Daughter isolated in new city with new boyfriend who won’t go home

I think an unannounced visit is in order OP

Not to read her the riot act but to be as normal as possible and just say you wanted to come and see her

Everything you've described would make me worry...even if it's not something serious eg drugs, the fact the relationship is SO intense & isolating for your daughter while she's at university- this is most definitely IMO not a good thing!

This is exactly what I think too OP, she's in too deep and needs you to intervene and give her an out.

This!!! Isn’t it obvious? Sounds to me like he’s getting her hooked on drugs…. I would surprise…. And get police involved. He might be wanted.

I would be turning up asap and chucking him out. I have had to do it a couple of times for my DD when her friends won’t leave our home and she’s always very thankful. I can read her though.

He’s bleeding her dry and I would not be paying for that. While his situation is shit she needs to put herself first.

She's a vulnerable adult. Report your concerns to student wellbeing and state that he is living in her accommodation (halls) pretty much full time. If nothing else the licence will contraindicate that and security/acco services will intervene and remove him. No need for them to know you reported it.

I'd go there and do something nice with her and quietly suss out the Situation.
I would be very clear that she is there primarily to study and you are financing that. If she continues to miss lectures you will cut her off.
Oh and if course they are shagging like rabbits! I hope she isn't pregnant

You need to go with no advance notice so they can't hide anything.

I agree with the drugs concerns.

Also I'd be surprised if he is actually 23/24 - there's obviously something he's hiding by refusing to even give an awkward wave hello on facetime.

I agree with this. Don’t give her prior warning. Just turn up and knock on her door. Ideally you want to give him a bit of a fright by just showing up.

I agree. And as non identifying as this thread is, I would be both mortified and livid if I'd found out my mum had been posting about my private life online.

A normal, decent guy would never move himself into his Gfs flat, something is very wrong if he doesn't actually live there and won't go back to his place, he sounds like an abusive cocklodger. You need to get your DD away from him and talk to her about what is actually happening, hopefully she'll tell you if she needs help to leave.

One hundred percent this.

I’m genuinely very very concerned for your dd. It all sounds wrong…shared uni housing is breach of contract. Not attending classes breach of contract with you and risk of failing classes. Surely you aren’t paying for her to sit in her room??? Won’t show his face…hiding something. Won’t go home….weird and actually abusive to your dd. She needs her space her concentration unimpaired to succeed. I would literally withdraw my dd from classes if this was happening to her. He won’t follow her home and try to live with you. She’s there for an education not this BF. Using c word…low class nasty foul language. Not going to school …he’s a loser. Serious health problems….not your not her problems. Teach her to raise her bar and seek a more mutually educated goal oriented bf who will raise her up. And 👷‍♀️for me…don’t have her work in a bar. Surely she can find other work besides a bar…drunks drugs being groped propositioned and this guy. Tell her to get a job in campus there will
be plenty come fall.
get her out of there even if you have to withdraw from classes before he gets her pregnant .
I should add…I’m American and under
no circumstances do I consider an 18 y.o uni student to be an adult entitled to privacy and to make her/ his own decisions. I would be all over this shit show

I would be on my way there now. I wouldn't let her know I was coming, just turn up.
I am normally in favour of letting children be independent when they leave home for uni but in this instance the situation you are describing is very worrying.
There is no point in taking university timetables into account if she is not attending anymore.
I am not sure what type of course she is doing but I would imagine she is at risk of failing if she has stopped attending classes and labs.

I may be in the minority but this may not be as bad as you think it is. It could be, but it might not.

I met a guy on my first night at Uni and he ended up pretty much living in my halls with me within a few weeks. It sounds mad thinking back about it now I'm in my 40s, but I actually quite enjoyed it at the time. I'm not a huge friendship group person so I enjoyed having someone around without having to be typically sociable. I also had a couple of good friends who were on my course that I saw most days. He had loads of friends having just graduated from the same uni so he widened my social circle a bit. I don't think my Mum has a clue just how much time he spent in my halls and she definitely wouldn't have liked it.

The difference is, I never missed a lecture. I did notice he was eating a lot of my food at one stage so I cut that right down. I also never missed out on going out with my other friends because of him. We broke up early into the 2nd year and both moved on with our lives, no harm done. I don't think I felt tired once at that age. I often stayed up until the very early hours, then had lectures, rinse and repeat and was never affected by any of it. Now I'm a mess if I stay up past 11pm!

Run, OP, run. Run to your daughter.

This whole thing absolutely stinks of drugs. He is taking drugs for his ‘constant pain’ which is why he can’t get it up. Your kid is funding his habit.

I would go quicker he’s moved himself in and she is perhaps funding him. Look at coercive control and see if it applies. The moving in and not leaving is ringing alarm bells. At her age she may think their relationship is normal as she doesn’t have anything to compare it to.

As others have said, don’t show her this thread, you really don’t need to and it really won’t help.

Has she made friends since she’s been there? Was she going out or hanging out with people before she met this guy? I’d be really concerned that not only is she missing classes she’s isolated herself from everyone around her.

This was my immediate reaction.

Not leaving the room & not having sex? What are they doing? gaming? Using heroin? I have reminded my DC exactly how much each lecture costs & cost of missing it. I know they can re-watch on video but really !!!

She is there for her education, if this guy is telling her “you don’t need it” “waste of time” then he needs to fuck off. He’s dragging her down.

Be sure you take the both out together, before you take out on her in her own. You can get an idea about him and find out if he is the problem or if your daughter has issues w going out.

If she’s in halls, any friends she has made are long gone if this guy has moved in.

Good luck and remember to APPEAR be the kind and want to get to know him mum, you want him to feel comfortable & tell you all about how great he is…. And for maybe him to offend you. So your daughter can see he’s a creep.

he speaks, but refuses to be seen by me on face time

Ask her to check his driver's license or passport. It's coming across like he's lied about his age and he knows you'll clock this when you see him on camera.

It feels like staying on the 360 thing is a way of her WANTING you to know that something is up. She knows you can see that she hasn't left her room in 48 hours, despite the busy schedule she also knows you know about. I think she is giving permission for a rescue operation?

I wouldn’t be surprised if a parent of one of the housemates hasn’t started a thread asking for advice re what her DD should say to the OP’s DD to get this weirdo out of their home!

Somethings not quite right - you need to go check it out!

You're proud that she wants to help this man have somewhere safe to live and glad she's found someone she's happy with but are also concerned she feels responsible for him and is giving up too much of herself.

Don’t say this. Don’t play into his narrative.

Oh how worrying op. I don't think any of the possible explanations are good here. I'm glad you are going up to see her, it sounds like she needs you. x