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Original poster

Content Warning (concerns S.A.) Added by MNHQ - To have expected more from school safeguarding

190 replies

123dontcomeatme · 14/03/2025 07:35

I honestly feel like I'm in an alternative universe at the moment.

My daughter is in her last year of a levels. She has been raped and experienced other sexual assults and cohersive control. This has been taken to the police, its taken about 6 weeks but she's done the interview, has an ivsa, therapy in place.

During this time her school attendance has been sporadic. I think that is understandable. The police, ivsa and therapy all talk about this being a hard time and doing what she feels comfortable doing etc.
The school are getting shirty.
Ive kept in communication with the school, the ivsa has spoken to them too.

Despite this, I had a call from safeguarding last night, pushing for my daughter to do her mocks. I said she had been doing well but the arrest too place on Wednesday and we have both had harassment from the family since, which has been reported and is being dealt with and how that's been very difficult, I couldn't work on Wednesday, my emotions were too huge, let alone my daughter.

The safeguarding lead then said, ' well hopefully she will bounce back quicker this time, that's the issue with children now, they need to build more resilience.

I am just dumbstruck.

I replied that this was a very serious matter and that if she was working it would be likely she would be off sick and she just gave me a patronising ' hmmm'

This isnt ok, is it.
I dont have any fight left in me now, but this isn't ok. Why do schools expect children to be like robots.

OP posts:
ldnmusic87 · 14/03/2025 08:22

That is disgraceful, of course exams don't matter, look what she's been through. Take this as high as you can xx

Original poster
123dontcomeatme · 14/03/2025 08:13

Yes they know what's happened, they have the crime ref number too!
I've kept them updated all the way through.

She's in year 13 with the exams in 2 months. She's a bright student. She might drop a grade or 2, it doesn't matter.

OP posts:
ldnmusic87 · 14/03/2025 08:08

I am furious on your/your daughter's behalf.

'Bounce back!'

Do the school know what happened? I would be going straight to the headteacher and getting this all in writing.

BeanThereDoneIt · 14/03/2025 08:06

I’m shocked and outraged on your behalf. How dare they. What an absolute failing on their part.

I can completely understand that you have no energy to fight them at the minute but when you do, I would be making a complaint asap. Look at their complaints procedure: it should go to the head teacher in the first instance. You could copy and paste your post on here and make minor tweaks.

If the headteacher has been involved, or you’re not satisfied with their response, address the complaint to the head of governors. The next step after that would be Ofsted. As the school is failing in their duty to safeguard your daughter, this is a serious concern.

In terms of getting them off your back for now about her attendance, do you have a good GP? Would you be able to get them, or your daughter’s therapist, to write the school a letter explaining that her attendance will be sporadic for the time being and that she will not be completing her mocks this year?

My line with the school would be a hard no to the idea of any mocks this year at all. She’s year 12 I’m assuming? She needs to focus first and foremost on her emotional, mental and physical recovery from this trauma. Then she can focus on catching up on the content she’s missed. Completing mock exams under these circumstances is a ludicrous idea and I would be telling them that this is not a discussion you’re willing to have again.

Write all of this in an email and explain that you’d like communication to be by email for the time being. If they insist on calling you, explain that it’s not a good time and ask them to email you instead. Explain that you all need some space to process this traumatic event. You’ll still be engaging with the school, just more on your terms.

LoudBlueFish · 14/03/2025 08:03

Just sending best wishes to you and your daughter. It must be so tough for you as well as your daughter. But it sounds like your fighting her corner. Make sure it all goes through you as you know what your daughter needs in this tough time. If it's like this and she has a school email they may start sending work and pressure.

MsMartini · 14/03/2025 08:01

That is really appalling. You must be so exhausted by it all and they are adding to your stress but I agree with pp - I would complain now.

A boy in my dd's year lost his dm just before GCSEs. The school said it was up to him, sit them or don't, no pressure, he could go into the sixth form whatever and they would sort it out later, and if he did want to do them a member of staff he trusted and liked would walk him in every day and be around for him.

I am so sorry about what happened to your dd, and I wish you both well for the future.

Octonaut4Life · 14/03/2025 07:58

Horrendous and deeply inappropriate. Complain to everyone you can think of complaining to.

Sirzy · 14/03/2025 07:55

Yanbu.

Would it be better for her to take some time away from college and restart elsewhere in September? Ideally being able to just go in and do the second year of A levels (if that’s what she wants still)

I think this is a point in life where it is worth remembering education can happen at any point in life. For now she (and you!) needs to be able to focus on recovering from the trauma.

Penguinmouse · 14/03/2025 07:55

No this isn’t right at all, please complain to the Head or via whatever process the complaints procedure sets out. I work in a school and if our DSL did that I’d be horrified.

so sorry your daughter has been through this.

Original poster
123dontcomeatme · 14/03/2025 07:51

They aren't the right environment at all. Ive been fighting with the school for the last 6 or so weeks.
The disclosure happened the day before her mocks. I told the school immediately. They tried to reschedule the exams for the following week where dd was at a point where she couldn't leave the house, wasn't sleeping, wasn't eating, was vomiting through anxiety.

I had to fight to get them to leave it.
Safeguarding then said she could wait a few weeks and then I had an email from the head of sixth booking them in for 3 days time, saying it will boost her confidence and help maximise her grades.

Like any of that is even a consideration right now, it doesn't matter, this is more important that a fucking mock.

Then I had that call from Safeguarding.

Bounce the fuck back. I'm so angry.

It's not like she's grazed her knee.

OP posts:
Iknowaboutpopular · 14/03/2025 07:46

Gosh I'm so sorry for your poor dd and what she's been and is going through. And also you, you must be feeling extremely upset and overwhelmed and having to deal with this extra unnecessary stress is hard.

I would be taking this further and making a serious complaint about her. What she said is utterly appalling given the serious circumstances.

ginnybag · 14/03/2025 07:44

I'm sorry but they seriously said she should 'bounce back quicker' from being raped?

That's absolutely horrifying.

It's so far past not okay that its in another country. The resilience comment, too. No-one, much less a teenage girl, should be expected to have 'resilience' around being raped.

I completely appreciate you're exhausted but that needs a complaint to the SLT immediately, not least because it strongly suggests they aren't going to be anywhere close to the right environment for her right now.

Best wishes to you and your daughter.

Whyherewego · 14/03/2025 07:43

I'd be writing to the school saying that your DD is dealing with significant challenges following a very serious incident and having comments like "she will bounce back" is not helpful nor constructive at this time and that you would like someone else to be appointed as liaison with the family.
Absolutely appalling. I'm so sorry and I hope your DD is getting support she needs elsewhere.

Enko · 14/03/2025 07:42

No that's not ok. I would make a complaint and request some training to staff on how to communicate with victims of serious crimes.

So sorry for your dd and you having to go through all this.

muggart · 14/03/2025 07:39

I think that safeguarding lead has serious issues of her own. What a nasty, nasty comment.