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Original poster

Punishing DSD(12)s behaviour

38 replies

thatsnotaproblem · 13/03/2025 12:04

DSD is 12. We have always got and well and she can be a lovely girl. She lives here majority of the time but most parenting and punishment is done by DP.

I had booked for us to go to an concert over Easter including weekend away and other activities. She was very excited and I have also been looking forward to it.

There have recently been increasing issues with her behaviour through, including:
-General rudeness, arguing, shouting.
-Coming into my room, going through my stuff and taking/borrowing things
-Leaving mess and refusing to clear up after herself.
-Lying, not taking responsibility

She asked me to pick her up from seeing friends after school yesterday. She was immediately rude and grumpy, complained that I had to stop at a shop quickly on the way back. When we got home I asked if she could get changed out of her uniform so I could wash her shirt and she moaned and refused which escalated into her door slamming, throwing things and shouting at me including calling me a bitch.

In the moment I said something like ‘if this is how you behave when we’re on our own then we won’t be going to X anymore’ and that I could easily take my teen sister instead.

Was I unreasonable to say that or would I be unreasonable to do it?

OP posts:
HereintheloveofChristIstand · 13/03/2025 12:31

BigFatLiar · 13/03/2025 12:24

If you want you could let her know that the trip could still be on if her behaviour improves.

Show quote history

This. Let her earn it back.
Bratty behaviour needs nipping in the bud

WrylyAmused · 13/03/2025 12:27

Well, depends how you phrased it. It sounds like you said "if you do X, Y will happen" - so to me sounds like the door is still open that if she behaves better, she still gets to go, without it undermining you.

To me, it seems pretty nuclear to go straight to that kind of sanction for pretty normal teen/tween behaviour though.

Her being 12 and that behaviour list does sound like struggling with hormones and emotions - so a bit more understanding and gentleness, plus the mature reflection that we've nearly all been there when younger, and that even into adulthood our hormones play havoc with many women (pre-menstrual, peri-, pregnancy hormones etc) and letting as much of it as possible go, and talking to her about more serious parts at a time when she's not dysregulated might help more.

Tiswa · 13/03/2025 12:25

Yep you have gone nuclear on something that didn’t deserve that. I would talk to her as a PP said and explain that you need this to stop

otherwise I am fairly sure your relationship won’t recover

Snorlaxo · 13/03/2025 12:25

If you’d never do it then you shouldn’t say it.

I think that you need to think carefully and decide if you’re going with her or you’ll give her one more chance.

Flip flopping between going and not going until the event would be unfair on everyone as doesn’t incentivise good behaviour because she’ll be nice the day before then go back to “grumpy” behaviour plus it will be super stressful for you . “grumpy “ is me being polite about her behaviour.

I would totally understand why you’d take your teen sister instead.

BigFatLiar · 13/03/2025 12:24

thatsnotaproblem · 13/03/2025 12:18

That is my concern.
I think I maybe shouldn’t have made the threat in the moment but now that I have if I back track she’s going to think she can treat me however she likes.

If you want you could let her know that the trip could still be on if her behaviour improves.

Ferrazzuoli · 13/03/2025 12:24

I think going from zero to nuclear (cancelling a big treat she is really looking forward to) was a mistake unless there were "checkpoints" along the way (smaller consequences which were ignored by her).

wherearemypastnames · 13/03/2025 12:22

You can always say " if this behaviour continues then I won't take you on holiday but can we talk about it first as I would be sad if I couldn't go with you, and you are acting out of character- perhaps I can help ?"

Ablondiebutagoody · 13/03/2025 12:20

I think that you did the right thing. Take your teen sister and calmly explain to dsd why you don't want to spend a weekend away with someone who treats you so disrespectfully.

Milly16 · 13/03/2025 12:20

I backtrack sometimes. It's ok. If she's acting out there's something up. You need to figure out what it is (plus boundaries obviously). I don't think cancelling all activities will help at all.

Original poster
thatsnotaproblem · 13/03/2025 12:18

That is my concern.
I think I maybe shouldn’t have made the threat in the moment but now that I have if I back track she’s going to think she can treat me however she likes.

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 13/03/2025 12:17

Speak to DSD, especially if this is unusual. Is she hormonal? Is she acting up because of peer pressure? Ask her how she would feel if you went into her room and used her stuff, or called her names. Tell her she’s getting older and needs to take responsibility for herself - and that you are really looking forward to the concert and weekend away but that she is putting that in jeopardy by being so rude to you (but remember she is only a kid, and we were all rude and unreasonable as tweens and teens!)

BigFatLiar · 13/03/2025 12:09

I think if you threaten a punishment then you need to be ready to carry it out.

Any chance you could talk to her and see if there's an underlying problem?

Nodddy · 13/03/2025 12:09

No that's fine. You've just got to stick to it.