DH says I’m censoring him when he talks about disturbing things in front of our teen (13)

You could say that equally about the OP. Who’s to say her views and wishes take priority. Who is to say her version of events is accurate. The DH might have and a different take. Being an over protective parent can also be very damaging.

Well yes you are censoring him and with good reason! Some things are not suitable to be discussed with or around children and the brutal details of a child's murder would definitely fall under that category in my opinion. This is the reason we have age categories on games and films and we have the 'watershed' of 9pm for certain programmes on television. You're not in the wrong for wanting to protect your child. It doesn't sound like your husband is willing to listen to anyone's opinion other than his own though - I would find that a major problem.

Seems there’s a larger issue here about appropriate behaviour in front of children. And long term exposure to violence and gore himself.

This

He thinks that he and his wishes and views are so important that no one else’s needs or opinions should have any impact whatsoever It doesn’t matter that what he says is upsetting or potentially damaging to others - he is god and matters most.

Your son will be hearing and seeing far worse at school. I was into gore at that age and I haven’t turned into a psychopathic murderer yet

Complete overreaction

It is very hard to censor what your teens see and talk about. When the Dahrmer thing came out on Netflix, many of DS's friends watched it. He wasn't allowed to, obviously (only have Netflix access on family TV). But they were all talking about it and he'd come home talking about it. It gave us the opportunity of some good discussions, including why people wanted to even watch it or talk about these things.

Just to throw into the mix...
I was fascinated by crime from a young age - I didnt turn out to be a murderer. I went on to have a great career in policing.

Maybe this is the time to get him into psychology (age appropriate) and start shaping his interests outside of the curriculum.
Maybe instead of the sinister aspects this is him developing interest and empathy but in a curious way. If so, facts are essential.

I voted YABU on the basis you shut down your son from discussing it, and also that you won’t tell us the thing you want us to judge, which means we have to go on your own judgment of it, which rather defeats the point.

There are, sadly, lots of horrors in the world and 13 is not too young to face that in my view. Also important for practical reasons that your son feels he can discuss anything with you. That’s one way you can try to keep him safe.

The framing makes a huge difference. If your DH was saying “It was so cool, they did x y z” then that’s terrible. But not simply for being willing to engage factually with horrible things that you don’t want to.

I would be like you and don't like to dwell on unpleasant details. However your son is 13 and this seems to be an age of morbid fascination for kids. Maybe when you and dh are alone say your reasons. I often think men are different and feel that kids can accept morbid details. Women try to keep kids younger for as long as possible

I started reading the newspapers before I was ten. No censorship of any kind in my home. I have a very strong moral compass because of it. It also left me sharp and alert to the dangers of this world.

In the end though, it's your child and you do you but you don't get to control what the other parent thinks is appropriate too. It sounds almost like you see your husband as another child to command and dominate. One who must abide by your doctrine.

To be fair on the 12 certificate thing - it’s actually 12A. This means a child has to be 12 or older to watch on their own/with friends, but younger children can watch it with an adult. It is for the adult to decide if it is suitable for that child, as most children mature at different rates, have different personalities in terms of how sensitive they are, etc. As long as the adult is prepared to leave (if at a cinema) or switch it off (if watching at home) if the child doesn’t like it or gets upset (then uses that to make a judgement call about the next movie) then I couldn’t get worked up about that. But our youngest has been watching the Marvel movies since probably 6 years old because his older brothers (and his Dad) loved them, and even I got into them too! For any new releases though, we would never go to see them on opening weekend, we would wait until we could get reviews online about its suitability for a younger audience (how much violence, anything more than occasional, mild swearing, any nudity/sex scenes, any behaviours or attitudes from the heroes I wouldn’t want to see exhibited by my kids such as poor treatment of women, etc) - I would then call the local cinema when I knew it was a quiet time and ask for their opinion based on the audiences so far (if they’d said a lot of people left early with young children then that would be a no). Long winded way of saying there’s no issue with younger children watching 12 certificate films as long as it’s done responsibly!

I’ve voted YABU purely because you said it was your son that started talking about the case and your DH was correcting him on something. Surely it is better for your son to know the right information about something, than a loadof rubbish because you didn’t want the conversation?

Given your son had already been reading about it, it was highly likely he’d read (or would read) all of the gruesome details at some point anyway. This was a great opportunity for a really good talk with him about right and wrong, what his thoughts were on the case, the sentencing, etc. Maybe even a chance for you to have pointed out there was a lot of speculation at the time that being exposed to unsuitable content from a young age had contributed to the boys behaviour and ask your husband his thoughts on that - and say that’s one reason why you feel it is important for things to be age appropriate.

At 13 years old you are pretty much past the point of being able to censor everything your child hears and sees. So you need to work on being able to have open and honest conversations, so if he reads or watches something that upsets him or he finds disturbing, he will feel he can come and talk to you about it without worry about your reaction. Teach him about reputable sources of information. If a teenager wants to find something out, or watch something they shouldn’t, they will find a way! Whether that’s at school, at the library, with friends, on their phone when they’re out of the house or by asking you, his parents, is what you now need to decide is what you would prefer!

I did see some of your comments about when he was younger, and my vote does not apply to that - I voted purely on the current situation.

I think if you're DS already knew about the case from his own research (including wrong details), it's a bit of a pointless argument really. My DH desensitised my kids early to violence and I wasn't happy about it, eg. Watching UFC fights when they could walk in on him, lots of 12 cert Marvel when they were only 7 etc. However, it was different viewpoints and I am very sensitive to violence. My kids have grown up OK so it was just one less battle to choose to have. To be honest what they talk about at school and what some children have access to and then talk about, I think it's better to have very open communication going on so they can talk to you. I'm probably closer to your DH on this but it's not 'right' vs 'wrong', just what you think is better vs what he thinks is better

It's not censorship. Some stuff is inappropriate or gross and you don't say or do it around others. It's respect for those around you to not talk about things they might find distressing. For me there's even an element of respect for the little boy and his family not to talk about it breezily.

That case is particularly disturbing and I don't like to think about it as I find it upsetting. I sympathise with wanting to protect your children from it as long as you can.

I think your dh is—and always has—been abusing your child by exposing him to graphic images and discussions of violence and torture. Some people get off on that. Its just a different form of inappropriate quasi sexual abuse of a minor child. He has a creepy need to induct your child against your will into an obsessive interest in torture porn. The link between obsessive interest in violent scenes and stories of child abuse snd murder and real wirld violence is well known—the man who killed and raped thie mother and daughters in the recent case watched Andrew Tate obsessively befirehand. Rape, violence towards children and women, are all encoded in your dh’s parenting approach to your son i would leave over this although I think the harm has already been done to your innocent child.

There's a big trend for true crime content on tiktok so he may have watched videos there.

Why does your child know all of that stuff?! Don’t you have a handle on what he’s accessing online?! I suggest you sit your DH down and watch the channel 4 documentary “swiped”. Your DH is deluded if he thinks this isn’t having an impact on your child’s mental health.

I think If has unrestricted access to the internet, surely it makes no difference what your DH says to him? He can just Google it.

Plus also why do you get to decide what is discussed. Your DH is a parent too. You aren't the boss of everyone!

Honestly? He's 13 nit 3, and he's obviously interested having done research himself online, If he's read a lot of graphic detail that's incorrect online, it's better to correct that than just shut down the conversation imo. I was buying, reading and collecting all the "Murder Casebooks" at that age (a magazine series about serial killers), so I think it's an age when these things can become interesting.

If he's didn't want to know and hasn't brought it up that would be a different story.

Plus he's going to look it up online anyway. Or read about it in books. Better subjects (however difficult) are broached and discussed at home where information can be corrected and ethical issues raised where appropriate rather than have a "we don't discuss that issue/topic" attitude.

DS should have an awareness of news events but in an age appropriate way.

But he has access to all the information he wants online. Do you control his internet use?