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Original poster

To take new man to late DH's favourite place?

60 replies

Holidayfix · 13/03/2025 18:30

Well it was our favourite place, we went there several times a year before DC and at least once a year for family holidays with DC, but DH introduced me to it as it had been special from his childhood. A beautiful place in UK where we hiked and did other outdoor stuff.

I thought I'd never go back without him and I haven't yet.

I also thought I'd probably stay single forever, but that's changed too and I find myself all wrapped up with a lovely man who's keen to share my interests. He's not a hiker but knows I love it and wants to go with me.

We could of course hike somewhere else , but I find myself excited to show him all my/our favourite spots. He probably thinks it's precious becuase of family holidays more than for us as a couple, but it's both. I have been hiking elsewhere alone since DH died.

If it makes a difference, this wouldn't be our first or only holiday together, an "extra" short break.

So, disrespectful to take him where all my special times with DH were? Or just too plain difficult once I get there?

And then there's this, that I know is unreasonable. Should I offer him all DH's old gear? I suspect he won't want it, but it will cost £££ to kit him out properly and I have all this stuff going to waste. But if he does take it, I'll be away with new man, wearing DH clothes in DH's special place...

OP posts:
TourangaLeila · 13/03/2025 18:39

How longs it been op?

Frostykitty · 13/03/2025 18:39

I'm a massive believer in life going on, but I think I'd go back either alone, or with your children first. You don't know what memories it might trigger, and it could be very emotionally confusing.

Looking back is so important for grief, but this relationship might be about moving forwards, if that makes sense?

Original poster
Holidayfix · 13/03/2025 18:38

Gundogday · 13/03/2025 18:37

I think it will feel awkward and emotional when you get there. Part of the reason it was special was because it was with dh. Also, will the kids feel you’re replacing their dad by going to this place.

Can you make new memories with this man elsewhere, and maybe further down the line revisit this place. Not when it’s still a new relationship.

i don’t think it’s disrespectful, as such ‘(no one owns a place) but maybe too soon.

The "kids" now adults are actually quite keen to come with us if I'm paying which has surprised me.

OP posts:
Gundogday · 13/03/2025 18:37

I think it will feel awkward and emotional when you get there. Part of the reason it was special was because it was with dh. Also, will the kids feel you’re replacing their dad by going to this place.

Can you make new memories with this man elsewhere, and maybe further down the line revisit this place. Not when it’s still a new relationship.

i don’t think it’s disrespectful, as such ‘(no one owns a place) but maybe too soon.

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/03/2025 18:37

I think you’re setting both of you up for failure a bit. If he doesn’t love the place as much as you hoped, I’d doesn’t respond in the same way your DH used to to all your favourite bits - likely, being that he’s not even really into hiking - you’re very possibly going to find that upsetting or dismissive of somewhere that’s special to you. It stands to damage how you feel about him, over something he has no control over.

Original poster
Holidayfix · 13/03/2025 18:37

Gliblet · 13/03/2025 18:35

The only people who can tell you if that would be inappropriate are you, your new chap, and possibly any children or close relatives who might be spectacularly freaked out by bumping into him dressed in your late DH's clothes. Are you able to be honest with him about how hard you might find it once you get there, and is he able to be supportive and sympathetic if you walk all the way there and then have to walk back in silence? And are you able to do that without ending up blaming him for how you feel in that moment?

I think he would be fine if I had a wobble. He was lovely when I was struggling around DH's birthday, cancelled plans to be with me at the same time as allowing me space if I wanted it.

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/03/2025 18:35

Life goes on, OP. Only you know how your new partner will feel about this. If it’s going to depress you to revisit , don’t go, no point in weeping over the old in front of the new. If the memories will be happy and give you happiness you can share, that would be great.

Personally, I’d ease into it. Go hiking, but not there. Maybe offer him walking sticks or rucksacks ( as you can see this is not my specialist subject) but the second hand clothes would be weird.

Gliblet · 13/03/2025 18:35

The only people who can tell you if that would be inappropriate are you, your new chap, and possibly any children or close relatives who might be spectacularly freaked out by bumping into him dressed in your late DH's clothes. Are you able to be honest with him about how hard you might find it once you get there, and is he able to be supportive and sympathetic if you walk all the way there and then have to walk back in silence? And are you able to do that without ending up blaming him for how you feel in that moment?

Original poster
Holidayfix · 13/03/2025 18:34

ToKittyornottoKitty · 13/03/2025 18:33

Taking him there isn’t disrespectful. But you haven’t been back yourself and this is for first break with this guy, so personally I wouldn’t put him in DHs gear and take him there, I’d pick somewhere new with new guy and maybe save this sentimental trip for later down the line. This is a lot to put in a first trip and risks harming your memories there if it doesn’t work out with the new guy

No, it's not our first trip together, we've had several weekends away and 2 longer holidays

I agree about the clothes though.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 13/03/2025 18:33

Taking him there isn’t disrespectful. But you haven’t been back yourself and this is for first break with this guy, so personally I wouldn’t put him in DHs gear and take him there, I’d pick somewhere new with new guy and maybe save this sentimental trip for later down the line. This is a lot to put in a first trip and risks harming your memories there if it doesn’t work out with the new guy