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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Text cheating at start of relationship

135 replies

Pandolly · 13/03/2025 15:19

Been with my partner 6 months. They've always been great, respectful, gentle, kind, loving.
I found out a few days ago, that 5 weeks into the relationship, they had text my sibling with some flirty messages with a few sexual innuendos. It occurred only at this time, and not since, and not with anyone else that I know of.

I am extremely hurt and at the moment am unsure if the relationship can continue. I don't know if I can build back the trust that has been broken.

They appear regretful, have profusely apologised and even shed tears saying they don't want to lose me.
I asked why they did it. They said they were just really stupid, that they were going through a tough family situation (which is true) and made a stupid choice. But is this all sincere, I don't know now as the trust is broken and I find myself questioning things.

I suppose I'm after outside views on this situation.
Would you forgive and give them another chance?
Would it be a firm no?
Have you found yourself in the same situation?

I've asked for some space to try and gather my thoughts.

So AIBU, and can people really make a genuine mistake, never to repeat it?
Or AINBU and this is likely to happen again?

OP posts:
StrawberryDream24 · 13/03/2025 15:35

To be honest- I think they weren't all that committed to you at the start and were trying to play the field, see what their options were .....they didn't get any other options, or none that they preferred, or they settled on you - for whatever reasons.

The point is ....they weren't honest about not being committed or exclusive, while they were happy to let you believe you both were, right?

Not a person of great integrity.

It being your siblings is just ....extra special shitiness.

GiveMeSpanakopita · 13/03/2025 15:33

StrawberryDream24 · 13/03/2025 15:31

They said they'll spend their life trying to prove to me that I can trust them again and try to fix what they've

How hyperbolic.

It's not just hyperbolic, it's a further red flag for me (the flirty texts being the first).

Lovebombing and emotional blackmail.

Get rid, OP!

Bluenotgreen · 13/03/2025 15:33

Nope. Dump.

StrawberryDream24 · 13/03/2025 15:31

They said they'll spend their life trying to prove to me that I can trust them again and try to fix what they've

How hyperbolic.

StrawberryDream24 · 13/03/2025 15:31

They said they were just really stupid, that they were going through a tough family situation (which is true) and made a stupid choice.

If their response to tough things in life is to try to flirt and cheat (?) with their new partner's siblings ...... They should probably stay out of relationships and do a huge amount of work on themselves before they get into another one.

But anyway, I don't think I believe that.

Think of all the other ways you could respond to the situation/deal with the stress......what would most people do? Lean on family and friends? Get counselling? Lean on their partner?

But this person flirts with other people while on a relationship, and actually her/his new partner's sibling?.

I wouldn't really call that a typical response to stress or upset.

More like they're giving a sub story in the hope they'll get leniency.

They're just a chancer. And lacking basic integrity.

And as I said, if that truly is their response to stress, upset etc. ...... Maybe they're not a great person to be in a relationship with (?)

Original poster
Pandolly · 13/03/2025 15:29

I've hardly eaten or slept since I found out. It's really knocked the breathe out of me.
I love them, our relationship was going so well. I really never saw this coming.

They said they'll spend their life trying to prove to me that I can trust them again and try to fix what they've done.

OP posts:
Justme2023123 · 13/03/2025 15:27

I just couldn't, @Pandolly. Not when it involves a family member.

Original poster
Pandolly · 13/03/2025 15:25

Justme2023123 · 13/03/2025 15:22

It would be a no for me. How did your sibling respond? Why didn't they tell you about the messages?

They didn't flirt back, however they did continue conversing with my partner, rather than shut it down.
Their defence for keeping it quiet was 'I didn't want to cause trouble and you were happy'.
I have seen a message from my sibling to my partner saying 'probably best we don't tell Pandolly'.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 13/03/2025 15:23

Your SIBLING?! I might be able to forgive this if it was someone else they'd met on a dating app or whatever. But your sibling?!

Justme2023123 · 13/03/2025 15:22

It would be a no for me. How did your sibling respond? Why didn't they tell you about the messages?