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AIBU?

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Original poster

Text cheating at start of relationship

135 replies

Pandolly · 13/03/2025 15:19

Been with my partner 6 months. They've always been great, respectful, gentle, kind, loving.
I found out a few days ago, that 5 weeks into the relationship, they had text my sibling with some flirty messages with a few sexual innuendos. It occurred only at this time, and not since, and not with anyone else that I know of.

I am extremely hurt and at the moment am unsure if the relationship can continue. I don't know if I can build back the trust that has been broken.

They appear regretful, have profusely apologised and even shed tears saying they don't want to lose me.
I asked why they did it. They said they were just really stupid, that they were going through a tough family situation (which is true) and made a stupid choice. But is this all sincere, I don't know now as the trust is broken and I find myself questioning things.

I suppose I'm after outside views on this situation.
Would you forgive and give them another chance?
Would it be a firm no?
Have you found yourself in the same situation?

I've asked for some space to try and gather my thoughts.

So AIBU, and can people really make a genuine mistake, never to repeat it?
Or AINBU and this is likely to happen again?

OP posts:
HadtoExclude · 14/03/2025 08:08

OMGJuat read the screen shots. Your sibling has deflected a lot so seems neutral ie not part of it. They however are a massive sleaze.
Drop like a stone! Today xxx

Original poster
Pandolly · 14/03/2025 08:06

StrawberryDream24 · 14/03/2025 07:49

Is he Italian or of Italian origin?

Show quote history

Yes, half.

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 14/03/2025 08:06

@Pandolly jeeze no way ! Family members ( especially sister ) and best friends are just no go areas to any decent person.

It’s only been 6mths and this is too close to home to ever be normal .

It would be over for me.

HadtoExclude · 14/03/2025 08:02

DeedlessIndeed · 13/03/2025 16:09

Ew, sorry I could not continue a relationship knowing a partner was attracted to, and went sniffing around my sister.

Yes "sniffing around your sister" is exactly what they've done! You've nailed it! 👌
OP Big.red.flag. Drop like a stone.
Also, your Sister. She hasn't got your back either. A true sibling would immediately flag this up with you instead of watching slyly from the sidelines when she knew exactly what he was like.
You need to have a long chat with her about appropriate sibling behaviour. She will have to prove herself as loyal now but I'd keep an eye on her in future.
Be thankful they've shown you who they are early on.
Do what you know deep in your heart is the right thing.
You can do MUCH better than this. Fact.

StrawberryDream24 · 14/03/2025 08:00

Pandolly · 14/03/2025 07:03

Thanks for all taking the time to share your views.

Some answere to questions.

I was with my children's other parent for several years, and been split up for several years now. Children are all primary school age. I've remained single during their early years to concentrate on being a good parent and on myself.

I started tentatively dating last summer and had a couple of no's before meeting current person. We hit it off straight away.
The reason they have not yet met the children is just down to wanting to tread slowly so as not to confuse the children. They know the person as 'parents friend' and speak on the phone occasionally, just hellos, talk about how school was.

My sibling lives in another part of the country, we aren't close.

The messages were over 1 conversation. Conversations before and after were 'normal'. I will share some with you to show exactly what was said. Couldn't care less if either of them see it tbh.

Well op you've tried to do everything in a measured, sensible way ....not rushing into a new relationship, not introducing your children quickly...... unfortunately the first person you've really clicked with has turned out to have this side.

If you continue to be sensible & wise, and to protect yourself and your kids; I think you know the route to take.
Not everybody you get involved with is going to pan out into a good long term relationship.
It's painful but ...

(And your sibling is partly to blame for how painful it is, though I think their motives for not telling you were probably not all bad. They maybe just thought they'd get blamed and you wouldn't end it with him. They said you seemed very happy and maybe they're being honest in saying they didn't want to wreck that (even if it wasn't really them wrecking it)).

Anyway this is a glaring red flag in a relationship.

His excuses don't fly. Boohoo I was going through a hard time so I came onto your sister, with a cheesy (no pun intended) suggestive convo about food.

I agree with the poster who said maybe he's good at mirroring etc. His messages when caught are certainly full of manipulation.

StrawberryDream24 · 14/03/2025 07:51

What was his pretext for messaging her if she lives quite far away and they'd only met once (or a small number of times)?

StrawberryDream24 · 14/03/2025 07:49

Pandolly · 14/03/2025 07:28

So as you can see, it's not outright coming onto them, but it's literally turning everything into something along sexual lines.
It makes me feel sick. But I'm equally annoyed that my sibling continues the conversation rather than shut it down. Then chose not to tell me about it for 5 months.

Is he Italian or of Italian origin?

DingDingRound3 · 14/03/2025 07:46

I think your sibling ignored it. That’s a tough call on them.

Your BF is a bit grim. I’d just cringe at him and it would die its own death.

crumpet · 14/03/2025 07:36

Pandolly · 13/03/2025 17:05

I appreciate everyone's views, even if they're not what I want to hear at the moment.
Sometimes the truth is uncomfortable 😕

I think I'm so so hurt because I've never been betrayed like this before. I've had the usual shit relationships with lies and stuff, but never one where I've cared so much about the person and then found out about such deceit.

How can a person be so perfect but has done this. I can't wrap my head around it. I genuinely felt I'd found the person I'd be with forever. I feel a part of it with my sibling is jealousy, they showed their dislike to me being in a relationship from the start, yet did this and I can only think it was from a jealousy point and they liked the attention.

Why are you blaming your sibling? He did the flirting, your sibling didn’t flirt back, and also tried to protect you (not that I agree with it)

Iwannakeepondancing · 14/03/2025 07:35

The beginning of the relationship is when it’s amazing and the honeymoon period. The fact they were already doing this is worrying plus your sibling should have told you then, what a snake!

R053 · 14/03/2025 07:33

That’s a very over promising, manipulative message in my opinion.

Also, I don’t understand how someone who is having a hard time would engage in flirting outside of their relationship. Usually when you have a hard time, you go quiet, cry, become depressed, sleep a lot (or not able to sleep), don’t eat (or comfort eat). You don’t flirt!

I suspect this person is particularly good at mirroring you, telling you what they think you want to hear. And you obviously feel very connected to him. But yet there is a small voice in your head that’s telling you something is not quite right. It’s important to listen to it. The other posters are right, 6 months is very early on and it’s not long enough to get to know anyone. Most people in new relationships are usually on their best behaviour in the first few months anyway and it’s only several months in that you start to get to know them past their presenting persona.

bifurCAT · 14/03/2025 07:31

A few weeks into a relationship, maybe. It's not ideal, but you're still testing the water, not putting all your eggs in one basket, etc. You may or may not have had the exclusivity talk yet (I know, stupid, it should go without saying). Yeah, that I could possibly forgive, but longer than that, and with your sister, no.

Original poster
Pandolly · 14/03/2025 07:28

So as you can see, it's not outright coming onto them, but it's literally turning everything into something along sexual lines.
It makes me feel sick. But I'm equally annoyed that my sibling continues the conversation rather than shut it down. Then chose not to tell me about it for 5 months.

OP posts:
Poonu · 14/03/2025 07:20

Gross. The ick has set in. Set your sights higher OP. They're only sorry because they got caught.

BansheeOfTheSouth · 14/03/2025 07:19

Pandolly · 14/03/2025 07:07

This was the main part of the conversation. There was a bit more, but this gives you an idea on the sort of language and words used.

Dump him. Turning everything into an innuendo, is pure sleaze. He's not a perfect, wonderful person at all. He's disgusting.

It does look like your sister ignored it.

There is no way that he is not doing this with other women.

Zenana · 14/03/2025 07:11

ItGhoul · 13/03/2025 16:28

I'm far too old fashioned for this "they" shit. Maybe it's just me but it makes it so much harder for me to actually get to the crux of the issues.

Why? Regardless of the genders of the people involved, one person flirted with their partner's sibling. What difference does it make what gender any of those people are? All women, all men, or any combination of women and men - it makes no difference to what actually happened.

99% sure it's a bloke. Can't imagine a woman doing this.

Original poster
Pandolly · 14/03/2025 07:07

This was the main part of the conversation. There was a bit more, but this gives you an idea on the sort of language and words used.

Text cheating at start of relationship
Text cheating at start of relationship
OP posts:
Original poster
Pandolly · 14/03/2025 07:03

Thanks for all taking the time to share your views.

Some answere to questions.

I was with my children's other parent for several years, and been split up for several years now. Children are all primary school age. I've remained single during their early years to concentrate on being a good parent and on myself.

I started tentatively dating last summer and had a couple of no's before meeting current person. We hit it off straight away.
The reason they have not yet met the children is just down to wanting to tread slowly so as not to confuse the children. They know the person as 'parents friend' and speak on the phone occasionally, just hellos, talk about how school was.

My sibling lives in another part of the country, we aren't close.

The messages were over 1 conversation. Conversations before and after were 'normal'. I will share some with you to show exactly what was said. Couldn't care less if either of them see it tbh.

OP posts:
GreatTheCat · 13/03/2025 21:47

It was your sister fgs! Don't ever trust him again. Leave him.

MrsBreadPitt · 13/03/2025 21:14

Did you see the texts? How bad were they? Not trying to minimise but were they full on sexting or just treading inappropriately close to the line?

If you truly feel that strongly for each other and he was genuinely remorseful and not just guilty he'd been found out, I might consider whether it were possible to have therapy and see if you could rebuild. But that would depend on the nature of the messages, and his entire attitude now.

outerspacepotato · 13/03/2025 21:13

Sorry, that's just a steaming pile of garbage.🙄It's all about them and their feelings and what they did for you, nothing about how wrong they were to try to hook up with your sibling. Genuine my ass.

IlooklikeNigella · 13/03/2025 21:09

I'm sorry OP because I know you're mad about him but there really and truly is no justification for this. Just walk away with your head high. Pretty pathetic behaviour from your sibling too.

BCBird · 13/03/2025 21:03

I would not want to continue the relationship. I think ur sibling should have shut the conversation down.

BansheeOfTheSouth · 13/03/2025 20:59

They've never met your children @Pandolly, they absolutely do not care about them. Or you.

That message is entirely manipulative. They are only sorry you found out.

You deserve better than a liar and cheat.

Tell them to stop contacting you. Block them. Spend the weekend with your children doing fun things and the evenings taking care of yourself. Put on some dumb romcom and have a bloody good cry if that's what you need. Or Single White Female and realise they definitely are not the perfect person they pretended to be.

gano · 13/03/2025 19:46

I couldn't forgive this. It's not some random person they messaged, it's your sibling! That's hard to come back from, and I dont think I could do it.