Is this a bit harsh on a 3 year old?

I think the problem is that this one instance lacks a lot of context for people to be able to really say whether it was harsh or not. There's lots of instances where it would be an understandable response - maybe you had a habit of screaming blue murder every time she so much as left your side; maybe she had told you clearly that she was just nipping out to the garden for two minutes and the second she left you started screaming; maybe she was just awful and would just disappear and leave you screaming for ages before coming back to snap at you.

I don't really see why you want validation this was a harsh incident if she was more abusive than this.

Is it harsh to say it to a 3 year old? Yes. She probably should have been more reassuring and reminded you she was just outside. But if she was more abusive them not surprising really she was cold.

I've thought it several times with my own children, when I've told them I would be outside for 2 mins to get something / do something. But I've just reminded them where I was and to remember to look outside next time.

Agreed

Of course it's not ridiculous for a 3 year old to cry for their mum and a 3 year old shouldn't be told this.

I'm assuming that this is merely one of many things that you remember as being bad / unkind about her parenting.

As one memory, of something that happened when you were just a toddler, and without any context, it's not especially significant - a parent at the end of their tether whose toddler is having a clingy day, and who just wanted two minutes to go to the loo or something could easily say something like that, because nobody's perfect. But there is a clearly a bigger picture here, or you wouldn't be mentioning it.

One incident like this? Not a big deal. A whole pattern of cold, unloving and distant behaviour? Then it becomes a big deal.

Anyone saying your mother was perfectly correct in coldly telling her three year old it’s ridiculous to scream for her mother must be as cut-off and emotionally stunted as she was.

I dont really understand if your mum was abusive why you need it validated that this incident was harsh. You already know she was abusive so I’m sure you’re the last one to think that your mum behaving that way is ok.

If this was a one off incident then I think it’d be fair to just try and move on from it, understanding that it may have been a traumatic memory while recognising that she may have just reached the end of her tether as you might have been particularly screamy that day - you were 3, so you won’t remember the context of the day either. But if this was a pattern of abuse as you suggest then maybe you should think about getting some therapy to process what has happened to you, I’m not sure mumsnet validating what you’re feeling about individual incidents is going to be that helpful

It’s definitely a harsh thing to say to a 3 year old, though an early post nailed it when they predicted the AIBU response. It isn’t ever ridiculous for a 3 year old child to scream/cry for their mum- no matter the context, no matter how annoying it is for us, or how irrational it seems to us. A 3 year old is tiny, and doesn’t have the ability to think ‘oh my Mum’s only in the garden, she’ll be back in a sec’- if something distresses them, they will react, it’s how they’re wired. A parent’s job is meant to be to reassure, explain, set boundaries (kindly), time and time again, over many years. Not shame the child and tell them they’re being ridiculous.

Everyone says things in the heat of the moment when stressed or at the end of their tether, of course, so if she was generally a loving and supportive mum then the odd incident like this wouldn’t be the biggest deal ever. But the fact the memory has stayed with you, and you’re reflecting on it, suggests you may be questioning things in general about your relationship with her?

Surely it's fine to say there's no need to scream for me, I was in the garden. How is that abusive?

You're making a lot about one incident though. Yes it may have been a little harsh but we don't know the context around it or what had happened the rest of the day/week. Something like this really isn't a big deal by itself. If however it was part of lots of worse incidents then yes it would be an issue.

Yes, but who gets this right all of the time? When DDs were 3 I was rather frazzled by motherhood, as most of us are.

Not that I am excusing abuse, but this particular example isn't necessarily that.

My mum was at home until I was 7 and I remember her being horribly grumpy at times.

It’s really bloody harsh and cold @Cordswain ! At three a child needs help regulating emotions and love, warmth and care.

Sorry you were let down.

I hope not, I said this kind of thing all the time. "Don't scream unless it's an emergency!" was one thing I said quite a bit. I am one of those terrible working mums too.

It’s fine to tell a child to stop screaming, and it’s fine for a woman to have gone back to work full-time.

I agree about the context. I can imagine myself having said something not too dissimilar when my DS was younger and having a tantrum about something. Sometimes, you just have to ride it out and not engage emotionally. I imagine that this may only be one example though if you're thinking about it.

Also what’s the issue with her working full time? Lots of mums have to do this, there’s no problem with it and it’s admirable really that she worked so much to make sure you had what you needed.

Why were you screaming though? Because you were hurt, or because you wanted attention? That would make a difference. I can be a bit harsh to my DC when she is repeatedly shouting for me so I can’t get anything done.

I don't think there's anything wrong with this. Kids can be whiny and screamy and it's better to be a bit detached when they're tantrumming, or they'll learn that screaming gets them attention no matter what.

No I don't think it's harsh at all.

It clearly isn't great, but I think it's impossible to judge without knowing whether it was one isolated incident where she was imperfect, or a constant pattern. Parents are humans who make mistakes and, unfortunately, it's a normal human thing that bad memories can be more persistent than good ones, so having this memory could either mean that it was how you were treated constantly or it could mean that it formed a strong early memory because it was so unusual.