Is this a bit harsh on a 3 year old?

Not much of what happens at three is remembered. If your mother had been able to reassure you at the time, you probably would have forgotten it. Young children remember behaviours that got them into trouble because they are so reliant on the adults around them and need to act in ways that won't jeopardise their feeling of security.

If it’s an on going issue don’t eat yourself up nit picking about specific random scenarios from when you were young.
If you have realised your mother wasn’t great that’s it, she wasn’t great. There’s nothing you can do to change the past.
All you can do is try and figure out why she was like she was. Did she have a bad upbringing, mental health, relationship issues?
And then do what you can to work on yourself and healing from it and move on to live a happier life.
Sometimes we forget that parents are humans still and come with a whole load of issues and problems and that can affect how they interact and treat their children. It’s not excusing behaviour it’s just helping you make sense of it and realising it wasn’t a you issue.

I wonder why you’ve seized on that particular episode, then, if there are other more clearly abusive ones.

As others have said, it all depends on context. Were there other adults still in the house, or were you left completely alone? Might she have been out in the garden only for a very short time? Might she have told you she was going out there but you’d forgotten? Too many possibilities for anyone to pass judgement one way or the other.

That’s no way for any adult to speak to a 3 year old. Clearly, it’s left a lasting impression on you that I hope you can heal from 🙏🏽

Sounds like she was emotionally unavailable to you.

It’s all about context.

Was this an on going issue of her speaking to you harshly or was this a one off?

Had your mum had a stressful day with a three year old pushing her buttons and she needed a breather outside for 5 minutes?

Parents aren’t perfect and they make mistakes. A one off isn’t something to focus on but if there’s an on going issue it might be something to dive into.

At three you were still learning to self-regulate. The fact that you remember this incident suggests it was significant to you even if it seems mundane or trivial to others looking at it with adult eyes.

Well why is it only context that your mum went back to work, and you didn't mention your dad also going back to work.

Feels like you are holding it against your mum for doing what pretty much everyone dad has done.

Of course it’s harsh but there isn’t a single parent who has ever existed who hasn’t been too harsh with their child at some point. Because parents are humans.

If this is your worst childhood memory then you are very lucky and your Mum had a bad moment one time. If it’s part of a bigger picture then I don’t know why you are asking about this specific incident and only this incident. This incident doesn’t matter if there were worse things going on.

This incident is a normal “no parent gets it right 100% of the time” kind of incident so if you want opinions on whether your childhood was abusive/neglectful/harsh in general then you need to give a broader picture.

Where was your dad in this? Was he a career man that returned to work after you were born?

Sometimes instead of coming to look for me mine have just shouted and screamed for me and it is bloody irritating. I have definitely told them to stop screaming and instead to come and find me.

This is a very strange post.

It's not perfect parenting, it sounds like she was frustrated and overstimulated. Do you have your own children? I am sure they will also have memories of when you haven't been the parent you aim to be.

You were 3 and the chances of this memory being 100% accurate, or having the full context of what had happened that day are very small.

If you're bitter at your Mum for working (no mention of your Dad!?) then that's a whole other thing that needs unpacking.

It depends on how long she had been alone for etc. I've watched my child look for me briefly (sorting out laundry in utility and wanted to get it done) and it was interesting how quickly he got worried when I wasn't where he expected me to be. He's very chilled, but he was clearly phased by not finding me where he thought I was going to be. If he'd been on his own for another five minutes, I think he'd have been in a right state.

I used to tell mine to stop shrieking the house down just because they couldn't see me if i was, for eg, in the loo with the door closed.

Blood curdling screams for emergencies only. And worked to a) keep a roof over our heads and b) keep my sanity

That seems quite extreme from a 3 year old. Or at least, mine would just look for me around the house, he wouldn’t scream.

I also think the tone of voice is very relevant - if my three year old panicked because he couldn't find me, I would give him a huge hug as soon as I saw him. Three is very small and they're working out a lot of stuff at that age.

what are you bashing here? harsh mums? career women? Need specifics so i can vote

A mother who acts like this is setting a child up to have a very self-judgemental inner voice as an adult which can cause a lot of unnecessary problems. Your mother should have helped you deal with your genuine emotions without shaming you.

I don’t think I’ve seen one person say that on this thread. What they have said, is that it depends on the situation.

If a three year old was screaming because they were told “no” they couldn’t have chocolate for breakfast, then mum popped in the garden to hang the washing out, while the three year old stood in the doorway screaming MUUUMMMMMMMMM at the top of her lungs while crying, then the mother isn’t being cruel to say stop screaming its ridiculous.

Also as others have pointed out, it could be that the mother was having a terrible time that day and made a mistake. Parents are human. Sometimes they say things that in hindsight they shouldn’t have. As a stand alone comment if there was never any other things like this happen in her parenting, why does that mean she is emotionally stunted??

If there are indeed many other behaviours that mean the mother is abusive then yes maybe she is “emotionally stunted” or a horrible mother. But as a stand alone issue, it really isn’t that big a deal.

I hope you're ok. I think the main thing is that it's v telling that this is an important memory for you - and something you're trying to address. It's not a working mum/not working mum question, it's something that happened to you, that you clearly remember vividly and feels symbolic to you.

You've said she was "more abusive than this" and yet you've only cited this one incident (which does not constitute abuse by the way). You need to give more examples.

Hmm.. I hope not as I’m always asking my 3yo (nearly 4) DD to stop screeching for me for some inane reason. Sometimes it makes me jump!

I agree with the others that if you know she was abusive, ruminating on individual occurrences isn’t helpful. Are you seeking help for the damage she caused?