Page 3 | Daughter isolated in new city with new boyfriend who won’t go home

Feelingabitconfused · 2025-03-13T13:11:59+00:00

Hi fellow Mumsnetters. I’m not sure whether to voice my concerns, and if so, what I can say without alienating her. My daughter started at University last October, 5 hours drive from where we live. She has been working in a bar to part fund herself and has met someone who also works there, now her boyfriend. This all started in January, all fine. He is her first serious boyfriend. My main concern is that he’s not been home AT ALL since they got together around 10 weeks ago. He is a local lad, lives with his parents and is nearly 24. They sleep in her very small single bed, they sit and eat their meals on her floor (I know!). Whenever we face time she’s absolutely knackered, yawning throughout the call, he speaks, but refuses to be seen by me on face time, and she’s recently saying she’s completely out of money. We give her £50 per week to buy food etc, we pay all her accommodation, and she works to have more £ for spends. She has at least £100 per week to live on including work money. Recently she’s been skipping lectures and hasn’t been attending her seminars either. She spends whole days in her room, presumably with this chap. They appear to do nothing together, other than stay in her room. I know they’re not having sex yet as we’ve discussed this, and she’s very open with me, seeking advice about contraception etc. She has a gp appointment on 20 March for this (she’s not had sex yet) but says she feels like he doesn’t want to have sex as he’s in pain all the time; apparently he’s been run over twice, which might account for his pain levels. Also of concern is that he’s telling her he was beaten up by his parents, held down by his mum so he could take the beating. I don’t know when the last time this happened/ what age he was when this happened to him, but could well account for his reluctance to go home. I know she’s classed as an adult, being 18, but my feeling is that her boyfriend is almost 24, she’s isolated, somehow broke despite having £100 bare minimum per week, and sharing her very small space with someone who it appears to me, doesn’t want to go home. I’ve booked a place to stay to go to see her at the start of April - she sent me a screenshot list of her lectures for March so we could plan the trip and there was absolutely no time for me to visit and see her as all lectures were 9-5. I can see on life 360 app she hasn’t moved out of her room for 2 days! She wants the life 360 btw, she said it keeps her safe and she likes to see what we’re doing too. AIBU? She’s an adult, she has to make her choices and feel the consequences? AINBU? Have a real discussion with her and voice my concerns?

RampantIvy · 06/07/2025 09:04

Francestein · 06/07/2025 08:31

Nope. You tell her that you can see that she’s lost the passion for it and maybe she should think about taking the rest of the year off. You will stop funding her. She can come home or stay where she is, and get a job and think about reapplying for uni when she regains her passion for it and some maturity and foresight and jettisons the leech.

Her DD will still have to pay rent on the house unless she can find a replacement.

Fioratourer · 06/07/2025 08:56

I would also be inviting her out without him. But as you are there for a few days that is difficult and I completely see your point. Does he actually have anywhere else to go/live? That would be an alarm bell. Dd saying she hasn’t got many friends on her course could be because she has isolated herself or he has as they spend all their time together and she is missing out on the uni experience as such.

Original poster

Feelingabitconfused · 06/07/2025 08:40

Thanks so much ladies.
im going to leave now, long drive. You won’t hear from me for a while.

I don’t think I can ask him to leave the house without alienating her. I’m going to have to suck it up tonight.
im beyond furious that she’s choosing not to see how she has gone downhill since this man’s been around.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feelingabitconfused · 06/07/2025 08:37

Francestein · 06/07/2025 08:31

Nope. You tell her that you can see that she’s lost the passion for it and maybe she should think about taking the rest of the year off. You will stop funding her. She can come home or stay where she is, and get a job and think about reapplying for uni when she regains her passion for it and some maturity and foresight and jettisons the leech.

Yes this is my nuclear option. If after discussing everything with her, getting a rocket up her and she says she’s still not feeling it, I’ll definitely be having that convo.

im gonna be down for a few days, I didn’t want to go down guns blazing, wanted to let conversations happen organically with her, about her change in behaviour, suddenly anxious about everyth8ng. I mean I dont recognise the way she’s speaking or what she’s saying to me.

OP posts:

Wakeywakey678 · 06/07/2025 08:35

Francestein · 06/07/2025 08:31

Nope. You tell her that you can see that she’s lost the passion for it and maybe she should think about taking the rest of the year off. You will stop funding her. She can come home or stay where she is, and get a job and think about reapplying for uni when she regains her passion for it and some maturity and foresight and jettisons the leech.

This is a good idea! Get her under your wing. If she has lost her passion for uni she needs to take a break, back at home with you. Tell her you're not willing to subsidise her university living costs, if it's something she isn't passionate about and willing to work hard for.

Edited to add - or she can get a job where her uni is. True.

Wakeywakey678 · 06/07/2025 08:32

Feelingabitconfused · 06/07/2025 08:21

Ok so an update. I’m going to presume you’ve read my original post for context.

BF continues to insert himself into daughter’s life.

DH went down last week to help DD move her stuff from storage into her new uni house. As there was a gap in time between her Halls tenancy ending and her new tenancy, she went and stayed with a friend a couple of hours away. BF went home to parents presumably. When DH went down to help her move, he stayed over in a hotel and had a separate room for DD. She casually told DH that BF was staying in the hotel wth her… again on our dollar obvs. DH was surprised, meeting this man for the first time, didn’t want to alienate DD, 5 hour drive etc. he said nothing about this, went out for a meal with DD and met BF for drinks after. Next day BF was around to help with move which took 5 mins and he was hovering throughout, so much so that DH felt time to leave and off he went as he had a long drive and work the following day.

I’ve found out subsequently that DD has failed one of her modules and has a resit in August. Apparently during the time my DH was visiting her, a family friend phoned up DH and he had a chat with DD also who casually told him that she might have failed a module, and that she might have to retake the year and that she’s not bothered because she’s not that close to anyone on her course in this year. I’m bamboozled as to why she didn’t have this convo with DH, but chose to tell his friend in front of him. I’ve since spoken to her on FaceTime, she checked her marks whilst I waited and she confirmed she has indeed failed the module. In fact she has failed 3 elements out of 12, but because 2 are in the same module, there’s only one resit.

During this FaceTime with her, she talked about resitting the year and said she’d lost her desire since GCSEs! I can see that in her, she didn’t appear to be motivated for A levels and did minimum amount of work, despite telling me she was. Unfortunately our convo was interrupted due to workmen at her house so I didn’t have the conversation with her about us funding her. We continue to pay her rent, give her £220 per month for food and to sustain her, and she works 1-2 days per week, plus she also got a £500 bonus from her gran’s will recently. The money is just disappearing she’s always broke.

So I’m going down to see her today. She tried to put me off as said she hasn’t spent any time with BF as he’s working all the time. I smell BS as a few weeks ago she was saying he’s only working around 20 hpw due to not being given the hours at work. I know he’s gonna be at the house. So here’s the question for advice please, bearing in mind we have been advised by other friends not to drive a wedge between BF and us, as she will take BF’s side….

My question is do I ask him to leave while I’m there so I can spend time with DD. I know this sounds pathetic on my part, when I would be quite happy to tell him to do one, but taking this advice from friends who have been there, I need DD onside, to be receptive to me and my advice to get her back on track. I know if I go in and ask him to leave, that she will immediately shut down anything I’ve got to say.

How / can I get him out the house without alienating DD?

Why don't you offer to take her for a girl's lunch/dinner, just the two of you... Then you're on neutral ground as well? X

Francestein · 06/07/2025 08:31

Nope. You tell her that you can see that she’s lost the passion for it and maybe she should think about taking the rest of the year off. You will stop funding her. She can come home or stay where she is, and get a job and think about reapplying for uni when she regains her passion for it and some maturity and foresight and jettisons the leech.

Original poster

Feelingabitconfused · 06/07/2025 08:31

Her character has changed also. She’s gone from being quite clear about her future and kind of knowing how to get there, wanting a placement year, to now making excuses about going on placement (because she prob realises BF won’t be there). Plus she’s arranged a meeting with tutor next week during convo she said she “felt sick about seeing him and so nervous.” And needed me to draft an email to him requesting the meeting. Honestly there’s other stuff too, she just seems to be regressing.

OP posts:

justanothercuppa · 06/07/2025 08:28

What do you think they’d say if you actually just honestly said do you mind if DD and I have a few hours together for mother and daughter time?

Original poster

Feelingabitconfused · 06/07/2025 08:27

Yeah I don’t have a problem with insisting on going out without him, but he’ll be in the house when we get back.

OP posts:

Ninkynonkpinkyponks · 06/07/2025 08:24

Feelingabitconfused · 06/07/2025 08:21

Ok so an update. I’m going to presume you’ve read my original post for context.

BF continues to insert himself into daughter’s life.

DH went down last week to help DD move her stuff from storage into her new uni house. As there was a gap in time between her Halls tenancy ending and her new tenancy, she went and stayed with a friend a couple of hours away. BF went home to parents presumably. When DH went down to help her move, he stayed over in a hotel and had a separate room for DD. She casually told DH that BF was staying in the hotel wth her… again on our dollar obvs. DH was surprised, meeting this man for the first time, didn’t want to alienate DD, 5 hour drive etc. he said nothing about this, went out for a meal with DD and met BF for drinks after. Next day BF was around to help with move which took 5 mins and he was hovering throughout, so much so that DH felt time to leave and off he went as he had a long drive and work the following day.

I’ve found out subsequently that DD has failed one of her modules and has a resit in August. Apparently during the time my DH was visiting her, a family friend phoned up DH and he had a chat with DD also who casually told him that she might have failed a module, and that she might have to retake the year and that she’s not bothered because she’s not that close to anyone on her course in this year. I’m bamboozled as to why she didn’t have this convo with DH, but chose to tell his friend in front of him. I’ve since spoken to her on FaceTime, she checked her marks whilst I waited and she confirmed she has indeed failed the module. In fact she has failed 3 elements out of 12, but because 2 are in the same module, there’s only one resit.

During this FaceTime with her, she talked about resitting the year and said she’d lost her desire since GCSEs! I can see that in her, she didn’t appear to be motivated for A levels and did minimum amount of work, despite telling me she was. Unfortunately our convo was interrupted due to workmen at her house so I didn’t have the conversation with her about us funding her. We continue to pay her rent, give her £220 per month for food and to sustain her, and she works 1-2 days per week, plus she also got a £500 bonus from her gran’s will recently. The money is just disappearing she’s always broke.

So I’m going down to see her today. She tried to put me off as said she hasn’t spent any time with BF as he’s working all the time. I smell BS as a few weeks ago she was saying he’s only working around 20 hpw due to not being given the hours at work. I know he’s gonna be at the house. So here’s the question for advice please, bearing in mind we have been advised by other friends not to drive a wedge between BF and us, as she will take BF’s side….

My question is do I ask him to leave while I’m there so I can spend time with DD. I know this sounds pathetic on my part, when I would be quite happy to tell him to do one, but taking this advice from friends who have been there, I need DD onside, to be receptive to me and my advice to get her back on track. I know if I go in and ask him to leave, that she will immediately shut down anything I’ve got to say.

How / can I get him out the house without alienating DD?

Can you pick an activity he would hate eg going to pick a wedding outfit with your daughters help or going for a pedicure. Something he wouldn’t be seen dead doing

Original poster

Feelingabitconfused · 06/07/2025 08:21

Ok so an update. I’m going to presume you’ve read my original post for context.

BF continues to insert himself into daughter’s life.

DH went down last week to help DD move her stuff from storage into her new uni house. As there was a gap in time between her Halls tenancy ending and her new tenancy, she went and stayed with a friend a couple of hours away. BF went home to parents presumably. When DH went down to help her move, he stayed over in a hotel and had a separate room for DD. She casually told DH that BF was staying in the hotel wth her… again on our dollar obvs. DH was surprised, meeting this man for the first time, didn’t want to alienate DD, 5 hour drive etc. he said nothing about this, went out for a meal with DD and met BF for drinks after. Next day BF was around to help with move which took 5 mins and he was hovering throughout, so much so that DH felt time to leave and off he went as he had a long drive and work the following day.

I’ve found out subsequently that DD has failed one of her modules and has a resit in August. Apparently during the time my DH was visiting her, a family friend phoned up DH and he had a chat with DD also who casually told him that she might have failed a module, and that she might have to retake the year and that she’s not bothered because she’s not that close to anyone on her course in this year. I’m bamboozled as to why she didn’t have this convo with DH, but chose to tell his friend in front of him. I’ve since spoken to her on FaceTime, she checked her marks whilst I waited and she confirmed she has indeed failed the module. In fact she has failed 3 elements out of 12, but because 2 are in the same module, there’s only one resit.

During this FaceTime with her, she talked about resitting the year and said she’d lost her desire since GCSEs! I can see that in her, she didn’t appear to be motivated for A levels and did minimum amount of work, despite telling me she was. Unfortunately our convo was interrupted due to workmen at her house so I didn’t have the conversation with her about us funding her. We continue to pay her rent, give her £220 per month for food and to sustain her, and she works 1-2 days per week, plus she also got a £500 bonus from her gran’s will recently. The money is just disappearing she’s always broke.

So I’m going down to see her today. She tried to put me off as said she hasn’t spent any time with BF as he’s working all the time. I smell BS as a few weeks ago she was saying he’s only working around 20 hpw due to not being given the hours at work. I know he’s gonna be at the house. So here’s the question for advice please, bearing in mind we have been advised by other friends not to drive a wedge between BF and us, as she will take BF’s side….

My question is do I ask him to leave while I’m there so I can spend time with DD. I know this sounds pathetic on my part, when I would be quite happy to tell him to do one, but taking this advice from friends who have been there, I need DD onside, to be receptive to me and my advice to get her back on track. I know if I go in and ask him to leave, that she will immediately shut down anything I’ve got to say.

How / can I get him out the house without alienating DD?

OP posts:

Original poster

Feelingabitconfused · 27/04/2025 10:42

Yes she usually speaks / WhatsApp’s with her BFF every day who is at another University a couple of hours away from where she is currently based. They met up when she was home and had a sleepover together as they would usually do.

Concerning the sudden money issue - in a nutshell, since December and making friends with bar work colleagues, she’s developed an active social life, been drinking more than she would normally, paying pub prices and eating out. She’s got a good discount, being staff, but it all mounts up and she has been staying behind after her shifts for a couple of hours then going out to bars with the other staff there. She went overdrawn and used some money from the pot I’d been saving for her since she was 2 years old (which was then transferred over to her when she became 18). She says she’s learned her lesson as it was really stressing her out, she’s now budgeting and has put the pot into a separate account that she can't access until she’s graduated. She’s was very up front with me about all this and admitted the stress it’s been causing her being overdrawn. She also let me see that she’d taken ‘only’ £200 out of her pot. I’ve no doubt in there that she’s been paying more for food with BF also. She’s developed poor spending habits which I saw when I was with her, thinking nothing of spending £5.00 on some crappy fast food. We’ve discussed this and I think now it’s not some empty advice which she has nothing to relate it to, which she ‘already knows’ and now that she has come undone financially, she seems to be more respectful of my 10p worth.

I’m keeping a close eye / ear on this.

Concerning “not letting her’ do anything, now DD has gone to University and is living independently, I can’t “not let her” or “make her’ do anything. Free will and all that. All I can do is keep her close, listen to what she is / isn’t saying and trust our relationship and bond is close enough for her to keep the communication open. I certainly wouldn’t have told my mum ANYTHING she’s told me, so I am grateful for the honesty from her end, despite the concern it causes me.

OP posts:

CobraChicken · 26/04/2025 18:29

@Feelingabitconfused

Did you manage to find out why she was running out of money so much sooner than you expected, as mentioned in your OP? Is she giving it to him or paying for all his food as well as her own?

Delilaaaah · 25/04/2025 18:04

Is she keeping up with home friends - did she see them when she was back for Easter?

Do most unis not shut for a month and halls clear out as everyone goes home for the month?

What are her plans for the summer months?

Its very emotionally and socially unhealthy to be living with someone 24/7 from the first day. I would continue to challenge her on where he thinks he will be living over the summer and next year. Does he not have any local friends? All very odd. Dont let her sleep walk into this any deeper.

Original poster

Feelingabitconfused · 25/04/2025 17:14

Yes I agree with many of these comments / sentiments. My aim is to keep the gates of communication open with her, so she doesn’t feel she needs to hide anything from me about him. I am thankful she has been open enough to tell me about his drug taking and about his history.

We have all been in relationships where red flags are raised and we are able to spot these behaviours in others’ relationships and / or my parents certainly did. When you’re 18, no matter how sensible and mature, that life experience just isn’t there. I genuinely didn’t get a sense he was on drugs currently, which doesn’t mean to say he’s not taking them. DD was at our family home for a week over Easter - she was keen to get back to her Uni home, but there was no sense I got that he was blocking her from visiting us. I’ve made my thoughts clear to her, and she’s thoroughly aware of the implications of her potential actions. I think I need to keep her close and keep having these conversations.

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 25/04/2025 14:14

I agree that she is being naive if she thinks the boyfriend can live with her and 6 other girls without any problems.

Quite apart from the legal issues it will cause a lot of friction between her and the other girls.

I also agree that I think the BF is being less than honest with her.

@Feelingabitconfused I think you are doing the right thing by keeping in close touch, and I think you should reiterate the legal and personal consequences of what might happen if she does move the boyfriend in.

MimiGC · 25/04/2025 13:27

So is it a 7 student house share next year and she thinks she can sneak her BF in without the landlord knowing (or him paying rent and bills)? Or is a legit 8 student house share and he will pay the same as the other 7? If the former, she’ll be found out and likely chucked out (and if you are her guarantor you’ll be liable for the rent). If the latter, is he going to pretend to the landlord that he’s a student or say he’s employed? There are council tax implications for the latter.

Hdjdb42 · 25/04/2025 12:58

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 25/04/2025 11:13

I cannot see any way at all that six young women will tolerate a slightly strange male non-student living unexpectedly in their all women student house share.

She might need a plan B for where to live!

Same here! It's a werid set up! They'd have to get a bedsit or something?! Or she lives with her female house mates without him?! Seems a shame she can't date him, without living together!

DisappearingGirl · 25/04/2025 12:55

Hmm. I think the problem when you're 18 and inexperienced is that you tend to put people into two categories:

Bad person
Well-meaning person

It sounds like both you and your daughter would class the BF as a well-meaning person and you may well be right.

However I think at that age it is harder to appreciate the following category:

Well-meaning person who through no fault of their own is emotionally clingy and/or struggling for money/place to live and is likely to (unintentionally) make your life smaller and stop you enjoying friends and experiences you should be at your age.

Also harder at 18 to recognise that, although you may fancy and feel sorry for the above person, it is not your job to rescue them and sacrifice your own time/studies/friendships to do this.

This would be my worry and maybe something to speak to her about - if you can ever get her alone.

DazedAndConfused321 · 25/04/2025 12:43

All sounds great regarding your DD, not great about the drug taking- she's threatened to leave him if he takes drugs- he's just going to do it in secret and won't be able to tell her if he slips into addicition again so he'll hide it and she won't know. Awful idea.

I would be highly suspicious that he's been involved with the wrong people, and blaming some or all of the injuries on his parent(s) to cover that up. This is a massive red flag. He's 24, works and has the means to move out, so why on earth is he in a position to be run over twice and beaten by his family? Of course it is possible, and if so, awful. But I smell BS.

The girls she's living with next year deserve to have a safe space. A strange man who may or may not be doing drugs in or around their home does not contribute to that. He needs his own place and she should visit him, not the other way round.

Darkwaters · 25/04/2025 11:59

Good to hear your DD is doing well in her uni work.

The relationship doesn’t sound healthy, hopefully your DD will see sense soon.

It is highly unlikely that the girls your DD is sharing with next year will be happy to have her boyfriend there everyday. Your DD is likely to be pushed into paying more for the bills, can she cover that? Also if someone reports him living there he will be liable for council tax.

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 25/04/2025 11:55

Thanks for getting back to us. Yes, there will be problems if he wants to move in next year, but that’s months ahead the relationship might not exist then. Sounds like you’re gonna keep a close eye on things good luck.

Delilaaaah · 25/04/2025 11:48

Well done getting stuck in on this one but keep in contact and your antenni on red alert - there are still too many read flags.

Did she explain why she is completly out of money despite you giving her cash and her having a job as well as her boyfrend presumably working full time (£25k a year on MW) with him having zero out-goings as he lives rent and bill free at you and your DD's expense? Huge red flag.

So he has agreed he was a drug user but isnt now - dont believe a word of that.
He could be using or dealing at work - your DD may not know the signs. What drugs was he on that he gave up? Huge red flag.

The injuries and beatings could well be drug debt related. He's could be hiding out at your DDs - look up "cuckooing". Huge red flag.

He could well be "love-bombing" her and grooming you in the process. Being unable to cope with 24hrs part is alarming. Huge red flag.

Dont fall for the 'hard life' schtick - it never exuses bad behaviour and choices.

There is no smoke without fire here. Keep on red alert.

At 24 what is his relationship history?

What are your DD plans for the summer - where will she be living and working?

Can you plan a 2 week holiday away with her that he's not invited to.

Great news that she has a house share for next year.

He needs to find his own place and pay his own way which he can afford to do on £25k and must have stacks saved having ponced off your DD for nearly half a year if they dont go out. She needs to make this clear to him.

Was she home for Easter? If not, why not?

I would be up there every month. I ensure I saw him each time.

Well done on tackling this - its important not to alienate your dd, keep her trust and communication etc - but there are too many separate red flags here. If he was an 18 year old fellow student and they were holed up 24/7 with no money I would also be alarmed but here you have admitted drug issues, violence, age etc - he is dodgy as f**k. Its not if this becomes apparent its when. Your DD and yourself sound very intuitive - but these types are devious and perfomative. Your DD has fallen for the victim narrative and her kind heart is telling her to rescue him. No female is a rehab facility for dodgy males.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 25/04/2025 11:13

I cannot see any way at all that six young women will tolerate a slightly strange male non-student living unexpectedly in their all women student house share.

She might need a plan B for where to live!