To think that if you’re over 30 and still blaming your parents for everything, it’s time to grow up?

It's your writing style that I find revolting, not the making of mistakes.

I have an excellent relationship with my sons, they are now 15 and 17 and we discuss this exact matter regularly. They have seen the effects of an abusive childhood first hand and I frequently consult them about their feelings. I won't have got everything right, but I haven't starved them, criticised their weight daily, left them without clothes or underwear, stopped them from heating water to wash with, hit them on a regular basis or condoned the 50+ year old neighbour grooming them and sexually abusing them. I take an interest in their education and encourage them rather than calling them stupid. They have done whatever extra curricular took their fancy rather than having things cancelled because their parent couldn't see the point of it, even if I enjoyed it. I also haven't married a man twice my age or forced them into being a young carer before they left primary school. And there's a whole raft of things that I had to deal with that I haven't included here.

So, yes I've probably made mistakes, but none so far that the kids have mentioned and I frequently ask them their thoughts, telling them that I don't want them to think about me in the same way I thought of their granny. I have broken the cycle of crap parenting and I'm bloody proud of myself for that. It may be too late for me buy I intend to make damn sure my lkids know they're loved, supported and I have their backs for life.

I think that the majority of us were raised in a time of relative stability and prosperity, so that it's easier to scrutinise our parents decision making.

But equally many of our parents had us before they were 30 and when they were still adjusting to being adults and processing the behaviour and decisions of their own parents.

I’m 50 with postgrad qualifications and a good career and I can still hear my mothers voice in my head telling me I’m not pretty enough, not slim enough, that no boy would fancy me, that I’m nothing special and why are my friends calling me - don’t they have their own family to talk to. Then when I was in an abusive relationship with my then husband it was all about how she felt sorry for him having to live with me, how I’m useless and not a proper woman because I couldn’t have kids. She’s been dead for over a decade but that voice is still there when I’m feeling vulnerable - like now after the vitriol I’ve read about NHSE staff (I’m one of them) in the last couple of days. If I was more robust I’d be able to shake off the feelings that I’m useless, incompetent, waste of money etc and acknowledge what people tell me. But I can’t. It’s the same with relationships now. As soon as I meet someone I find attractive, as happened recently, and who friends say feels the same way about me, instead of believing them I near her voice again telling me that why would a man like that (good looking, academic, professional) fancy me.
I knkw it’s my responsibility to deal with it, and I do and I don’t burden my friends with these thoughts and am not needy or anything, but they are there. Always.

Ah that old chestnut. Well done on recognising their behaviour. Shame other parent hasn't.

This is an interesting one to me as I was an OW child who has grown into an adult who thinks a great deal more about food and weight than I should. This is directly as a result of the misery I suffered as an OW child. My mother never ever made my weight an issue. She didn't need to. The other kids and society in general taught me it was something to be ashamed of. If I'm honest, I think she should have addressed it, but had she done so I could equally have blamed my preoccupation with weight on her restricting my food and 'fat shaming' me. Where weight is concerned any parental approach leaves you wide open to criticism, when in reality, parental influence is just one part of the many messages we recieve that form our attitude to food and our bodies.

I think it depends but is certainly possible.

If you grew up with parents that resolved conflict by screaming at eachother, it may only be in your 30s once you're married and possibly have kids watching your behaviour you realise how wrong that is and decide to change.

I think some issues should be let go of "if my mum had let me play football more, I'd be Ronaldo" once you're in your 30s. But I do think "nurture" has a lot to answer for.

I met my husband when he was 29 (I was 26) and he'd revert back to being a teenager around his parents doing everything they wanted so I can see it happening with more severe issues well into peoples 30s. His dad actually was really receptive to polite push back or alternative suggestions and it shocked my husband that he was and their relationship is better for it. It was so ingrained in him from childhood that "what dad said, goes" even when financially his dad wasn't in control of the situation at hand. His dad always overly pressured him when he was younger to be a certain way and it took for us to meet (in his 30s mostly) for him to recognise he wasn't being authentic to himself and is now comfortable in his own skin and we have a great relationship with his parents, which includes boundaries. I don't think it's so black and white.

The saying 'It takes the rest of your life to get over your childhood' is unfortunately very true for a lot of people.

Also, why 30? Is that the magic age to get over severe neglect? I wish I'd know that, I'd have grown up and got over it 30 years ago 🙄

This, exactly. By the time I'd battled through my childhood, teens and twenties which were awful, I was full on into getting married and having babies, and then when I was about 45 I started to take stock. I had some counselling which confirmed that what I had experienced was very far from normal and that's when I started to rage internally at the way I had been abused. I was also very sad, because I was such a lovely little girl who just loved education and animals and things could have been so different if I'd had normal parents.

I'm 52 now. I'm too old to rewrite my life but I do now realise that I actually have some worth. Both my parents are dead so there's noone to be angry with, but I am furious at some of the positions I was put in and the things they did and said to me even now. I am perfectly entitled to feel like this - noone gets to dictate how long damage lasts and I'll probably take this anger to my grave.

To an extent

My mum and sd were really awful to me.I focus on dealing with that but not using it to justify behaving like a twat now I'm in my 30s

I still behave like a reasonable adult, treat people with respect, try to be a decent mum etc, whilst dealing with the trauma

I feel like if someone was a complete dick and just shitty, and then tried blaming their parents, I'd tell them to grow up

It really depends on the parents and what they did but I can tell by your comment that you had good ones.

Have you read much of the relationship forum? People who are 30+ don’t always accept that they were abused and still being abused by their parents. They tell their story and seem genuinely shocked when people don’t say that they are awful daughters to their parents but the opposite. Or they miss their parents when they are horrible people who shouldn’t have the privilege of contact with their child, spouse and grandchildren. Assuming that people who are 30+ aren’t being abused by their parents because they don’t live at home is simplistic and proof that your parents are good and didn’t abuse you. A common thread is a poster talking about their sibling and sibling’s children being the favoured ones. The poster is old enough to act on that info but it is understandable that they complain about their child being less favoured status because they are. That’s a difficult one to overcome too- especially if unaware of the reality until well into parenthood.

I suspect that you can’t heal from some traumas. I’m giving an extreme one here but if my parent drunk drove (acceptable in the past ) and killed my other parent or a loved sibling then I’d expect to feel that loss as well as mixed feelings towards the other parent indefinitely. If that parent was like my mum and unable to discuss emotions and be truthful, it would be even harder to move on.

If you mean something silly like they didn’t buy a new car for a 17th birthday when they were rich and the teen had to save themself then obviously that person needs to get over themselves.

Often "growing up" involves recognising the damage or impact that your childhood had on you, and finding a way to live with that.

How was your childhood op?

Define "blame the parents". I absolutely recognise that my parents had very questionable judgements. One was an abusive alcoholic, the other one was oblivious to the violence I experienced at their hands. I am recognising that these experiences shape my understanding of the world and how I relate to others. Do they explain every choice I make in my life? Absolutely not. But you can't deny that my parents shaped my personality as did yours.

I have a DN in her 40s who blames her parents for everything that is wrong in her life, despite them still providing both child care and financially where the NRP of her DC don't. Her reasoning (and her mad therapist agrees apparently), she had such an idyllic childhood and were such great parents, especially her DF that they gave her unreal expectations of life (and men). It seems you can't win.
In DN's situation I agree. One of my closest friends suffered years of CSA, that shit never goes away.

@Punishmentforthis my thoughts exactly.

I had a difficult childhood and carried a fair amount of baggage from that into adulthood however I agree there does come a point when you have let go and move forward if you want to have a fulfilling life and relationships. Medication, talking therapy and a lot of self care got me there but also some tough love from those around me saying at some point you have to stop blaming the past and take control. That said its not easy and the recipient of the advice may not be ready to hear it.

Nice first post by @DenimHare, not at all goady and ignorant.
Personality disorders can be caused at least in part by abusive and neglectful childhoods.
Some people spend their whole lives fighting to survive the effects of their childhoods.

Actually, my tone is matter of face and to the point.

You have a fixed position. My parents wrong. Me right.

You are not your children. You will make mistakes. It's human. Nothing revolting about that. If you find it revolting, possibly a consideration of why human error is so triggering could be useful?

I agree to a point. Many people experienced things in their childhood that they just can’t get over. I think that as an adult it is your responsibility to deal with those feelings in an appropriate way.

To the poster that said about being prepared for our children to blame us, I am. I’ve promised to always tell the truth (my own parents deny certain things happened) and I will always be accountable. This would have made the world of difference to me. I’m hoping to break the cycle in my family.

Thank you. I appreciate that. I'm LC with said parent now (not NC as I'm close to other parent and they remain married) but not because of me, because parent isn't speaking to me because our poor relationship since I was very young apparently has ruined their life.. ..

I only became aware of having trauma from my childhood when having marriage counselling. I was closer to 50 by that point. Previously, I knew my parents weren't great emotionally, but had never got as far as seeing it as abusive, because my physical needs were always met. When you have no frame of reference for normal, it doesn't matter what age you are when you recognise that your normal wasn't isn't actually normal.

I'd put it like this:

Some people suffering horrendous, life-changing trauma as a result of the way they were parented. Poor parenting can destroy lives. It's totally legitimate to feel you were let down by your parents or that you are suffering as a result of the way they brought you up. It's understandable that you will not simply shake this off because you turn 30 (or another arbitrary age).

But there does come a point where the onus is on you as a adult to take responsibility for managing this and moving past it.

Yes you may suffer the scars of a bad upbringing for the rest of your life but you have a responsibility at some point to stop making it everyone else's problem.

Real life case study: I have a much older half-brother who is (justifiably) still angry about the fallout from my father leaving his mother which happened in the late 1960s. My father behaved appallingly and his anger is justified. But the output of this is that he blames me and my sister who at the time weren't born for this and is still foul to us and acts out at social events, sends odd and rude communications to us about our father. He's in his early 60s.

Is it reasonable for him to remain angry with our father? Yes.

Is it reasonable for him to act out on two people who at the time this happened were not even conceived? No. That's something he needs to own and deal with.

YANBU in some ways.

You still hear people in their 40s blaming the fact they're overweight on their parents, because they 'made them eat everything on their plate' when they were kids, despite the fact they've been feeding themselves longer than their parents ever did.

I expect future overweight MNetters will blame the parents of today for their weight problems, because 'they always met them at the school gate with snacks and they were never allowed to feel hunger'.

How simplistic...

Some kids grow up in horribly abusive and violent households.

Being in that type of environment when your mind is developing has some deep and lasting consequences.

Gaslighting people who have been through this type of childhood is not going to make them any less affected by it.

OP sounds nice