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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter isolated in new city with new boyfriend who won’t go home

286 replies

Feelingabitconfused · 13/03/2025 13:11

Hi fellow Mumsnetters.

I’m not sure whether to voice my concerns, and if so, what I can say without alienating her.

My daughter started at University last October, 5 hours drive from where we live. She has been working in a bar to part fund herself and has met someone who also works there, now her boyfriend. This all started in January, all fine. He is her first serious boyfriend. My main concern is that he’s not been home AT ALL since they got together around 10 weeks ago. He is a local lad, lives with his parents and is nearly 24. They sleep in her very small single bed, they sit and eat their meals on her floor (I know!). Whenever we face time she’s absolutely knackered, yawning throughout the call, he speaks, but refuses to be seen by me on face time, and she’s recently saying she’s completely out of money. We give her £50 per week to buy food etc, we pay all her accommodation, and she works to have more £ for spends. She has at least £100 per week to live on including work money.

Recently she’s been skipping lectures and hasn’t been attending her seminars either. She spends whole days in her room, presumably with this chap. They appear to do nothing together, other than stay in her room.

I know they’re not having sex yet as we’ve discussed this, and she’s very open with me, seeking advice about contraception etc. She has a gp appointment on 20 March for this (she’s not had sex yet) but says she feels like he doesn’t want to have sex as he’s in pain all the time; apparently he’s been run over twice, which might account for his pain levels. Also of concern is that he’s telling her he was beaten up by his parents, held down by his mum so he could take the beating. I don’t know when the last time this happened/ what age he was when this happened to him, but could well account for his reluctance to go home.

I know she’s classed as an adult, being 18, but my feeling is that her boyfriend is almost 24, she’s isolated, somehow broke despite having £100 bare minimum per week, and sharing her very small space with someone who it appears to me, doesn’t want to go home.

I’ve booked a place to stay to go to see her at the start of April - she sent me a screenshot list of her lectures for March so we could plan the trip and there was absolutely no time for me to visit and see her as all lectures were 9-5. I can see on life 360 app she hasn’t moved out of her room for 2 days! She wants the life 360 btw, she said it keeps her safe and she likes to see what we’re doing too.

AIBU? She’s an adult, she has to make her choices and feel the consequences?
AINBU? Have a real discussion with her and voice my concerns?

OP posts:
Darkwaters · 13/03/2025 14:24

Has your daughter got her accommodation for next year sorted?

I doubt her housemates are happy with the situation and if she’s planning to move in with any of them next year they’ll be looking for ways to push her out.

enkelt2 · 13/03/2025 14:24

Of course you can voice your concerns and meet up with her etc. but she's an adult and should be able to make her own choices, good or bad. It's odd that she likes the 360life thing though.

whitejeanss · 13/03/2025 14:21

A spa day is a really good idea as it naturally excludes him as the pp said, and you can have plenty of time with her. Can you book one OP?

jeaux90 · 13/03/2025 14:21

Apart from the obvious she must be really pissing everyone off she shares with as this guy is constantly there.

She clearly needs help setting some boundaries.

Moonnstars · 13/03/2025 14:20

Yes I would be worried and agree with everyone else to visit this weekend.
I agree that he shouldn't be staying every night and I am surprised that the hall wardens (if they still exist) haven't noticed this (assuming they are in halls of residence).
She is in her first year and may have felt lonely, therefore being quite vulnerable she may have been easy for him to manipulate.
Does she speak about having friends at uni?

Burntt · 13/03/2025 14:19

MissUltraViolet · 13/03/2025 13:44

I’m not sure whether I would believe the “he’s in pain all the time and doesn’t even want to have sex” line. Equally if it is true, added with the fact she’s now running out of money despite not really going anywhere or doing anything, it would concern me he is perhaps self medicating, be it pain killers or something worse and manipulating her into helping fund it.

Or maybe I’m just paranoid.

Tread carefully OP, be curious but friendly, find out as much as you can.

These were my thoughts too

dogcatkitten · 13/03/2025 14:18

Sounds really weird, she's living with someone 24/7 in a tiny room, they don't have sex (really!) she is spending all her money and not going to lectures. He is constantly in pain and is regularly beaten by his parents, but theoretically he still lives at home although he's 24. Is he a student or is his 'real' job a bar tender?

There is something very odd about this guy, why stay at home if you are beaten by your parents? Not interested in sex with a girl you share a bed with? Doesn't go anywhere or do anything. Chronic illness? Mental problems? Drug addict? Fantasist? Asexual? Free loader? Take your pick, but none of them good in a boyfriend for a student.

And doesn't want you to see him, doesn't want to be recognised? Also not good.

Celeryindip · 13/03/2025 14:17

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 13/03/2025 14:13

So pleased to hear you’re going up this weekend you’re absolutely doing the right thing. She might not show it in front of him, but she will be so pleased to see you.

Halls or private…I am surprised DD’s housemates haven’t got sick of them taking the piss and reported him!

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 13/03/2025 14:13

So pleased to hear you’re going up this weekend you’re absolutely doing the right thing. She might not show it in front of him, but she will be so pleased to see you.

Darkwaters · 13/03/2025 14:12

Is she living is halls? If so I would report that the fact he’s staying there for your daughters benefit, she may not have the confidence to say no to him.
He may even have done this before!

BusMumsHoliday · 13/03/2025 14:12

I'm a lecturer, and I usually take the line of leaving kids to solve their own problems, but I would be worried. She sounds isolated from her friends and her studies; she is spending unexplained amounts of money. I would be driving up that weekend, or inviting her for a weekend home. It is strange that he won't let you see him. She is almost certainly breaking her accommodation contract and probably not endearing herself to her flatmates. (I know that seems like the least of her problems, but them complaining is the thing likely to bring this to the attention of the uni, if she's in halls).

There will be a student welfare office at her university. I would drop an email saying that you understand they can't tell you anything but you've reason to suspect your daughter isn't attending her lectures and you're concerned, could they or her personal tutor check in with her.

I would also tell you daughter your concerns in a calm way. This is intense for a new relationship. You're proud that she wants to help this man have somewhere safe to live and glad she's found someone she's happy with but are also concerned she feels responsible for him and is giving up too much of herself. See what she says from there.

Nopicturesallowed · 13/03/2025 14:10

Feelingabitconfused · 13/03/2025 13:11

Hi fellow Mumsnetters.

I’m not sure whether to voice my concerns, and if so, what I can say without alienating her.

My daughter started at University last October, 5 hours drive from where we live. She has been working in a bar to part fund herself and has met someone who also works there, now her boyfriend. This all started in January, all fine. He is her first serious boyfriend. My main concern is that he’s not been home AT ALL since they got together around 10 weeks ago. He is a local lad, lives with his parents and is nearly 24. They sleep in her very small single bed, they sit and eat their meals on her floor (I know!). Whenever we face time she’s absolutely knackered, yawning throughout the call, he speaks, but refuses to be seen by me on face time, and she’s recently saying she’s completely out of money. We give her £50 per week to buy food etc, we pay all her accommodation, and she works to have more £ for spends. She has at least £100 per week to live on including work money.

Recently she’s been skipping lectures and hasn’t been attending her seminars either. She spends whole days in her room, presumably with this chap. They appear to do nothing together, other than stay in her room.

I know they’re not having sex yet as we’ve discussed this, and she’s very open with me, seeking advice about contraception etc. She has a gp appointment on 20 March for this (she’s not had sex yet) but says she feels like he doesn’t want to have sex as he’s in pain all the time; apparently he’s been run over twice, which might account for his pain levels. Also of concern is that he’s telling her he was beaten up by his parents, held down by his mum so he could take the beating. I don’t know when the last time this happened/ what age he was when this happened to him, but could well account for his reluctance to go home.

I know she’s classed as an adult, being 18, but my feeling is that her boyfriend is almost 24, she’s isolated, somehow broke despite having £100 bare minimum per week, and sharing her very small space with someone who it appears to me, doesn’t want to go home.

I’ve booked a place to stay to go to see her at the start of April - she sent me a screenshot list of her lectures for March so we could plan the trip and there was absolutely no time for me to visit and see her as all lectures were 9-5. I can see on life 360 app she hasn’t moved out of her room for 2 days! She wants the life 360 btw, she said it keeps her safe and she likes to see what we’re doing too.

AIBU? She’s an adult, she has to make her choices and feel the consequences?
AINBU? Have a real discussion with her and voice my concerns?

He sounds like a cuckoo. He's started a relationship with your daughter in order to have somewhere else to stay rather than home. He's no doubt using her money as well as her room and if she isn't going out for days at a time, likely to be isolating her from friends, peers etc
I think I would probably want to go down at a weekend perhaps, or, even if she has lectures, go down for a few days anyway. From what you've said she may not be attending many lectures anyway.
If she is feeling isolated, maybe seeing you in the flesh, having a hug, proper chat without him in earshot....it might help her come to her own decisions.
Good luck xx

Celeryindip · 13/03/2025 14:07

Who else does she live with? I don’t suppose they’re too happy about having her boyfriend around all the time for the past 10 weeks, and if I was one of their parents - I think I’d be encouraging my DD to ask her DD to be a bit more bloody considerate

Justsayit123 · 13/03/2025 14:02

I’d be there this weekend!

TonTonMacoute · 13/03/2025 14:01

Sounds like your kind, inexperienced DD has found herself an honest to god cocklodger as her first BF.

You are giving her financial support to go to university for the benefit of her education, and continually skipping lectures is not acceptable, she is breaking her side of the deal. There is also a social element to going away to university, and she’s not benefiting from that either.

To be handled sensitively but I would be trying to scrape off this manipulative loser ASAP.

With luck she just needs help to extract herself from this situation and will be grateful for your assistance. Here’s hoping anyway, I wish you luck

Wakeywake · 13/03/2025 13:59

Just because she's technically an adult doesn't mean she can't use some advice. Heck, I'm late 40s and still talk to my mum about my problems. She might even listen to you if you are close.

LlynTegid · 13/03/2025 13:59

Agree with visiting this weekend, hope somehow it goes as well as you wish it to.

Coffeeishot · 13/03/2025 13:58

He might be older than 24 that's maybe why he isn't showing his face just a thought.

BruhWhy · 13/03/2025 13:55

They are 100% having sex, and this is why they aren't leaving the room. You must consider the possibility that she's lying to you about this - the GP appointment for contraception is evidence of this, not the contrary. Which is fine, she's 18 and she can stay private about this if she wishes, I'm just saying.

He has found an 18yo, vulnerable, new-to-relationships student with her own accommodation and parents who are funding her, and thought "fuck me, look, it's a goldmine". The man is 24 (is he really though? might explain why he doesn't want his face on camera) living at home and has a sketchy past. Runnnn OP, get your daughter and run.

GreengageSummer75 · 13/03/2025 13:53

You can’t rescue an adult who doesn’t want to be rescued. By all means try, but be prepared for your intervention not to work. I’ve seen this happen several times, unfortunately.

littleluncheon · 13/03/2025 13:51

I'd go up there now, it sounds more like a hostage situation than a relationship!

GandTtwice · 13/03/2025 13:51

Is she living in uni accommodation OP? they have strict rules about how long someone else can stay there and this would be the ideal reason for him to have to leave. It affects the rights of all the students in the flat/house to get council tax exemption.
If necessary you could report direct to the uni and they can deal with it - obviously this would be if your daughter doesn't want him to leave after you've seen her and talked to her about it

LongStoryLong · 13/03/2025 13:51

Feelingabitconfused · 13/03/2025 13:29

I’ve spoken with them both a couple of times on face time. He has some “bants” and chat, but some boundary crossing, for me, in name of jokiness (C word references). Apparently 2 weeks ago they did agree to have 2 days apart but by 6pm on the same day they agreed, he called her asking to come over, and she agreed. I feel she’s not seeing what this looks like. Perhaps showing your responses might help her understand why we’re concerned.

He said the word “cunt” in front of his new girlfriend’s mother???? Apologies if I’ve misunderstood, but if I haven’t, this is NOT a good guy.

Bibbitybobbity70 · 13/03/2025 13:50

University will have a student welfare officer, you could contact them explaining the circumstances & ask to check in. They won't be able to give you info without her permission but at least it's a check she's OK till you can see her in person. DH works in uni admin & tells me they get calls for many reasons from parents.

Hearmenow23 · 13/03/2025 13:50

I would get in my car now and go. I had some horrible boyfriends at that age and thought I was so wise. I loved a project man too. Please go and see her. Maybe he is keeping hold of her phone all day?? She's in a really dodgy situation, I wouldn't leave it.