Parents want to take us away but unprepared to consider children's needs?

YANBU. Your mother should be trying to find a place that suits everybody. You and your husband will have a miserable time after sleepless nights and the kids will ruin any meals when they are understandably overtired and whinging/crying. My youngest is 18 and I still remember the hideous Christmas where he cried all night and the time we had to leave a b&b at 4am because we were worried our daughter would wake all the other guests with her crying to be picked up because she could see us in the same room. Your mum needs to agree to a more suitable place or you need to sleep in another property or not go. Good luck.

Unsuitable arrangements for a family weekend incl a small baby? Er, obviously not.

I wouldn't be walking into that one if you paid me. Your family wouldn't be comfortable at all and would get home exhausted. She's unreasonable expecting you to accept this and to face getting through the next week drained from the experience, especially when it's not necessary.

Your accomodation needs can be met and you've done the ground work.
If she wants you there, she can meet your needs or expect her invitation declined.

Christ you sound delightful.

It strikes me that she has this rose-tinted perfect plan in her head and you're spoiling it with reality.

If she does change venue you won't hear the end of it. I'd probably go with a ReadyBed backup plan and let her sort it out.

* @PrincessOfPreschool
It's hard to tell from your post. Obviously the loft room would be difficult unless dh sleeps with the toddler in that room whilst you sleep in room with baby.*

This is the best suggestion OP.

Toddler doesn't have to be disturbed and if baby cab be bottle fed, you & DH can swap so you're all rested.

In your shoes, I would tell that their kind offer is much appreciated but it's not a good time to take such young children away - you'll be stressed and tired the whole time and nobody will enjoy themselves. Maybe you could have a deferred break in a couple of years?

Yes we have similar issues with mil and fil. They will suggest a weekend /week away but want full control and any suggestions of ‘this might be better for kids….’ Is batted away with ‘children need to learn to fit in with everyone else ’ I’d argue the 63 and 65 year old could take some lessons in being flexible!!

Our son is autistic and we found their lack of compromise exhausting so stopped going. I’d say to your mum, “those places aren’t really suitable for dc but I can see you are set on them and you deserve a lovely break, so we will drop out but thank you for inviting us “

Then at least you haven’t wasted time/money/holiday days.

"Enjoy your time away as those places aren't suitable for our children and as we can't compromise on elsewhere then we'll be unable to attend". That's it. Plan something else for your partners 40th.

My initial reaction I opened this thread was that your mum is probably normal while you are ridiculously pandering to your spoilt and needy children (countdown to "but they have SEN!")

This post has mostly confirmed it

YABU

I’d take a pass on this one. Way too high stress. Who needs it. It doesn’t sound like fun.

The sensible way round it would be to "ask" what you'd need accommodation-wise having 2 infants. Has she forgotten what sleepless nights were like (probably!) and even a night out takes planning never mind a weekend. Not so bad for the other 2 couples but if your parents had special requirements I'm sure they'd be at the top of the list. You're not being awkward just practical.

It's ok to prioritise you & your young children & set boundaries that work for you - first principle here. Regardless of occasion, you don't need to appease your mother by sacrificing feeling safe somewhere with your children. It isn't worth the stress/anxiety. I'd be feeling exactly the same.

You could politely say it isn't going to work with the children so wish them a lovely weekend & offer to celebrate her 70th another time, that works for you & kiddies.

If she finds it so easy to shut off your feelings on things - give her some of that back.

I don’t like freebies with strings attached or where someone else has total control because they are paying. I’d rather choose what I want to do and pay for myself. This has happened to us a few times in the past with a relative. It sounds ungrateful but I don’t want a ‘free’ holiday which costs us a fortune paying for meals out and days out that we would never choose to do. Often ended up costing several hundred pounds for a few days for something we hadn’t chosen.

Stopped doing it eventually. I know the money is not the issue here, OP but I recognise the control.
OP, I’d politely decline. No way would I go away with a young baby and a toddler who is expected to climb a ladder to bed.

Which is all the more reason to keep things simple. If the OP gives one straightforward message, we are not going because...then unless the because is removed, they dont go, there really doesn't need to be anymore to say. Her mum can say what she likes, but if OP keeps giving the same response, dripping tap style, then she will have to accept it. The longer OP engages by suggesting different options the longer it's prolonged. When people are trying to control you have to be straightforward, direct and consistent.

@5128gap it’s often not that simple with controlling people actually! Do you really think her mum will just so say “ok, no problem, we’ll go without you this time”?! No of course not, it will be guilt trips of “why are you being difficult when I’m just trusting to do something nice?” But of course it’s not nice if OP, her DH and kids will all have a rubbish time.

Oh come on, stop being so precious and just get on with it.

For all the reasons you've outlined, "no thankyou, that doesn't work for us" is a totally reasonable response.

Staying elsewhere but nearby sounds a good compromise if your mum's willing to accept that.

Your parents are offering you the break they want to offer. All you need to do is accept or decline. If you decline with reasons they can then decide to alter things so you can go, or not. It really is that simple.

Say no if it dosent work for you.
Just because they are paying they should drop the control and ask what you would like too.
Too controlling.

My parents have just booked a similar trip for us. They told me the budget and the desired area and then let me pick the most appropriate accommodation as we will have kids pretty much the same age as yours. Because they love me and their grandchildren and want EVERYONE to have a good time!

They realise this means places that might be ideal for them aren’t going to work for us - if they want to be the ones picking then they can go away by themselves. Once you expect toddlers and babies to come then you have to factor their needs into the planning, I’m afraid!

"Thank you for trying to book this mum, however toddler wont be sleeping in a room with a loft ladder. Looks like the only option left is baby in your room and toddler in ours, you don't mind being woken up repeatedly through the night do you?"

I was in a similar situation a few years ago, my mother's 60th birthday, I had an 18-month-old and the celebration was planned 2 weeks before I was due as my second. Severe SPD meant I could barely walk without a stick and needed a wheelchair for any distance.

I was the one trying to organise a celebration. My suggestion of hosting was shot down as not being special enough. My suggestion of a cottage/Airbnb, so we could spend time together once the toddler was in bed, was shot down because it would be too much work, and my siblings insisted we stay in a hotel because it would be more of a treat... I suggested a lunchtime meal, that wasn't special enough and they grudgingly accepted 7pm as the earliest they would eat. My mum wanted the toddler to be there and be included by the way...

My toddler was a trooper, managed calmly at dinner until 9:00 p.m (don't know how!) but it was hard work. My sibling was then put out that we couldn't socialise in the bar leaving our child in the room. The next morning everyone else was talking about their wonderful restful night, and seemed confused why looked frazzled, slept for 3 hours and I ended up in a chair instead.

I swear I'll never be such a mug again.

I don’t know many two year olds who would willingly sleep on their own in a separate bedroom in an unfamiliar house . Adding dangerous stairs between you and them is just asking for trouble . What you need to plan for is you being with baby and your DH in with the toddler . Stick to your guns

Sounds like she would prefer you get a babysitter or something.

The only compromise I can think of is you sort your own more suitable accomodation out and still join in with the other stuff