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Original poster

Content Warning (concerns S.A.) Added by MNHQ - To have expected more from school safeguarding

190 replies

123dontcomeatme · 14/03/2025 07:35

I honestly feel like I'm in an alternative universe at the moment.

My daughter is in her last year of a levels. She has been raped and experienced other sexual assults and cohersive control. This has been taken to the police, its taken about 6 weeks but she's done the interview, has an ivsa, therapy in place.

During this time her school attendance has been sporadic. I think that is understandable. The police, ivsa and therapy all talk about this being a hard time and doing what she feels comfortable doing etc.
The school are getting shirty.
Ive kept in communication with the school, the ivsa has spoken to them too.

Despite this, I had a call from safeguarding last night, pushing for my daughter to do her mocks. I said she had been doing well but the arrest too place on Wednesday and we have both had harassment from the family since, which has been reported and is being dealt with and how that's been very difficult, I couldn't work on Wednesday, my emotions were too huge, let alone my daughter.

The safeguarding lead then said, ' well hopefully she will bounce back quicker this time, that's the issue with children now, they need to build more resilience.

I am just dumbstruck.

I replied that this was a very serious matter and that if she was working it would be likely she would be off sick and she just gave me a patronising ' hmmm'

This isnt ok, is it.
I dont have any fight left in me now, but this isn't ok. Why do schools expect children to be like robots.

OP posts:
Original poster
123dontcomeatme · 20/06/2025 11:18

I'm having support myself and when the lady says the above to me, I remind her that strength and resilience comes hard won. Its not a natural thing and I've had a lot of bad things.
But, dd i hope has been able to use some of mine and I have been able to guide and shield hopefully. Once I found my feet a bit.

Really I'd like to have just crumpled and I'm sure dd felt like that too but that's not really a choice. You have to fight for yourself, don't you.

Lots of line in the sand moments too which all helps put a bit of space in between what happened and now and that helps mentally too I think.

Thank you all.
I might come back and update after the hearing, I'll try to remember

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Purplebunnie · 20/06/2025 11:03

Please give your DD and yourself a big hug from me. Words fail me regarding the extra amount of stress that you have both had to endure from this inept school at such an awful time.

Sending love and best wishes

Mumofoneandone · 20/06/2025 10:46

You both sound incredibly strong and amazing people. Whilst this experience will inevitably leave it's mark on you both, it sounds like neither of you will let it define you. I wish you both well as you go through this process and look forward to when you can put it behind you. X

Original poster
123dontcomeatme · 20/06/2025 10:37

She will get exceptional circumstances in her grades. That's being applied for. Of course i had to sort that, the school didn't offer it.

Dd says she doesn't recognise herself from the beginning of the year. Not in a bad way. She's been through absolute hell but is still standing.

We go away on a little holiday on Monday, she deserves a total break.

This is a few days after we get back. Another line in the sand and movement forward on her terms with her voice heard and head held high.

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Londonmummy66 · 20/06/2025 10:12

I had been thinking of your case and wondered how your daughter got on so thank you for the update. She is a remarkable young woman to have got through her exams. One thing that might be worth doing (I seem to recall she has an apprenticeship offer) is to see if perhaps her ivsa or someone else involved whom she trusts might contact the firm she hopes to work for to explain she has been the victim of a major crime ands see if they would offer some wriggle room in her grades? If I were the employer I'd want someone on board who has shown so much resilience in the face of such adversity - qualities that are far more important in the world of work than academics...

MissDoubleU · 20/06/2025 09:37

I’m so sorry. I’ve been through this battle and it feels all uphill. I got a guilty verdict in court and most of the people who dropped the ball, emotionally/socially/physically supported & prioritised the feelings of my rapist just sort of held their hat in hand without real apology. The victim is never the one being protected it seems.

I’m so glad your daughter has you advocating for her and I guarantee it’s given her an endless amount of strength to get through this time.

The injustice of everything is too heavy sometimes, it sucks all the oxygen out the room and the pain and grief feels endless. But it gets better, it gets easier to carry. Holding the systems to account definitely help! The way they handle things is appalling and you’re absolutely right, it does so much more harm.

Original poster
123dontcomeatme · 20/06/2025 07:40

Hi.
Thanks for the messages. Last exam was yesterday. Unbelievable that she sat them at all really. She's in a much better place, down to her own hard work, acceptable of help offered and growth from that.

Police work all still ongoing. That became quite messy but they are dealing with it.

The school formal complaint response was a joke. Partially upheld because the safeguarding lead denied saying what she said. I do not lie, dd heard the call and why would I make that up and cause myself more stress. But, no proof. Also because they believe the individual teachers were acting in line with the info they had, which was none. But they said they have taken learnings.

they said since i was in contact with tnem that they didn't need to do anything ( or eben respond most of the time) i argue that support should not be driven by those in crisis and that if an outside agency, that runs alongside the Police tells us their safeguarding team are inept that this should be concerning to them.
The sign off was they are sorry I felt the school did not uphold it's own values. Standard sign off that it highly offensive in this case.

Escalated to the board. Have said their ineffective and inefficient safeguarding team has caused harm. Hearing is in a few weeks. Dd is going to come. Don't really know what I need to do in terms of prep.

Dd is done with that school now but this is for all the other victims. Dd won't be the only one.

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Onautopilot · 20/06/2025 05:29

Hi 123dontcomeatme, how are you doing? I hope the exams are over and both you and DD are under a lot less stress. The school's attitude in this whole sorry saga is appalling - no other word for it! I hope some serious questions are asked at Board of Govenours (or your equivalent) after this.
You have both been soooo strong and I wish you a peaceful, rested summer.
DD will be an asset to her career, the strength of character she has shown is amazing; and you set a good example of standing by your convictions. Go Mumma!

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 31/03/2025 15:36

How are you getting now?

I am a physics teachers - if you are interested you can DM me and I’ll give you my school email address and I would be happy to do some (free) tutoring for you daughter to help prepare her for her exams. That is if that is what she wants to do.

Original poster
123dontcomeatme · 18/03/2025 18:15

Oh, it's stage 2. Its a formal complaint. Its gone straight to that, informal isn't appropriate given the circumstances

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TizerorFizz · 18/03/2025 18:08

@123dontcomeatmeYou need to understand the official complaints procedure. Many schools use this format: Is this a stage 1 complaint - a response to your initial complaint by a senior member of staff? Stage 2 - a complaint to the Head because the stage 1 outcome is unsatisfactory? Stage 3 - complaint to governors panel because the Head’s response is unsatisfactory? What do you think it is?

I would suggest it’s important you read their published complaints procedure or it will not be logged as a complaint at all. Ofsted monitor complaints so it’s important it’s logged. Have you signed any complaints form? Most schools use them to create a paper trail.

6 weeks for stage 1 (or any stage) is way too long. That’s after Easter! Obviously if you are happy then don’t check, but I would want them to follow the procedure because it’s important.

Original poster
123dontcomeatme · 18/03/2025 17:46

The lady I spoke to is going to summarise everything, she will send it to me for approval within 48hrs.

I don't remember what stage that is?
But yes, they said 30 working days, I just summarised as 6 weeks.

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LurkyMcLurkinson · 18/03/2025 17:14

Your daughter is lucky to have a mother like you who advocates for her. Keep going mama bear!

TizerorFizz · 18/03/2025 16:46

Are you at stage 1, 2 or 3 regarding the complaint?

TizerorFizz · 18/03/2025 16:37

Make sure you read the Complaints policy and they stick to timelines. Usually it’s expressed as working days, not weeks. Each section is different: acknowledgment, investigation, response, panel hearing and response have stated timelines. Don’t let it drag on.

Original poster
123dontcomeatme · 18/03/2025 16:24

Yes!
I spoke with the person who is handling the complaint, she was very very good..
It's being split in two, the formal complaint will take 6 weeks. She's noted we need immediate support now, has appointed someone, briefed them and we have a face to face meeting next week. Emergency communication will be sent out to teachers to basically leave dd alone in the meantime.

Dds isva is also on the case and has escalated from her side.

She seemed quite shocked that no one had called me or requested a meeting from my emails, there were numerous emails dating back to early Feb.. she asked what support had been put in place already and couldn't believe there was nothing.

I am exhausted but feel like I can exhale a little bit. I'm hoping to sleep better tonight and thst dd feels able to go to school tomorrow and we can have a few more normal days.

Thank you to everyone, your messages have given me strength when I had none.

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Hercisback1 · 18/03/2025 16:00

@123dontcomeatme any further correspondence today?

Hercisback1 · 17/03/2025 21:17

Horrified at the awful treatment OP. please keep a paper trail (it sounds like you already are). Keep copies of emails and make notes of phone calls.

TizerorFizz · 17/03/2025 19:48

@123dontcomeatme
Do you have the relevant policies to hand? I would make sure you know what they should be doing. Then they can be held to account when you have to write the details of your complaint.

Seymour5 · 17/03/2025 19:47

What @purplepandas said. Wishing you both well.

purplepandas · 17/03/2025 18:46

I wish you and your daughter well @123dontcomeatme . The school are beyond abysmal and just lacking in any humanity or empathy. I hope the IVSA gives them a kick up the arse.

Original poster
123dontcomeatme · 17/03/2025 18:32

I don't feel resilient, I feel exhausted.

I spoke with dd this morning to double check what she wanted, which is to do her exams and then leave. She has 2 months till exams start, 2 weeks of which is the Easter break.

Its just 6 weeks, we can get through 6 weeks .
If it was longer, I don't think we could, but it's not long. We just have to pull together, I'll fight, she just needs to keep putting one foot in front of the other. We will get there.

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TwentySecondsLeft · 17/03/2025 18:16

@123dontcomeatme

Just a huge well done to you and your daughter. No it shouldn’t be this hard and you are both showing incredible resilience.

In my experience, you will need to continue with the chasing. There will be a lot of buck passing and people trying to avoid accountability. In my situation, the school is ultimately run by the Local Authority. I have found the Local Authority more helpful than the school, but very difficult to contact.

Original poster
123dontcomeatme · 17/03/2025 18:06

Obviously no one contacted me about support as promised.

So I chased it.
Again.

And told them they ivsa would be contacting the school too as they aren't following policy.

Ive been given a name of who will call me... expect it will be tomorrow.

It should not be this hard and it should not come after 6 weeks of me fighting.

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Original poster
123dontcomeatme · 17/03/2025 16:17

Ok. Update
I've been contacted by an appointed person to deal with the complaint. I have a phone call with her tomorrow.

I've been told I will be contacted by someone else re support by the end of today... so far I've heard nothing.

The principal email was rude. I don't think he took kindly to me saying I would escalate.

Dd saw her isva today who is going to contact the school again, she was horrified and also shocked that no support measures have been put in place as they have policy they are meant to followed.

They have also offered me support through something like ' support for people who are supporting people of sexual violence ' so I'm taking that. She said neither of us should be dealing with this and that dd is doing exceptionally well to even be at school.

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