My co-parent threatening to stop me seeing my 4 year old daughter after I said I was looking to change rear-facing car seat in my car to front facing.

So you don't really give a shit about the issues other than wanting to use them in a they do this tit for tat.

Your poor child.

My very tall 4 year old still RFs. Obviously it’s not a legal requirement and not something to stop someone seeing their child over but I get why she’d have an issue with it. The rest of the stuff it sounds like you are not actually taking any steps to improve your daughters living situation and are just using it as a way of insulting the coparent. It’s your job as a parent to make sure she is safe and well cared for even when not in your care.

As someone whose kids were pre the current rear facing advice I still can't picture where their legs go. How wide is the chair if they can fit in it cross legged. Surely that's bad for circulation if on a longer journey?

She has a cleaner for 10 hours a week. Unless she lives in a sprawling mansion, there's no way it's as messy and dirty as he's claiming.

Is your child comfortable in their rear facing seat? Are they sick and committing or are you looking for any excuse? Rear facing is safer for everyone and if your child has no issues up on to this point, why change what’s work. FF at 4 years is legal, heck even from 9 months but legal doesn’t mean safer. Good luck doing what’s best for your child and not fighting the spouse.

He just sticks his legs straight out and rests his feet on the seat (so the seat takes a battering) The seat that I have can be adjusted to allow more leg room as they grow, he’s been in it for just over two years now and I haven’t had to adjust it for leg room yet, and he’s not short for his age. It’s a bloody fantastic car seat. Well worth every penny.

In the seat in his dads car, he has less leg room but either sticks his legs straight up the seat or crosses them.

So you have concerns about your ex's parenting and think that means you should put her in a less safe car seat?

You say rear-facing can cause vomiting. Does it? Is your child regularly vomiting on normal car journeys?

There is no evidence that RF is uncomfortable, in fact, most children sit with legs bent or crossed most of the time and FF, where their legs are dangling, is less comfortable.

You sound like a nightmare coparent tbh, bitching to her friends instead of tackling issues head-on and then bickering over the very reasonable request to keep her in a safe car seat, which you already have and don't even need to buy.

Rear facing is safer. However, ultimately as long as you have them in a legal seat there is nothing a coparent can do. My friend was very passionate about rear facing and the second she split from her partner, he purchased the cheapest front facing seats, i’m sure it was just to spite her. Obviously once a child faces forward they are unlikely to want to rear face in another car.

Your "co-parent" threatened to stop you seeing your child, WHILE you were discussing your concerns with her friend, so you wrote an essay on all the other complaints you have about her 🙄

I assume you are seeking custody considering how unsafe you seem to believe your child is? Or AT LEAST making sure whatever parenting plan you have is being adhered to?

@Didshejustsaythatoutloud - it has been recommended for a number of years now and I have certainly seen it regularly.
It wasn’t a thing when mine were that age or yours I assume but honestly you could have quickly googled before commenting that it seems “cruel”. It’s not arcane knowledge.

Where do the 4yr olds legs go? I've never seen any 4yr old in rear facing car seat before.

I don't think a four year old needs a rear facing car seat, but as others have said that is the least of your problems. You should stop using a go-between and get some professional mediation support for the sake of your daughter.

A 4yr old in a rear facing car seat!!!!, WTF. I have never heard of this before. Seems cruel.
You need to contact ss about the major other issues though.

I, for one, won't be used as a pawn in your power struggles with your ex.

If your child is living in an unsafe environment, then take it to court.

Go to court to get a proper shared custody order. Stop the tit for tat accusations, it’s not good for the child. If you’re really worried about safety and cleanliness then report it to ss and apply for full custody, otherwise grow up and try to communicate properly with your child’s mother.

I also think you are raising more serious issues as just “context” to a relatively minor issue.

These sound like the real issues if they’re as bad as you say, and you need to address them.

The car seat issue is the least of the worries here. If the above is true regarding the state of the home and living in filth then your ex needs help with getting the house sorted out otherwise it seems you need to become the main carer for your child

You are not unreasonable to use a forward facing seat, and s/he cannot refuse you contact with your child for using one. No court in the land would allow that. You will be using a legal seat, and that's it.

Communicating via a friend and by sending links to a Mumsnet thread where you slag of the parent that you were living it to, is entirely unhelpful though, and just adding petrol to the fire that is your relationship.

The friend is either in a terrible position or could be adding to the problems in the way that she reports back. So this can't go on.

To add, having an unblemished driving record means nothing, it’s survivor bias. Doesn’t mean you won’t pull out of your street tomorrow morning and some nutter T-bone you at 50mph. You might be a very safe driver, others are not.

Rear facing is absolutely safer. But it’s also a choice.
I have my four year old rear facing in a 36kg ERF seat which will last him until he’s around 6/7, he will grow out of it due to height way before he reaches the weight limit as he’s not a large child. He’s got tons of room in it, never uncomfortable, never sick, it’s what he knows.
But it was an expensive seat. Beyond the age of around 3.5-4 your best options for rear facing are 25kg or 36kg seats and they do cost significantly more.

my co parent also rear faces him in an ERF seat but if he decided to chance at any point I’d want to chat with him about it but I couldn’t stop him seeing him because of it.

My point is, either rear face your child And avoid the argument, or don’t, she can’t stop you having your child.

Hmm … I might be wrong but your eclectic list of the neglect at her mother’s sounds like something my ex husband might have come up with, not insofar as the specific criticisms but starting from a grain of truth and building a castle around it.

How many times has your daughter sustained a foot injury at her mother’s and what were they?

Many households allow children to eat in their bedrooms (I didn’t) ; many households will occasionally get fruit flies. If you have pets, you may get a flea problem occasionally. Households that have experienced these problems are not necessarily unsafe or unpleasant unless the house is filthy which it sounds like it isn’t. Children fall and hurt themselves and have occasional accidents. If she tripped over a toy she had out this could be “she sustains injuries because of the amount of clutter in the rooms”.

You come across as someone who has taken major offence at her questioning the safety of your less safe car seat and you are engaged in retaliatory tit for tat in a way that sounds like you are trying to evidence she is an unfit parent.

If your car seat is assessed as safe for your daughter then she can’t stop you having her on that account and I’d go to court over it if I had to, but initially I’d write her a neutral letter stating why her stance is unreasonable and stating your willingness to go to court if necessary but that you hope it can be avoided.

Are you having mediation? It might be a good idea.

In the last year my house has had ants in the kitchen; damp on one wall through water ingress from a balcony in torrential rain; in the summer we had fruit flies briefly a couple of times around the counter integrated compostable bin. My husband turned his ankle coming down the stairs. We live in a hot summer climate in a very clean and luxurious house but you could make it sound like a plague pit death trap from that.

Is the house really filthy and unsafe? If it is then I’d refer to Social Services.

Well exactly. I suspect the OP is a man who wants this forum to do his wife-work admin for him so he can beat his ex around the head with whilst actually doing fuck all themselves. We see it here too many sodding times.

Why haven't you gone for full custody @lovingthegiftcom ?

The most serious issue for me here is that she is threatening you with not seeing your daughter. This is parental alienation and it is abusive. If I were you I would make a note of that and keep any messages and your responses to them. Make sure your ducks are in a row in terms of any shared custody arrangements and who pays what for your dd. The lack of hygiene and safety in the house is really concerning and a red flag. A four year old child should not be living in a filthy unsafe house with flees, sharp objects on the floor, flies and too many cats exacerbating asthma. This is neglectful. If what you say is true then I would say your dd is in a situation that requires intervention from social services unless you can persuade your ex for you to be the primary carer and her to have your dd just at weekends only or similar. I would not want my child living like this it’s not good enough at all. Please do your best to get proper advice to safeguard your dd you can start by letting school and gp know of your concerns and asking for a health visitor to be assigned to visit and advise. I would also be looking at full custody.

Can you afford to pay for a cleaner for your co parent? Obviously you shouldn’t have to but it would mean that you would know your daughter was being looked after in a clean safe home and would probably make you co parent a lot happier

Then you would have been better to explain that you had concerns about all of the other parents parenting skills rather than presenting their shortcomings as supporting evidence in your alleged worries about the car seat.

And discussing the problems with a mutual friend? How is that supposed to help an already fraught situation. If you are really concerned about your child’s safety then you need to apply for full custody through the court.