Parents want to take us away but unprepared to consider children's needs?

I'm so confused why people are telling OP to just suck it up.

The accommodation DM has suggested isn't being provided for free, it's not suitable and surely there's other options in the area that are more suitable?

Don't understand this suck it up mentality at all. It's not suitable for OP, and will cause stress. Children thrive on routine and if the toddler normally has their own room then sharing will cause sleeplessness for everyone.

It's not hard to choose somewhere which is suitable for all guests. The children count as guests too, they're not inconvenient add ons. They deserve a nice break too and to feel comfortable.

This is the ready bed I meant- it means a toddler can sleep anywhere. I think a 2 yr old could probably go in a normal travel cot (I think we did get a thicker mattress for the cot bed at some point too).

Also, how many properties of hers have you rejected? They can’t ALL have death ladders surely? I find it really hard to imagine that they are all actually dangerous as opposed to just not your first preference.

Being from the 80s 90s myself I feel deeply that children should just fit in - which is also the attitude of my DC and DSC with their DC/DGC. However, in support of you, 'fitting in' doesn't include a 2-year-old climbing a steep ladder-type staircase down which they might fall in the night. Suggest your DM sleep up there or that you and DC have two bedrooms on the same level?

Take the mattress off the bed and put it on the floor. Problem solved

Yeah it’s a weekend, I’d be flexible unless something is actually completely unworkable. My toddlers slept in some random places on those blow up floor beds, in a big wardrobe (door open), en-suite, corner of our room, in with cousins. For a night or two it’s fine. And if they are in your room and baby is really unsettled you can always just take the baby out for half an hour. But my toddlers slept through baby noise.

Honestly just go with it and get a blow up
all in one, there’s nothing more annoying than trying to do something nice then having all the joy sucked out of it by over-particular fussing.

Just. Say. No. I mean, your poor husband - why on earth would he want to celebrate his birthday with his in laws? Be polite, but decline. Book your own trip, to suit you.

The difference is a child may try to go down the ladder unsupervised while half Asleep

Unless there is more to this, like the alternatives are further away/smaller rooms/not the same facilities then it seems bonkers to me that she wouldn't work with you to find a solution instead of dogging in that it's her organising the event so you need to slot in (although given what you've said about her parenting style, it's hardly surprising.

We went away once per year wirh my lovely inlaws both before and after children. We have never been away with my parents as they didnt want to be flexible when we were kids and it would not be a holiday for any of us. Just say no.

Have you checked the details of step ladder house? When we stayed in one with funny steos to a lift room, only children over a certain age could sleep up there.

'It's very kind of you to offer, but we think the children are a bit too young'.

I think the OP's mum has forgotten that as well.

I would not waste a weekend being miserable, when it can be prevented. In your situation I would either book your own accommodations, but if that's not feasible I would celebrate with your dad/husband at a date when everyone is home again.

We had a similar issue when mine were younger at a family wedding. My mum took the eldest into her room and we sorted the baby. Suggest this (and see her look of horror)!
But then my mum was a caring grandmother not a selfish, controlling one.

Exactly!. I would rather stay at home than endure a stressful weekend with a 2 month old and 2 year old. Just too much.

But there really isn't any need to put herself out when there is a solution. Why go on a holiday that will be stressful?

I would stand my ground politely if it were me . I would say that I really looking forward to going away with them but the accommodation just won't work and it will be very difficult to cope with especially with a 2 month old. Explain everything to her again and reiterate that you are very happy to pay the extra it costs . Just make her know that you REALLY want to go and you are grateful. She is just stuck in her ways

I don't know why you're getting a hard time either. A shit night with 2 DC so young means a shit weekend. I think some posters have forgotten that. You're no longer at an age where you have to bow down to your Mum. You're allowed to say no, such a kind offer but we'll celebrate with a meal or something once you're back.

With a 2 year old and a 2 month old, I wouldn't be going and staying anywhere that didn't have suitable accommodation. I would calmly and firmly stick to your guns and tell DM that you need time find somewhere that is suitable for all your needs. If she keeps insisting, I would just say we won't be able to come then.

Not unreasonable to ask. Since she's not the flexible type, I guess it's a yes or no from you. I think I would put my foot down because the ladder arrangement might be unsafe as well as impractical. 'So generous of you to invite us, we really appreciate it. The property isn't suitable for our little ones, so regretfully we will have to decline.'

I would arrange your own accommodation near by and say that you will spend the days all together but will leave in the evenings to somewhere that is suitable.
If your mother doesn’t like that then remind her that you have provided alternative accommodation which she has turned down and you have already told her that the accommodation she has found is not safe or suitable for your children.
There are three options here:-

1. You go but stay elsewhere.
2. Your mum agrees to change accommodation to something suitable
3. You don’t go and celebrate with your dad another day.

I get what people are saying about kids having their own room being a luxury, but I think one of the kids is 2 months old that is an exception. At that age I would much rather not go away anywhere than have to have a toddler in with a 2 month old. Nights are hellish enough as it is at that stage.

Also, if it's the sort of place with ladders to loft rooms, the bedrooms are most likely tiny. We're not talking about a family room in a hotel here.

This would also involve OP putting DH out. On his 40th birthday weekend. Surely her mother can do no actual putting of self out at all in order to secure accommodation that allows both of the birthday boys to be comfortable.

With toddlers and a baby, stuff can go wrong really fast.

When there are so many far better options, dig in in a low key way and be consistent. If she books it, go quiet and ...don't go. You have made yourself clear.

Same. And it’s not just at night. They’d have to watch her like a hawk in the day too or they may suddenly hear a big thud.

Which wouldn’t be great for the toddler. She should be able to toddle around where they’re staying without constantly being told no or scooped up.