail on the head without actually saying she was practically our Mum.

I think if you say she’s a motherly figure it’ll upset your mum. I’m sure there will be other wording to say how much she meant x

This is perfect

Yes the fact you can feel it already. Do t forget you want to be there without worry

I think if you suspect your mother will take offense you have to options prepare for it and say exactly what you want in remembrance of your grandmother or remove direct references to where she has taken the role your mother should have done, your mother may still get offended but it will be harder. You can still say your grandmother was your guiding figure, maybe remove the motherly bit and greatest source,

I would change it to “she was a source of” and take out motherly figure because it implies there wasn’t one which may be true but it’s not the place to point it out as everybody is grieving

i just had to do this for my husband and it’s best to be very neutral

this is the only occasion I would do that!

Do you have an idea of how many people will be at the funeral?

Maybe 'X was more to us than a Grandma. When we were with her we felt safe, loved and supported. She taught us what it means to be strong, to love deeply, and to care for others with an open heart. We will miss her more than we will ever be able to express.'

Yes I went to my GMA's funeral to support gdad. Could you gdad and brother do something nice together day before to remember her. Maybe plant a rose bush or something she would have liked. It is then nothing to do with mum x dysfunctional families are a nightmare to navigate.

Op im very sorry for your loss. It's very considerate of you to want to spare your mother's feelings even though she hasn't been supportive of you. It sounds like your grandparents have done exactly what you said, I.e. to care with an open heart.

Having said that I think your message is actually quite controversial. I mean, if you don't want to cause offense to your mother I would take out or rewrite rhe first 2 lines as they state quite pointedly that your grandmother did more for you than your mother. You could just change "greatest support" to "great support" (even if "greatest" is more accurate).

I would maybe say something like “she was the nurturing influence/the constant grounding presence in our life” or something like that rather than our motherly figure. But tbh I’m not sure I’d be arsed about upsetting your dm anyway. She sounds crap.

I would just say how you felt about your grandmother without saying anything negative, eg take out 'motherly figure' which is a judgement on your birth mother. Keep it absolutely factual- say what she meant to you, what she gave you and how you loved her but without referencing anyone else, or any implied reference.

When you think about it 'mother' doesn't necessarily mean loving, giving, nurturing. Mother just means a person gave birth to you.

I was also brought up by my grandparents, my mother didn't or couldn't want me. I think funerals should be about the truth about the dead, but not necessarily about the living who are sitting there listening

No advice I'm afraid. I was VLC with my mum, when grandad (father's side, who we all loved) died, it was all about her, she planned THE most extravagant funeral, I didn't go because she hadn't spoken to him in years! He would have hated it, other than everyone having a pint of Guinness.
I refused to join in her theatrical state funeral production and my poor father when he got the invoices nearly died himself. No one has ever mentioned my not being there and as most people invited didn't know me I didn't care
My grandad certainly would have supported my not going. How we grieve is up to us. I would rather fond memories than witness a charade.
Not going is an option and she is likely to take offence whatever you do.

It's fine to focus on what she did for you. As long as the theme is "what DGM did right" (which I'm sure is your intention) and doesn't become "what DM did wrong" there is no problem.