Daughter isolated in new city with new boyfriend who won’t go home

He is using her. You don't know if anything he says is true at all. I'd suprise her when she should be at university, then ask why she's skipping. I'd explain this boyfriend shouldn't be sleeping over, and that she'll end up getting kicked off her university course. If she does, then I wouldn't send her Amy more money. She'll either go full time or come home, if she does the latter make it clear he is not welcome.

She's going to sabotage herself big time - she'll risk disciplinary over not going to lectures and her course work will suffer. How is she making or maintaining friendships with him smothering her? And presumably she's in halls or a houseshare and I doubt the people she lives with are happy he's moved in - she risks alienating them or breaking her living agreement.

Putting aside the clear control and smothering aspect, she's about to derail her education and independence opportunity. Definitely needs careful interventionAl!

I would be doing an unannounced check. Turn ur 360 off when u leave. At least u will see the real situation, and how she is living.

Time for a surprise visit!

I’m not trying to fear monger but when I read about Kyle Clifford talking with Carol Hunt at the door and she allowing him into the home I thought would I do that? Would I have let this ex bf into my house to see/ talk with/ my dd??? and I can say no F*cking way. Kyle might have killed Louise at another time but the entire home/ family was made very vulnerable by this simple accommodating but lethal mistake. Op your dd home is invaded. Her safety could be at risk or it could just be a sloppy over the top clingy relationship with a sad guy who really doesn’t have anywhere else to go but you won’t know until you go there yourself. Please go now
and please update MN when you can

OP, I really don’t want to sound harsh & pls forgive me if I do but why did you need to start a thread to ask others?? Have alarm bells not been ringing in your head since this ‘man’ has come on the scene?!?

You know your daughter so why the delay??

If I was you the minute I found out me & my husband would have been there like a shot. When things don’t add up and are concerning I follow my instincts. I don’t wait around for complete strangers to point out the obvious.

Sorry you don’t mention a husband or partner but is there a male member you can take with you? Only because you can use the excuse of them getting to know each other & you then get time with your daughter. If he tries to ask where you are taking your daughter say it’s a surprise.

One thing I would do though is to try & leave her phone in her room so he can’t contact her while you are together. Otherwise he won’t stop messaging her.

It’s time to find everything out about him but do it first in a gentle way so when you start asking specifics she doesn’t realise and is just happy telling you all about him.

Her accommodation, is she in Halls?? If so can you speak to Student Services & raise your concerns about him to them? He isn’t a student so is not permitted to stay.

Good luck OP x

Alert the student services to the problem, ask for a welfare check, as they probably won’t act on your concerns.
If in halls, you can ask Security to keep an eye on her, I did this for my daughter in her first year, as they had a drug dealing very posh boy in her shared flat.

Also I agree with visiting as soon as you can, as I was pretty much trapped by a local boyfriend when I was a first year, he stole a lot of my money, hit me, broke my things.
Dragged me by the hair and head butted me once.
My friend saved me by booking us both into emergency accommodation at the Uni, to get away from him.

I owe her a lot xx

Turn your life 360 off when you are travelling and surprise her. Do not burst in saying you’re worried etc until you’ve had chance to speak privately.

Is she in halls? If so, he should not be there, and I’d report the situation to the university. He needs to be gone. I have a 24 year old DS and if he tried to move in with a woman her age I’d hit the roof.

She is vulnerable due to her age and living so far away from home for the first time.

Nope, she sounds like an 18 yr old 'carer', if you have a good relationship then you need to chat about unhealthy relationships.

@Feelingabitconfused The last sentence here.

EXACTLY my thoughts.

( I have experience of drug users - addiction- and this was a major Red flag, as it the ability to sit about all day.

Don’t show your daughter this thread, for goodness sakes-

Show up unannounced.

I was exploited by an older man as a 17 yr old.

It didn’t end well.
Rescue her if you can .

Not having sex when they share a single bed and haven't left the flat for 2 days? I mean, this whole thing sounds like every parent's nightmare. Get up there as soon as possible OP and I wish you a good outcome.

She's a vulnerable adult because a man six years older than her may be coercing her emotionally and financially. It meets the safeguarding definition.

as a 'relative' you can ask for a Claires Law search to be done by the police. Which I'd definitely start in conjunction with doing a 'suprise' visit. If you have mutual location tracking and do decide to pay a visit I think I'd be tempted to turn it off at your end so that she (and he) can't be prepared when you turn up.

I agree with pps.
So many alarm bells here.
First time away from home, first serious boyfriend, who's moved himself in 24/7.
Lack of money, skipping lectures, exhausted constantly.
Due to lack of experience your daughter could be mistaking a man wanting to be with her 24/7 and isolating her from friends/flatmates as love.
It's very controlling behaviour and I would strongly suspect drugs are involved.

I would tread carefully here OP.It does seem a very worrying situation to me ,but you dont want alienate her .Maybe do go up there but say "Im coming Saturday or whatever .When there say "Hi Steve,hope youre doing OK" Take DD out for an afternoon ,and assess the situation. I know you will want to throw her in the car ,but be patient and dont spook her ,she will go running to him otherwise .Do speak to the Uni welfare officer .

I'd be up there at the first opportunity and bringing my largest male relative with me. He is leeching off a naive 18 year old and stuffing up her university career (which you are funding).

This is not a time for softly softly.

I can see why this is tempting but I'd bet the farm that if the OP made that ultimatum then the bf would suddenly decide that home with abusive parents (apparently) wasn't really that bad after all and take DD with him. possibly cutting off the OPs access to her or certainly making it difficult.

I'd be wondering if she is already pregnant, and that's why she's so tired, and not leaving her flat. Could be possible she does indeed have an appointment on the 20th...for an abortion or a scan.

OP, I think in a scenario like this not very much would surprise me. There's more to it, and I don't believe for a second that he's actually 24. I bet he's older and as pp have said, that's why he's not showing his face. Whatever is going on, pregnancy, drugs, or simply a cuckoo in the nest, he's bad news and needs to be gone. I'd be up there like a shot, and I'd not wait for the weekend. He'll make himself scarce if he knows you're coming, I'd bet my bottom dollar. Turn up unannounced so you can see the situation clearly.

April? April? Go NOW!

He sounds like he could be a billy bullshitter/emotionally manipulative type. Dd had a bf a bit like this - I just told her my concerns and openly chatted with her about how I felt some of the things he said sounded manipulative and how she didn't owe him a relationship etc. When she tried to finish with him he'd start going on about his parents divorce and his bad childhood etc.

I just tried to get her to recognise her boundaries and be firm about what she expects in a relationship - when she told me some of the things he did that upset her I talked it through with her and asked her what she'd say to a friend or her younger sister etc. She finished with him recently thankfully and seems much happier.

Just keeping lines of communication open and letting her know she can tell you anything (which it sounds like she does) is key.

But yes I'm another one who'd be going straight down there to see for myself and meet this man.

Is she a vulnerable adult? I can't see where the op says this?

I think it is an excellent idea to contact pastoral care at the University.
They will have seen and heard it all and could give you solid advice.

@Feelingabitconfused This is appalling.
I think he is lying about being beaten like this , as well as being run over.

I’d be very suspicious about illegal drug use and him leeching of your daughter.
No sex yet??

Very suspicious.

She clearly doesn’t want you there which is alarming in itself.