Daughter isolated in new city with new boyfriend who won’t go home

Most uni accommodation won't allow them to have people there on this constant basis - when my dc were in halls they had to let the accommodation office know and I'm sure there were restrictions.

I'd be going asap and insisting on seeing her alone. If he doesn't go home I'd report it to the accommodation office. Her flatmates must be pissed off with it as well.

This. She has very likely bollocksed up this year, both academically and in terms of relationship building and developing as a person. She needs to be removed from the situation and the financial and academic consequences written off. I’d be going tonight if she was my dd.
If he’s 24 and in too much pain for sex then his bartending probably doesn’t pass muster either. Nor does hers if she is on drugs and won’t leave her room. What, exactly, do you think he will be asking your dd to do to fund his/their drug habit once the cash has run dry?

If they are not having sex then what are they doing all day, squashed in her single bed and sitting on the floor? The glaringly obvious answer is drugs.

Some great advice on here OP, particularly regarding her accommodation. Is she in uni run halls of res and are they single or mixed? If uni run then she will have a halls tutor and campus security - they won’t take kindly to an older non-student being present continuously. I’d be surprised if her flatmates haven’t complained. It may be that she’s incurring fines from them for having him there as it’s against the rules.
His unwillingness to appear on the calls also makes me think he’s older than 24.
Do you have a surname for him to be able to ask for a Claire’s Law check?
Agree with others on just turning up there under the guise of a surprise, that you thought she looked tired and might want cheering up and some dinner out. See how she reacts.

Go soon OP, I've seen this happen many times to young women with kind hearts. Please persuade her to break this off. Good luck

I wouldn't wait until April. I'd get in the car now.

Has she done a Claire's law check, might be worth considering

Is her dad going with you too? Might be good to have the benefit of numbers. I agree with arriving unannounced. Or say you'll come at the weekend but actually get there tomorrow.

I'm a full on no nonsense mum . I would be at her door telling him to go home. Asking why a 24 year old is living in a 18 year olds student accommodation.
Doesn't he have work ? A life ?
I would contact the uni and have a long talk with my daughter about controlling older men and how her education is more important.
Obviously she could then tell me just to leave and ignore me . But I would still do it .
It does sound like she has gotten in over her head with him

You’re doing the right thing - I would be worried by this relationship particularly if it’s disrupting her studies which will impact on the rest of her life. Think carefully about how to handle it all though, don’t alienate her.
Hope you can see her without him - shopping trip and lunch? My kids tell me all sorts of over lunch/dinner that they may not have at other times - it’s really amazes me at times!
Good luck!

He sounds like a drug abuser. I’d worry that he has introduced your daughter to drugs to make her dependent on him especially since she is now short of money when she wasn’t before. .

Dont keep paying for everything if she’s not going to her lectures.

Remind her that you’re paying for her education and that is conditional.

He might scarper when the money you send and the accommodation are both gone.

My guess is you are unwittingly enabling this.

Noooo

He sounds sketchy as hell. In pain all the time apparently so I'm betting he's addicted to something that kills pain. Won't let you see him because you'd probably see he's a junkie. Your daughter's skint all the time even though she shouldn't be. I'd be getting down there asap because he's leaching off your daughter already and who knows what else he's getting her into

Yeah you can’t just move a boyfriend into halls. The university should have some sort of residential team who deal with accommodation related issues, she can contact them if he refuses to leave. The problem will be with getting her to want him to leave though i suspect

Agree.

Far too intense, far too much, far too quick.

Lots of flags going up, OP. That's also a big age gap for a girl who hasn't had a boyfriend before.

I'm sorry, I don't want to worry you, but I do think this is ringing bells about unhealthy dynamic at best.

The tricky thing is whether you are able to handle it without pushing her away. Your absolute priority is to maintain communication with her and let her know you are there for her.

Speaking as a recovered drug addict who survived toxic and abusive relationship, I would say that your OP set my spidey senses tingling. Not leaving her room, her being tired, his complaints of pain, living in relative squalor all suggest the involvement of substances to me. The boundary crossing and closeness exclusive to all other aspects of her life suggest coercion on his part.

He might be telling the truth about familial abuse, he might not. Being run over twice suggests he has substance problems to the extent that he has difficulty looking out for his own safety.

Go up there OP, unannounced, just turn up. ASAP.

I can’t add anything useful to the good advice you have had from PP’s @Feelingabitconfused. I just wanted to say I really feel for you. What an awful situation to be in such a worry for you. I hope it gets all gets resolved. I wish a few of us on here could have words with the little shit. Using your daughter like that.

Coercion - I think you have grounds for contacting the Uni welfare service ces whilst your up there visiting her. Surely they don't want a student to drop out.

Go to her today, like pretty much all PPs have said. I'd be worried too, all sorts of possibilities coming to mind and I would want answers. What on earth does she give as the reason for skipping lectures? Create an excuse for you to have to stay at hers for a few days, whatever it takes to help her.

Sounds like a cuckoo.

is he actually 24, or older?

Is she in Uni halls? I think you need to visit her now. She's under heavy psychological pressure from him?

What a worry and glad you're going up there. I'm also thinking drugs from your descriptions of him & your daughter or he's just a horribly controlling cocklodger.

I wouldn't show this to your daughter but I would turn up and expect to be let into her room (maybe turn up laden with something big like a plant or new duvet that needs to go straight in to her room) and also be taking her out away from the boyfriend to properly get to the bottom of it all. Good luck op

Oh no, OP.. Yes, technically she's an adult and normally I'd say stay out of it, but this situation sure stinks to high heaven. He's clearly a liar and a cocklodger and that's maybe the best case scenario. Or a manipulative/abusive druggie. You should intervene. I would.

Grew up in a small town and there was a girl in a similar situation to this. We weren't friends, but did know each other. Slightly older than your DD, but also in uni. Smart, beautiful girl with great perspectives. Fell madly in love with a waste of space junkie, constantly on opioids. He was much older, jobless obviously, had his own flat, but it was a rundown drug den. He was some sort of 'musician', 'an artist', 'a misunderstood soul', apparently.

He didn't forbid her going to uni or leaving the room, but she dropped out eventually, got a manual job, working long hours to finance his drug habit. Got pregnant, had a baby with him. He tried to get clean, but didn't manage. I don't know what happened to them after that, they moved out of town. But even if nothing horrible, the situation still wasn't great, to put it mildly.

Sorry, this was in reply to the poster who said the OP should go up and tell DD to start studying or go home. Bloody phone didn't attach the quote for some reason.