Punishing DSD(12)s behaviour

NTA if anyone called me a Bitch in my own home stepchild or otherwise not going to a concert would be the least of her worries
to me that is completely unacceptable behaviour and I would be having words with DP on why he thinks it is ok for her to speak to you like that

By "nuclear" I don't mean that you went mad and shouted at her. I just mean that you jumped straight to a very harsh punishment for some pretty standard pre-teen stuff. Saying you had ignored things and given her encouragement earlier is exactly my point - she didn't realise you were getting more and more annoyed until you tipped over the edge.

Personally I think with teenagers (which she will be very soon) is there you take every chance you can to bond with them. I no longer punish mine with this sort of random punishment. (What has her behaviour got to do with the concert directly?)
Instead I would say this is completely unreasonable. "And say next time I shant pick you up from school. People like that don't get favours off me."
Then move on from it.
Teens very much like toddlers they react often disproportionately to things, I try and let them calm down or ignore whilst making it clear I won't put up with poor behaviour. Any consequences need to make sense otherwise they end up getting hard done by (even when they have been little shits).

In a couple of years she is unlikely to want to go anywhere with you and you will have missed an opportunity.

I wouldn’t advise this. We tried this with my daughter when she was younger and she soon realised she could do crappy stuff, as long as she was subsequently good and got things back.

At 12 years old, I’d be sitting them down for a chat that starts with “listen, I lost my temper and said you couldn’t come to the concert and I shouldn’t have, I’m sorry” Followed by “are you ok, I’ve noticed you’ve been shouting a lot (etc etc) has something happened that has made you angry”

Have a good long chat about how she is doing and let her know you are there for her, but remind her that you really don’t like the shouting and sulking so if she can work on not doing that, it would be good.

12 is a really shitty age to be. Of course she has to take responsibility for her behaviour, but most of the time when I was 12 and shouting, I just wanted a cuddle and someone to sympathise.

Easter s ages away.
Sit down
Say you thought about it, and that activity will go ahead
But these are house rules
If you break them these are consequences (immediate ones( get her to assist in drawing up house rules

I think you've over reacted. Yes she needs a consequence but you've given loss of a big (enjoyable) thing which would've helped your relationship over something relatively small (being rude and calling names).

Pick your battles and how you word things. Instead of saying 'can you get out of your uniform' you could say 'I'm putting a wash own now, if you want your shirt washed bring it down'. If she doesn't then she doesn't have a clean shirt.

It's up to you.

I'd be inclined to have a heart to heart with a view of trying to understand if there is an underlying issue and to get a commitment to improve behaviour.

Monitor for a few weeks and then consider whether you still want to go with your sister. Obviously don't invite sister til you're sure.

I expect she's probably just being a teenage arsehole but best to rule out anything worse. If you decide to punish by taking away fun stuff, it will be mean years without fun together if it is "just" teen attitude. I'd start with the phone, curfews or new clothes. Stuff that can be done immediately.

I also think with BIG consequences you should warn them ahead of time that this would be the consequence, rather than spring it on them in the moment, IYSWIM.

always always follow through. Empty threats will result in you being powerless.
so always be careful and only threaten stuff you can and will be prepared to follow through.

your in early teen territory, my best advice, pick your battles!!! Sometimes biting your tongue is much better than escalating it as rarely anything good comes from escalating.
I don’t mean accept rudeness, just sometimes turning it bigger isn’t for the best. Save the big ones for when they are really needed.

I think it’s ok to backtrack if you address it and explain why you are doing it. You could also then put in place a more achievable consequence if she does the same again and explain that this is one you have no problem sticking to.

I think it’s more harmful to stick to an unreasonable consequence personally but that’s just me.

Do not back track.

It's not a negotiation.

You set your standards and explain what will happen if not met.

You stick to that position.

Some families will have a line over here. Some over there. You've drawn your line. Do not let it be crossed.

It is the back tracking and blurring of lines that causes problems, not where they are set.

You need to sit her down, you her and her dad, and lay some ground rules or your life is about to go to shit - speaking from experience of DSD

Get a lock for your bedroom door
Buy a new pack of cheap school shirts

I wouldn’t tolerate rudeness but there are some things you need to let go or think of another solution … or you’ll be constantly on each others case which is no fun for anyone.

I agree you should follow up with a calm talk if possible (make sure you leave a decent interval!) And ask what's up and that you really want to go on the trip with her but you can't if she won't be pleasant and follow fair directions. Give her a chance to explain her side of things but highlight the rude way of talking to you (and especially hurling insults! I would not be happy with bitch at all) as unacceptable.

You could give her the chance to 'earn' it back, perhaps? That way, it helps her modify her behaviour and you're not seen as not following through. We all mess up sometimes, but as adults we get the chance to earn it back. I'd also be taking the opportunity to check in with her and making sure there's nothing else behind the change in behaviour. Secondary school is a big step up and takes some time to adjust, particularly with girls in my experience, who are often starting puberty. She may be having friendship worries or any manner of other things.

She called you a bitch which she probably didn't mean. You felt hurt and said what you said.

We all say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment, it's normal.

Use this as an opportunity to talk to her about her behaviour.

Instead of focusing on punishing her, look deeper, is she having problems with friends, hormones, combination of things.

Help her rather than isolating her and I'm sure her behaviour to you will improve.

,..one piece of advice to anyone heading into teenage years .. pick your battles.

Ask her for the shirt, if you don’t get it, she wears a dirty shirt.

Teenagers are growing up, you need to start letting go, and letting turn make their own decisions, and live with the consequences.

The only difference I would have made to that is to say "if you do / say that again then I am bringing little sis to concert" and then see if she does whatever it was, then she was fairly warned. I'm not sure jumping straight to punishment is ok - they need some way to pull back if they can.

Don't be threatening such big things which are chance to bond and enjoy. It will just breed resentment .

Immediate consequences if you must . You were rude . No Internet for an hour. Go read instead. No cake baking today.

Or just ignore it is hormones. There will be plenty to ignore and move on as she grows.

In the moment I said something like ‘if this is how you behave when we’re on our own then we won’t be going to X anymore’ and that I could easily take my teen sister instead.

But you haven't actually said that you won't go. You've said that IF this is how she behaves you won't go. She now has the chance to improve, it's up to her.

She asked you to do her a favour, to go out of your way to pick her up and you did. She was then rude and grumpy and complained that you did a necessary errand while you were out. She wouldn't take her uniform off even though it was for you to be able to wash it for her.

Although it might not seem something to go nuclear over I think this was just the last straw. What's DP's take on this? Does he discipline her or not?

Hold on this is the one where your sister stays quite often and she was accused of sending messages is it - apologies if not

Agree with others you’ve gone from zero to 100 in threatening to take away a big event. Can you try and calmly talk to her about it (on a walk or in a car is always a good one), and avoid using the tickets as a bargaining tool? The things you describe are pretty general teenage things but still things that absolutely need to be addressed.

When I was 14 and being an intolerable brat at home pumped full of hormones and an underdeveloped brain my Mum once said ‘You know you really really hurt me when you speak to me like this’ and I could see her upset. It stopped me in my tracks a bit and I really did start being less of a brat. I suppose some might say it was guilt tripping a bit these days but it worked on me.