Parents want to take us away but unprepared to consider children's needs?

My children are 13 and 11. I don't think they've ever had the luxury of being given their own room when we've been to stay with relatives, or been away with relatives or friends. To be honest, even when we go away as just us, it's rare they get their own room as it's too expensive!

A 2 year old having her own room on a holiday that someone else is paying for? Seriously??

Stick the 2 yr old in with you, and b grateful!!

I think you should point out very specific things that could affect the 'birthday boys' having a good time. Eg. DH will need to sleep with toddler so they don't try to come down the ladder in the night so he won't get a good night. DDad will need to constantly monitor the toddler in the garden with the pond so he probably won't enjoy it much. Turn it into the fact you're considering birthday people. If your DH and Dad are actually OK with something then maybe you need to be more accommodating.

I can't fathom why you're getting such a hard time when you've suggested alternatives and offered to pay the difference. What reason did your mum give for rejecting those? Is one of your parents concerned about toilet access for example?

I'm all for not being precious but if there's no give then I suspect you + DH might conclude it doesn't work for you 4 as a way to celebrate this birthday so you'll treat him to lunch (or whatever) another time.

Could you find other accommodation for just your little family close by instead?

It's impossible to tell who is being unreasonable. You can't expect a holiday home to be just like home. Sure, travelling and being away with young children is tricky but you either want to do it or you don't. I always wanted to join family holidays so I would make it work for my children but then my parents/ wider family aren't unreasonable and we negotiate decisions together. Same with our own family holidays, sometimes odd sleeping arrangements had to be tolerated in order for us to have the holiday we wanted.

Stand your ground. A stepladder to a toddlers room is an accident waiting to happen, even if the toddler does’t sleep in the room, what if she messes on the ladder anyway? And I was v laid back about where I stayed with babies and young kids (camping, rooms above pubs, cheap hostels etc).

If it’s for your DH’s birthday, he’ll want to relax and enjoy himself and so will you, not be constantly anxious that a toddler is messing on a ladder.

And even 80s and 90s mums thought of their kids’ safety and their own need to relax.

I am the 80s baby with a similar attitude as an adult too. I don't understand the problem. A toddler will be sleeping in the room so it's two trips up a ladder per day. Something they surely do multiple times in one trip to the playground.
And someone being terrified of balconies ... Well, people do live their entire lives in flats with balconies and I am not sure statistics of babies falling off them routinely support this worry. There are 5 babies in my family who were brought up in a flat on the 4th floor. We were even put on a balcony in a pram for naps. We all made it to adulthood.

If it was for your DM and DDad celebration only then I would say YABU, but your DH will have a crap birthday if he’s constantly worried or the kids are overtired! It either works for you or you explain to your mum that you’d rather pay your own way and do your own thing.

I don't understand why your mum is being difficult when you've found other suitable places and are offering to pay the difference. Is she being bloody minded or are your places less luxurious/more remote etc.? Either way I just wouldn't go if there's zero compromise. If you put yourself out it won't be appreciated and will set a precedent for the future.

I wouldn't dream of doing this if I had young grandchildren. And for those saying the kids have to slot in in favour of the adults, the OP is one of the adults and it would be miserable for her.

You really expect your toddler to have their own room on a weekend break? Our dc had their own rooms at home always, but never on a holiday. Sometimes we all 4 shared a room, even when they were in their teens.

TBH I think staying in rental properties with very small children is fairly nightmarish. I did it for the first time when our youngest DC was 2.5 and the older children were out all day skiing - and it was a huge house. But before that I only wanted to stay with my parents or in hotels that were clearly child-friendly.

This, honestly. It isn’t really a special treat if everyone (in your immediate family anyway!) is just going to end up ratty and tired!

Don't malign a generation of parents! Your mother's attitude is hers, and hers alone.

You haven’t said what the issues with the properties are so it’s hard to tell whether you’re being overly picky, other than the stair ladder to the bedroom which I agree is impractical.
However if they really are all unsuitable then put your foot down and be firm with your mum - “it’s a lovely idea mum but we won’t be able to come unless the place is suitable for our children’s needs as it would make the weekend stressful for us, rather than enjoyable.”
If she continues to try and insist, just stick to your boundary and repeat every time, “sorry but that place wouldn’t work for us”. She’s not in charge of you - you’re an adult with your own children who has the right to make their own decisions about what’s best for them.

They should refuse because YOU think it’s a rubbish way to celebrate? Hilarious.

Put the toddler in the room of your parents then they can look after him. Let’s see what they think about that.

This is a good plan!

"We will not be coming to any house where my children won't be safe. Please don't book a place that has rooms for us that aren't safe for a toddler. If you like you can book something for you and dad and (brother&partner) and me &dh will find somewhere nearby that we can stay in. Or we can continue hunting together for somewhere big enough for all of us that is safe for a toddler."

I didn't have my first child until 2006 and to a certain extent they had to fit around adult plans....just like we fit around them for a large percentage of the time.
I find that parents who try and force the world to fit around their children are setting themselves up for stress later on when they can't make the world a perfect place for their children.

I think this is a rubbish way to celebrate your husband's 40th so surely just refuse on those grounds.

Book a place nearby and then you can control your children's schedules.

I don't think YABU OP. We have a toddler as well and relatives who wanted us to join them on a long haul holiday and stay in a very nice hotel for 10 days. Special occasion and they were prepared to foot the bill. But our DC is the most horrendous traveller and we simply could not face taking him for 10 hours each way on a flight. The chosen hotel was entirely adults orientated, including all meal times. They weren't interested in looking at more child friendly accommodation because they were paying so thought it should be their choice (kind of fair enough) So we politely declined.

You have to deal with your kids being unsettled/tired/tantrumming - not them. I would not be up for a weekend away that's just going to make your whole family totally exhausted. Say you'd love to go away together when kids are bigger.

“Mum I love that you want us all to get together, but I don’t understand why you’re happy for (toddler’s name) to be so upset all weekend. What is it about this particular accommodation option that you’ve got your heart set on?”

Rather than leading with what makes it unsuitable for you, turn it around to get her to explain why it’s perfect for her. And then respond to each thing with a little laugh and bat it away like she’s the one being unreasonable:

”It’s got a lovely fireplace.”
”So has this one down the road.”
”The pictures show some lovely views from the kitchen window.”
”Haha I hope there’s a lock on the door so we can hide from XX screaming from no sleep!”
”It’s walking distance to a lovely pub.”
”You’re so funny with your need to be near a boozer.”
”I don’t need to be near a boozer!”
”That’s great then, maybe this one will work better for us then?”

I always had a lot of comments about how chilled I was with my children when they were little but when I wouldn't even consider this. Toddlers can very easily climb out of a travel cot and what if they then attempted the ladder?