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AIBU?

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Original poster

Daughter isolated in new city with new boyfriend who won’t go home

286 replies

Feelingabitconfused · 13/03/2025 13:11

Hi fellow Mumsnetters.

I’m not sure whether to voice my concerns, and if so, what I can say without alienating her.

My daughter started at University last October, 5 hours drive from where we live. She has been working in a bar to part fund herself and has met someone who also works there, now her boyfriend. This all started in January, all fine. He is her first serious boyfriend. My main concern is that he’s not been home AT ALL since they got together around 10 weeks ago. He is a local lad, lives with his parents and is nearly 24. They sleep in her very small single bed, they sit and eat their meals on her floor (I know!). Whenever we face time she’s absolutely knackered, yawning throughout the call, he speaks, but refuses to be seen by me on face time, and she’s recently saying she’s completely out of money. We give her £50 per week to buy food etc, we pay all her accommodation, and she works to have more £ for spends. She has at least £100 per week to live on including work money.

Recently she’s been skipping lectures and hasn’t been attending her seminars either. She spends whole days in her room, presumably with this chap. They appear to do nothing together, other than stay in her room.

I know they’re not having sex yet as we’ve discussed this, and she’s very open with me, seeking advice about contraception etc. She has a gp appointment on 20 March for this (she’s not had sex yet) but says she feels like he doesn’t want to have sex as he’s in pain all the time; apparently he’s been run over twice, which might account for his pain levels. Also of concern is that he’s telling her he was beaten up by his parents, held down by his mum so he could take the beating. I don’t know when the last time this happened/ what age he was when this happened to him, but could well account for his reluctance to go home.

I know she’s classed as an adult, being 18, but my feeling is that her boyfriend is almost 24, she’s isolated, somehow broke despite having £100 bare minimum per week, and sharing her very small space with someone who it appears to me, doesn’t want to go home.

I’ve booked a place to stay to go to see her at the start of April - she sent me a screenshot list of her lectures for March so we could plan the trip and there was absolutely no time for me to visit and see her as all lectures were 9-5. I can see on life 360 app she hasn’t moved out of her room for 2 days! She wants the life 360 btw, she said it keeps her safe and she likes to see what we’re doing too.

AIBU? She’s an adult, she has to make her choices and feel the consequences?
AINBU? Have a real discussion with her and voice my concerns?

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingabitconfused · 25/04/2025 11:04

Hi all. Thanks to those of you who expressed your kind concern. It’s been a lot. Update is that I visited daughter - planned and agreed, I’d never just turn up, and met her BF. For context, my girl is a really switched on 18y old, emotionally mature and knows what she wants for her future. Yes she is naive in terms of experience, but she has good instincts and I trust her.

Despite BF initially refusing to meet me at first arrangement, he did agree as I just kept offering options. She told me he wanted to make a really good first impression and because his stomach was unsettled, he didn’t want meet at holiday property initially. There is a very long story around this first meeting, but suffice to say, I “saw the whites of his eyes” and he seems ok. Once he relaxed after the 2nd meeting, I saw the depth of feeling he has for her and they are actually very cute together, despite my huge misgivings. I still have reservations, not least that he has a history of drug taking, which he’s “given up for her,” and which I think will continue to be to the forefront of my thoughts about him. She told me they had a long discussion as they were getting together and she told him it was a complete dealbreaker for her, that if he ever took drugs during their relationship, she would end it immediately, without any further ado. We have a family member who is estranged due to his drug abuse hence her strong feeling about this. He agreed to this and hasn’t done drugs since mid January ie when they got together.

They have not had sex yet - she wants to, we’ve spoken about contraception, which she is taking after GP appt, but BF has been reluctant; he is aware she is a virgin and that fact may be messing with his head. He appears to be a committed employee at the place they both work, turns up on time, works hard, which is a good sign to me. DD tells me he deals with customers fairly, never loses his rag, works hard. A loss of temper / control would ve a huge turn off / red flag to her.

I think, from what she has said, he has had a hard start in life and that may account for the poor decision making / lack of guidance / risk taking behaviour appears to have been a big factor. We will see.

I feel very uncomfortable that she is breaching her tenancy agreement in Halls and have spoken to her about this. I think the Uni is pretty lax on this, probably v difficult for them to police. It is very different to when I was a student - we could move freely between flats, and one of 300 students could knock on your bedroom door! Now flats are accessible only with a key card so only the 4 other students in her flat have access to their corridor / kitchen / bathroom. It’s been very limiting for her, as 2 of the 4 students sit in their rooms solo all day, won’t even say hello as they pass in the corridor, so she gave up trying to speak with them after Christmas. One boy had his GF over every day, leaves the kitchen in a tip, nicks her food, so there is only 1 other girl who she has made friends with in her flat and they’re going to house share next year. That’s been a big shame in my eyes, not having that experience of being part of a big group of young people. I suspect she is planning to share her room in the house with BF next year, which I have strongly warned her against, as if anyone complains, she can be kicked out, lose her / my deposit etc. Also, importantly, for sake of morale in the house she is sharing with 6 other girls, she needs to spend time with them, make friends, go out with them. If BF is present at all times, they will come to resent him being there, and could cause a schism in the house.

So pretty much up to date now. Oh and Uni work is going well, passing everything with good grades so far.

OP posts:
Blink53368865 · 14/04/2025 11:49

IMO The OP didn't come back to update as she has found her daughter was in fact into drugs.

As for the guy, he sounds like a cocklodger on strike if he is refusing to sleep with her even in the beginning

Bloodybrambles · 14/04/2025 11:34

Op, you must be worried sick but I was your DD once upon a time.

I was a fresher and my twenty-something boyfriend moved with me to uni. He came to visit me two weeks after I moved four hours away and then just stayed (also in my single bed). Similar kind of story, he was living with his dad after his mum had died but only letting him stay out of duty. Think he also had a dodgy knee so couldn’t do any physical work apparently. Supposedly he had been working (remotely) in our home town but jacked it in to move in with me.

We smoked a lot of weed, had sex numerous times a day and lived off takeaways or pasta. I loved the idea of finally having freedom away from my folks and thought that’s what all uni students were doing.

Fortunately my housemates complained to my landlord as he refused to split the bills so he was kicked out. I stupidly paid his first months rent in another student house.

I think we broke up in Easter as I said I was going home as I had plans/nobody around during the holidays. I think we had a row what would happen during the summer holidays as I wouldn’t be staying in said city as I wouldn’t be able to afford it/wanted to go travelling. There was also a lot of rowing because my parents were the ‘enemy’ to our happiness and me going back ‘home’ was leaving him out to dry.

I worked out I had wasted a grand on weed, was maxed out in my overdraft and this guy had leeched off me/stole my first year of uni. He had also played a lot of mental games (pretending to commit suicide when I dumped him) which I’ve always been weary of going forward.

It was a good life lesson. I never allowed another cocklodger to cross the threshold and set my bar a lot higher. Learnt to budget my money and I’ve never been in debt since. I stopped smoking weed and turned into your regular party uni student 😅

researchers3 · 14/04/2025 09:54

Doseofreality · 13/03/2025 13:47

Ran over twice, beaten up, He’s been involved with, or is involved with drugs and some very shady people.
I can guarantee it and I would be concerned that he has introduced your daughter to drugs as well. It all adds up, no money, looking exhausted and not leaving her room. It’s drugs, I’m telling you.

I thought this too.

ASimpleLampoon · 14/04/2025 09:46

I'd talk to student welfare about your concerns, if there is one. They might not be able to share info about her with you but you can with them. If you can visit more often than would be good too.

Pussycat22 · 14/04/2025 09:32

Is he actually homeless? I'd be frantic.x

RampantIvy · 14/04/2025 09:25

@Feelingabitconfused I hope your DD is OK.

Choconuttolata · 14/04/2025 09:22

I had something similar happen at Uni with an ex that I was with for months not weeks, he had his own place at the beginning then started staying with me more in halls. Then all of a sudden it was all the time, talking about moving in together. I was never allowed to see his place. Turned out he was an alcoholic, he had trauma from his mother dying when he was a child, it was his Dad's flat that he had let him stay in when his Dad moved in with his new girlfriend. His Dad had got rid of the flat because he wasn't staying there and because of the state he left it in and he didn't tell me this.

Luckily I was older than your DD and put my foot down and said no I was studying and needed my space plus it put my accomodation at risk because I was in halls. I broke it off. He moved in with his Dad and got help for his addiction.

Your DD is only 18, at her age I was not equipped to deal with something like this. It sounds like she needs an intervention and your support.

SheridansPortSalut · 14/04/2025 08:41

This is an old thread. Op never came back to update.

2JFDIYOLO · 14/04/2025 08:36

Of course they are having sex. She won't be telling you.

This is a six year age difference - she's barely an adult, he's six years older.

This screams coercive control and he's living off what little she has.

She's living in squalor. Is she allowed out?

Please contact the university and speak to student welfare. There should be a pastoral team there.

Please go and see her and spend time just at the two of them. Be very very careful.

She will probably say 'but I love him ...'

She may already be under the 'nobody else would want you but me' influence.

grownandflown.com/unhealthy-relationship-parents-help/

4forksache · 14/04/2025 08:27

So frustrating when you read the whole thread and then it just ends.
Even if you can’t give more details because it’s gone further, you could come back and acknowledge everyone’s advice

Toodaloo1567 · 14/04/2025 08:18

EarthSight · 13/03/2025 14:31

he speaks, but refuses to be seen by me on face time

Ask her to check his driver's license or passport. It's coming across like he's lied about his age and he knows you'll clock this when you see him on camera.

Or he’s known to the authorities for being a wrongun’ and doesn’t want OP to take a screenshot to the police proving his whereabouts.

Toodaloo1567 · 14/04/2025 08:11

Doseofreality · 13/03/2025 13:47

Ran over twice, beaten up, He’s been involved with, or is involved with drugs and some very shady people.
I can guarantee it and I would be concerned that he has introduced your daughter to drugs as well. It all adds up, no money, looking exhausted and not leaving her room. It’s drugs, I’m telling you.

Exactly my thoughts. OP needs to look up the phenomenon called ‘cuckooing’. The daughter has likely been introduced to drugs, too. This would explain the change of character, missing lectures etc. OP needs to visit and if she can’t, she needs to send a message to the uni halls housing officer, or to the mental health team so they can check in on her.

GeorgianaM · 14/04/2025 07:31

Not showing his face is weird. He's probably older and foreign.

Where's the father in all this? My husband would have been flown or driven at any hour to go up and feel his collar and chuck him out.

Mere1 · 14/04/2025 07:18

MissUltraViolet · 13/03/2025 13:22

If she’s been skipping lectures and seminars and hasn’t left her room for two days then why does her schedule matter? I’d be going tomorrow.

I also wouldn’t worry about having to ask for some alone time with her, I bet he disappears for your visit, whenever it is.

I’d be worried.

This.

Eastertidings · 14/04/2025 06:43

Claudia in my case because I don't check the date on things. If it's in active threads then I assume it's, well, active. I read all 3 of OPs posts, there's no update. I didn't read the rest so I've no idea if she came back with another name, but I think that ability has been stopped now.

claudiaswinklemen · 14/04/2025 03:47

Did op come back under a different name? Why are people replying like this didn’t happen a month ago?

Eastertidings · 14/04/2025 02:59

They're having sex. That's why she's so tired.

As he doesn't want his face on camera I'd be concerned he's older than 24, maybe even early 30s and knows you'll realise it.

The sob story about getting beaten up, that's to make her let him stay with her. He's 24 and working, if his parents are so awful he can move out into a flatshare or HMO.

Her having no money left when all she needs to spend £150/wk on is toiletries and food, she's either funding all their socialising or he's drinking/smoking it away. He could even be stealing from her if he's there alone when she's in lectures.

"In constant pain" sounds like an excuse for either giving up his job and sponging off her or an excuse to drink to excess/smoke cannabis all day and night.

No way is this a normal relationship, she's being exploited. It sounds like the early days of an abusive relationship. She's gone along with what he wants so far, as soon as she starts standing upto him or trying to assert her right to do something she wants, his true colours will show up even more.

If he's there all the time she'll end up alienating her flatmates and having nobody to share with next year because she's made no other friends or if she's staying in halls she's going to be breaking her terms to have someone else living there with her.

He's isolating her from everyone else, she's not out making friends and socialising which she should be in these early days and it'll set her behind that she's not. Everyone will find their tribe and she'll be left without one.

He's also directly or indirectly isolating her by keeping her from attending her course. Probably by his behaviour and actions rather than directly forbidding her to attend. Things like causing her to be too tired to get up for morning lectures, hassling her until she agrees to go out instead of finishing an assignment etc.

As she's in the thick of it she won't see any of this and may be thinking everything is her choice, unable to see the manipulation or the overall pattern of how he's taking over her life.

SordidSplendour · 14/04/2025 02:31

Festivespirit85 · 14/04/2025 01:56

Any update OP?

I've wondered about this too.
Really hope things are okay OP

Not to pressure for an update, genuinely, but people find threads themselves often years later due to searching for their own issue, and they can really help (not to mention we are all rooting for you and your DD of course)

Festivespirit85 · 14/04/2025 01:56

Any update OP?

KenAdams · 18/03/2025 18:28

How did you get on OP?

HangrySeal · 17/03/2025 19:18

Watching for updates. Please go up there now!

geekygardener · 17/03/2025 18:55

I had a boyfriend like this as a teen. Always something wrong with him, according to him he had been through it all. You name it. He was just always the victim of something. He told me he had been run over, beaten up, chased by a group of girls who wanted him because they all fancied him and it was so distressing for him, framed for robbery, injured his back falling off a cliff, he had cancer, lung disease, rare conditions. Honestly it was constant and ridiculous. He was in and out of jobs that he always messed up after a few weeks. Eventually he was too poorly to work and had to move in with me. Strangely he wasn’t too poorly to take drugs and come up with all these hobbies he wanted to do but never stick to.
He isolated me from everyone, got me a phone contract he couldn’t afford but used to keep track of my calls, waited for me outside college etc etc it was suffocating but I was young and although I didn’t like it, felt powerless and also he made me feel guilty because of his sad life and trauma. I wish I could have had adult guidance and someone to tell me it’s ok you can leave him. I was scared to as he would threaten to end his life or cry and throw himself on the floor and refuse to leave. I had no one to rescue me until eventually I got a job and my boss sat me down and gave me confidence to leave. A male boss in his 50s. I just wish it would have happened sooner as I suffered an awful incident at his hands that has impacted me to this day.

Please be the adult who tells your dd it’s ok to get away from him and she is not responsible for him and his trauma.

I have to say, he must be exceptionally unlucky to have been run over twice. Once is believable, but twice and as an adult…no. Unless of course it was deliberate as he owed money to dealers.

Serpentstooth · 17/03/2025 18:07

Hope you managed to sort something out OP, best wishes with all of it.

Festivespirit85 · 17/03/2025 16:08

Did you go and see her OP?