To think that if you’re over 30 and still blaming your parents for everything, it’s time to grow up?

@DenimHare - I think that’s an over-simplistic view. Trauma is deeply rooted and it can take years before you actually realise that your experience was not normal and unpack everything. As a result it’s very common to have responses that are result of trauma well into your 30s. Not all trauma is the same and the ability to handle is also not the same.

I think you dropped this:

"Some people have yet to connect the dots between the way they act, think and feel and their childhood."

Very true indeed @Daisyvodka

I'm still doing it into my late sixties.

I'm sorry @DenimHare ,I guess I must be a little slow of thinking😕

And you know this how? Your tone is revolting, by the way.

Well, it's definitely time to get therapy. Parents can do a lot of damage but it is up to you to properly resolve it through therapy if it impacts your life and choices.

@TheBunnyLover I hope you can realise your worth one day and that was about them (parent),not you.

Exactly. Most (not all I know) of us do our best. And still get it wrong.

I don't 'blame' as such but I'm aware that my formative years shaped the person that I am. My lack of boundaries in relationships due to growing up with a parent who hated me and 'knowing' I was nothing- you cant negate that very easily. Formative years are very important. I have to check myself with situations with people very often even in small occurrences such as being asked to do someone a favour or lend money or go somewhere I don't want-i naturally think 'but this person won't like me if I don't do that thing!'

I have to concentrate to process that I don't have to, I matter as much as them, it doesn't matter if they don't like me etc etc. Because naturally I don't matter and I HAVE TO! do the thing. If that makes sense.

Translate into intimate partnerships and naturally I'll put up with anything because they are important and I'm not.
I naturally think I'm stupid too-Im not, I'm very academic-but I never applied myself because my childhood was all about survival, I didn't develop properly and I had no idea who I actually was, because I'd been taught I was nothing.

Again, I don't 'blame' but nor can I shift that without a lot of processing constantly.

I was physically and mentally abused by my parents but I bottled it up told no one . It was only when I had my children in my 30's that I opened that Pandora's box. I still don't tell people but I do blame my parents for the (diagnosed) CPTSD I live with.

I sometimes wonder what choices I’ve made in the belief that they were the right ones at the time, that my child might think quite differently of in the future.

I think some people have horrific childhoods that scar them for life. Others have very challenging upbringings that lead to difficulties with certain aspects of adult life. However there also appears to be a bit of a trend for picking over the minutiae of parental behaviour, highlighting every error or flaw and using it assume a victim status that is often exaggerated and unhelpful.

She's 54. I knew her parents very well. They were neither shopaholics nor skinflints. Pretty normal. I think some things you need to take responsibility for.

Well the trauma would still be your parents fault but you would be responsible for not seeking therapy/working on healing.

So you're making totally different mistakes. Have no doubt, you kids will claim damage of some type. Do you want to pay for it, forever? Because that is the example you're setting your children.

I do think attitudes and impulses regarding money are hugely formed in childhood. It can be changed, but it's quite like personality and morals where it is very much shaped in childhood.

Exactly. If you're 50 and still bringing it up with your mum/dad, it's a bit sad.

And we seem to be very prone as a generation to NOT consider that our kids will have equal complaints/problems about their upbringing that we have with our parents.

I don't blame my parents for their lack of parenting but I struggle to feel connected now to my much older siblings as they were too busy living their lives and pretty much ignored me too. Now they're older and need me to help them it just doesn't come to me as second nature to do so.
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Agreed. There shouldn't be an arbitrary age on it as the OP has stated though

If i was physically abusive to my children, mentally tortured them and starved them then I absolutely wouldn't expect them to be "over it" by a set age.

What happened to me was not my fault.

But dealing with it now is my responsibility.

No, we've just done things completely differently from our parents.

It doesn't really matter how awful your parents were at some point you need to say that was then and this is now. I can let my past ruin my life or I can choose to move on and make a successful life. So yes I totally agree. It can be done.

I think long term effects are possible. I have an inability to form attachments due to loss of family through death, divorce and abuse. But blame is different. Move on. Grow up. It's who I am now.

The damage is just part of you. We all have damage. Either leave the blame in the past or give up on the relationship. Beating parents/family around the head with it verbally/behaviourally forever is a bit pathetic as an older (e.g. over 30) adult.

I agree that there are some people out there who are always looking to blame someone else for their issues/life outcome rather than taking responsibility themselves.

However I am not sure responsibility for giving your kids an awful childhood has an expiry date. Some people suffer absolutely awful trauma as a consequence of their parents behaviour during their childhood. Maybe think about that rather than just sweeping generalisations.