Hi fellow Mumsnetters.
I’m not sure whether to voice my concerns, and if so, what I can say without alienating her.
My daughter started at University last October, 5 hours drive from where we live. She has been working in a bar to part fund herself and has met someone who also works there, now her boyfriend. This all started in January, all fine. He is her first serious boyfriend. My main concern is that he’s not been home AT ALL since they got together around 10 weeks ago. He is a local lad, lives with his parents and is nearly 24. They sleep in her very small single bed, they sit and eat their meals on her floor (I know!). Whenever we face time she’s absolutely knackered, yawning throughout the call, he speaks, but refuses to be seen by me on face time, and she’s recently saying she’s completely out of money. We give her £50 per week to buy food etc, we pay all her accommodation, and she works to have more £ for spends. She has at least £100 per week to live on including work money.
Recently she’s been skipping lectures and hasn’t been attending her seminars either. She spends whole days in her room, presumably with this chap. They appear to do nothing together, other than stay in her room.
I know they’re not having sex yet as we’ve discussed this, and she’s very open with me, seeking advice about contraception etc. She has a gp appointment on 20 March for this (she’s not had sex yet) but says she feels like he doesn’t want to have sex as he’s in pain all the time; apparently he’s been run over twice, which might account for his pain levels. Also of concern is that he’s telling her he was beaten up by his parents, held down by his mum so he could take the beating. I don’t know when the last time this happened/ what age he was when this happened to him, but could well account for his reluctance to go home.
I know she’s classed as an adult, being 18, but my feeling is that her boyfriend is almost 24, she’s isolated, somehow broke despite having £100 bare minimum per week, and sharing her very small space with someone who it appears to me, doesn’t want to go home.
I’ve booked a place to stay to go to see her at the start of April - she sent me a screenshot list of her lectures for March so we could plan the trip and there was absolutely no time for me to visit and see her as all lectures were 9-5. I can see on life 360 app she hasn’t moved out of her room for 2 days! She wants the life 360 btw, she said it keeps her safe and she likes to see what we’re doing too.
AIBU? She’s an adult, she has to make her choices and feel the consequences?
AINBU? Have a real discussion with her and voice my concerns?