Thanks for all your posts.
Interesting turn of events. I turned up yesterday just before 4pm. DD said she’d been to the shops with BF and he’s not well. The day pans out with him in bed, I didn’t see him at all, and me and DD spoke in the kitchen. Stank of pee, oven not cleaned, first thing I did was take DD to shops and buy a load of cleaning stuff and start to clean kitchen we were sitting in while having our chat.
For context I didn’t book anywhere to stay as my plan was to turn up, spend the night at hers and take her away to a nice coastal village for a couple of days, look after her, nourish her, get her outside in fresh air.
She refused that plan of going away for a couple of days. Said she didnt want to leave her house as she’d just come back 5 days ago from visiting her friend, moved house last Tuesday and was getting her house in order. Eventually I relented. Privately I thought she was guessing that if she agreed to go away with me, I’d insist that he leaves the house, which was indeed my plan! He would be staying in a large student house without the agreement of the landlord or anyone else, so it would make sense he’d have to go. DD was completely clear that she wasn’t going with me for a couple of days to spend quality time together. We kept circling this until it got to around 8pm at which point I started looking for somewhere to stay in the city she lives for the next couple of days.
She has answered the things I raised concerns about. I believed her, mostly, with some reservations and things to check out at a later date. She gave an immediate answer to the retaking the year and I felt covered it off without any issue. She told me the family friend she discussed this with on the phone while DH listened to her side only. Family friend was asking direct questions … how would you feel if you had to retake the year, how would you feel about your friends on the course continuing without you, etc. When I asked her my questions about her course, she said retaking the year is not an option, she’s made some basic mistakes, non academic referencing, structure etc which Russell Group are hot on, and that she’s learned from this going forward. I have made it explicitly clear there is no money in the pot for any repeat years so she’s going to have to nail it every year. She said she wants a first class degree, but she’s unclear about how she’s going to get that, no plan, but I will cover that with her today, and I’ll check in with her regularly about what assessments are coming up. She said she generally loves her course, hates a couple of elements of it, repetition of certain things, gets anxious about assessments, but she hasn’t missed any deadlines, and has said that in the last week prior to a deadline she is finishing the detail off. Tbh I was happy to hear that cos I was never great at finishing off, always up to the last 10 minutes of submitting by deadline, fine tuning, so I hear that.
Some red flags. Obviously BF taking to his bed for the day, which she said he’d been ill from night before and she forced him to go out for pillows with her. Apparently he is very fussy about his pillows, so fussy they didn’t buy any. Weird. Not necessary a red flag, just odd given everything about him. Red flag is he is ill again. That was his excuse the first time I met him to delay / avoid meeting me. She defended him of course.
I did press her a little bit on her relationship with BF, acknowledged he appears to be her comfort blanket when she was lonely and the Halls she was in was a dead end for building friendships, challenged her when she got defensive which she admitted she was being. She was concerned that DH didn’t like BF as she thought DH was quiet. Deliberate ploy by DH who wanted to see what BF brought which he thought was nada, said no character, no chat, dull. I said I didn’t know what DF thought and to ask him.
But another red flag for me was that she did kind of warn me off being concerned about her BF … said she doesn’t want this to drive a wedge between us. I did back off a bit, didn’t get into his character or what DH thought about BF, but reiterated my concern about the fact that 6 other girls will be living in the house, paying rent and bills etc and he is not to be there alone while they are there, or to be staying over more than 2 nights per week, which I think is reasonable for a normal BF to do. Also the fact that her tenancy would be breached if he continued to stay there as he did whilst she is in halls.
Red flag about that during this part of our discussion … she questioned me what would happen if one of the “other girls” decided that they didn’t want to live there what would happen. I said is she “asking for a friend”, which she denied, but my spidey senses are telling me otherwise. I can see that she could be thinking about jacking the house in and living with BF. Why would she ask this otherwise?
Another pinkish coloured flag was she said to me directly how would I know if she did have BF staying with her all the time. Although she did absolutely promise he wouldn’t be staying there come September when the others got there. Helpfully for me, the letting agent, when sending the contract through, included all the names, addresses, telephone numbers and email address of all the parents and all the girls! I know! Total breach of confidentiality which I thought didn’t happen in this day and age, but I told DD I have this info. She said “I would be really fucked off if you contacted the girls in my house”, to which I responded, “And I would be really fucked off if you make me liable for £7k because you’ve been evicted and you have nowhere to live because how will you complete your course?” Said pleasantly and smiling. She has promised he will be out in September but she is living in this place without any other students there, in a pretty student grotty part of the city, so I can see some sense to this. I feel if I pressed the point and insisted he moves out, that would up the ante, and he’d probably stay there anyway because how can I police this? so nothing to gain.
I spoke positively about the pub we went to that evening, so close to her home and that she and the girls should com down for quiz night and a night out to bond. She seemed positive about building relationships and doing little things like this which clearly make or break relationships in the house.
i spoke to her about priorities … she could be completely giving be a load of BS, but she said that completing her course is her total priority, even above her BF and she said BF said she must put her course first also. 🤔
he really does seem saintly!
Question for you all … when pushed to answer what he contributes, she told me he gave her £150 2 months ago and £200 last month and that he has transferred it directly into her account. How can I ask her to show me her bank account without driving the wedge between us. I think if I can get an answer to this to confirm these payments, I can tell to what degree she is prepared to defend him / how much of what she is telling me is complete BS. I have some ideas but grateful for your input as always.
Also your thoughts about Clare’s Law? Just in case.