Is this a bit harsh on a 3 year old?

I agree with PP, in isolation I'd agree it's normal realistic parenting even if it's not something out of a gentle parenting manual. If there is a bigger picture then I think that's more what you need to talk about, not necessarily here but where you feel safe.

Context is key. Rather than focus on this one off incident, how was she in general?
Yes, it does sound harsh and cold but as parents we've all reached the end of our tether sometimes and can lose patience with a screaming child. One of mine used to scream the house down as a toddler and there were times I just walked into another room for my own sanity.

Life is life though. It's messy, it's imperfect. I agree that child abuse shouldn't be dismissed but all parents are falible, no childhood is angelic and perfect (from either side) and we cannot expect our parents to be holier than Jesus. In the end we have to process childhood experiences how we see fit, have the contact with our family that we see fit and become a functioning adult. That's not really anybody else's responsibility but our own. OP can ask the internet what they think of a parent all they want but the only person who's opinion matters in the end is their's. It's their responsibility to process it now as a grown adult.

I am constantly telling my 3 year old not to cry and talk to me without crying. My 3 year old thinks a no means she can cry and get the no reversed

however if my 3 year old cries because she has hurt herself, is unwell she has all my sympathies and attention and love and care.

so it's all contextual.

OP, I think you might find some peace and solace listening to what Gabor Maté has to say about suppressed emotions in childhood. There are lots of his videos on Youtube. Do not let others minimise your experience. You were three. You felt what you felt. All you needed was help with learning how to regulate your emotions. Parents who are able to guide their children in this area are giving their children a wonderful gift to take into adulthood.

I'll probably get eaten alive for saying this, but being a mum can be exhausting, relentless and hard, and no mum is going to get it right all the time. There seems to be this mythological societal ideal of a perfect mum who never raises her voice, is always serene, never says or does the wrong thing (whatever that may be) and always does the right thing (whatever that may be).

As an isolated incident, should your mum have said that? Probably not. But no one is perfect and there is no such thing as a perfect mother or a perfect childhood. Perhaps she was trying to sort out something in the garden, whilst contemplating an issue at work, wondering what she was going to make for dinner, or if the laundry had been done or hung up, or whether there's enough milk for breakfast in the morning, or if you'd brushed your teeth, or when the last time the hoovering was done and so on.

Parenting can be hard and relentless and a lot of the mental load and the pressure falls on mothers. I have regrets about things I have said to my children in the past. I have apologised for them and tried to use the experience to make me a better mother by changing how I respond to situations I find challenging. I am not perfect but I love my children and I am doing my best. What more can one do?

A pattern of behaviour could be different. I understand from the boards on here that there are some abusive, selfish women who cause huge amounts of damage to their children. It's a matter for you where you go from here, but I hope you find comfort and understanding wherever you end up.

Please post on the stately homes thread, you may find help there.

When my kids went through their "screaming for no reason all the bloody time" phase I got quite sharp about it too because it's not a behaviour I want them to learn. Apparently according to a PP that makes me "emotionally stunted" and I should have just raised children who get to 10+ and think it's acceptable to screech at everything. Presuming those posters who think that's acceptable won't later post on AIBU about their neighbours' kids screaming on their trampoline all day long in the summer.

Did you have a career father too? They're the worst. Straight back to work and everything...

Are you a mum? I have 3 kids and they all went through a phase of screaming the place down for me as soon as I went out of sight. My 2nd was a nightmare for it. I only had to literally walk behind her to do something, while she was sitting down to her ridiculous screams for me. It was ridiculous I was literally just behind her and could of touched her I was so close. As parents we have stuff to do in the house and as kids they want us in sight which is impossible but something we all learn in childhood our parents will be back in a couple of minutes and not scream the place down as though they're being murdered soon as we turn our backs. Depends on why you were screaming tbh. If you were hurt then you're justified, if you were happily playing and noticed she wasn't there right then and screamed blue murder, then quite likely she was angry you screamed as you did for no reason in her eyes. We do shout and do seem severe sometimes and we do sometimes regret our actions but likely she was thinking blooming heck I can hear her out here what will neighbours think so told you off. I would of done the same in same situation, if you were happy playing and I went to hang washing out very quickly, then could hear you screaming, running in thinking you'd hurt yourself, to find you perfectly fine and just screaming for me.

I genuinely wouldn’t say this to my three year old, I think it’s harsh.

Yep I say this too, although now concerned my child will grow up traumatised 😬

I would find it ridiculous if my three-year-old was screaming because they didn’t know where I was in the house, but my three year old would simply walk into the garden to find me. Three year olds aren’t babies. Mine starts school this year.

You are focusing too much on this one memory and I think you need to go to therapy. What parent hasn’t told a three-year-old to stop screaming? It’s prime tantrum/overreaction age. If you pandered to them every time and did all the “ooh are you okay sweetie” stuff then you’ll end up with an overindulged terror. Are you a parent, OP?

This^
It’s a very extreme reaction for a 3 year old to scream and be so terrified that they’d lost their mum in the house. I can understand it if you were out. Was there a reason you didn’t feel secure in your home? Surely most 3 year olds know their mum’s around somewhere.

It's amazing how these memories bubble to the surface, Cordswain. I too have similar really early memories too and was brought up by abusive emotionally unavailable parents.

A good counsellor helped me sort it out in my own head. Maybe that might be something to help you? Whatever, do not allow replies supporting your mother get to you. A 3 year old (and older children too) feels what she feels and doesn't have capacity to "understand" the adult's pressures and stresses.

There is someone (not saying it's the OP) who repeatedly posts about isolated and, on the face of it, relatively trivial incidents from their childhood involving their mother. The mother's behaviour isn't model parenting, but, as a one-off, certainly don't amount to abuse. Poster then receives a very mixed response from others, who invariably ask why they're fixating on a single incident.

Poster then goes on to reveal that this one incident is just part of a larger pattern of behaviour and that the parent routinely did far worse. Which begs the question, as others have already asked, if you already KNOW said parent was abusive and terrible, why highlight one trivial incident as supposed evidence of terrible behaviour? At the very least, say this was part of a much larger pattern of behaviour.

Nobody should dismiss the concerns of a child who has to suppress their feelings of distress to keep the adults caring for them sweet.

I don’t think I’ve seen one person say that on this thread.
They have.

No harsh at all. She was just teaching you how to behave.
YABU

You remember screaming when you were three? And you remember exactly what your mum said. Somehow there’s something going on there that’s more to do with you right now and how you perceive your childhood and like others have said why pick on that 1 incident. that’s an absolutely nothing incident, every child misses their mum and may well scream for them it’s no big deal. She was in the garden no big deal But there’s something else going on perhaps, that Is a big deal that you’re not telling us about but you don’t have to. And I hope you get help sorting that out.

If the issue is "my mother was abusive" then post about that instead of a random odd sentence.

What your career-dad's role in your life? Was he also an awful career-parent who went to work after becoming a father? The horror of it.

This - can’t believe the poll result tbh!

It was different 20-30 years ago. Nowadays there is a lot of pressure on parents to put the child in the centre of everything. But when I was little, it was deemed enough if the kids were clean, clothed, fed and taken to doctor when required. I would not measure our parents by the current stardard of upbringing, because things have changed a lot since we were little.

Meh. You are gonna get a lot of folks backs up by implying that working full time is problematic in terms of parenting and leads to a child being isolated. And without knowing why you were crying it’s impossible to say. If you were hungry, cold, neglected in a house on your own for hours then yes that’s a huge problem. But if you were having a tantrum due to not getting your own way, or mum was having a time out, or hanging out washing or something then not so much.

I think if that's the worst thing you can remember from your childhood and you are now a happy, healthy adult with a roof over your head you should focus more on the fact that you're luckier than many others in the world tbh and try and enjoy your life