Is this a bit harsh on a 3 year old?

The OP has said on other threads that her mother was an alcoholic.

This thread has to be taken in context of that.

I'm really sorry OP had such a horrible childhood and hope she's getting the support she needs, but it's a bit pointless posting one example when clearly there is a very different back story.

It's possible to hold compassion both for the little boy who was excited to show off the clean sink, and for the mum who felt triggered by the dirty toothbrush. Both for the little girl scared because she couldn't find her mum, and for the mum who has popped out to the garden and then has to stop what she's doing because her small child is screaming over something that to her wasn't a real threat (though I can see why it was to younger you).

Parents can sometimes say things they think are reassuring "stop crying, you're okay, nothing to be worried about" etc but that can feel really dismissive to be on the recieving end of.

We can't be and respond perfectly every time. But what we can do is to try be less reactive and more curious and responsive and when we are aware there has been a misunderstanding that we apologise and explain why it happened.

I'm sorry if your mum wasn't willing or able to do this for you.

Indeed. It's pretty unusual to remember things from that young and if she was actually 4 years old then it wouldn't be odd if a 4 year old got a sharp telling off for throwing a tantrum because their mum went into the garden.

If you were left alone in the house for a long period of time then it’s on the harsh side of things, but maybe try and empathise with the your mum. No parent is perfect, despite what mumsnet make mums look like, and she was probably unable to relate or understand a very young child who was testing her resolve.

I'd say that "good enough" parents have many of these miscommunication incidents where because the parent isn't a mind reader, they guess wrong about what is happening in a situation, and there is a mismatch between how they would have responded if they knew everything the child did and how they responded with the limited information they had available.

E.g. when my eldest was young he once used my electric toothbrush to clean around the tap fittings. I was hurt and angry because I associated that sort of thing with someone being really disrespectful and I told him off. He was then really upset. Later after talking to him, I realised he didn't think about me then putting it in my mouth after he had done that and hadn't meant to upset me he didn't have the cultural context of people doing yucky things with toothbrushes as a bullying thing. He just found a really effective way to clean the sink and was proud of himself because he thought he had been helpful. I was able to put a replacement head on the toothbrush and he learnt not to use toothbrushes that people will put in their mouths to scrub stuff. No real harm done. It turns out later that he's likely autistic and maybe that played a part in him not thinking it through or being aware but maybe it was just because he was young.

I felt bad for over-reacting to him and upsetting him over an innocent misunderstanding. But in my head dirtying someone's toothbrush was a really disgusting thing to do and I felt hurt.

So I would say that it's not unusual for even good parents to have times where they don't understand what the child was going through and respond wrongly to them. Your mum in that situation may not have understood the sense of panic and abandonment you experienced, to her it was obvious she wasn't far away but to you it wasn't.

It was harsh on you when you were feeling like that to have that response.
But it may not have seemed harsh to her, it can be hard as a parent when you have a young child and feel you can't even leave the room to do a chore without them following.

But it could be that this incident kind of encapuslates the relationship, with her missing your emotions a lot (either through her own communication difficulties if autistic or generally being unsympathetic or lacking empathy towards you) and not offering enough emotional support.

Parents don't need to be perfect about meeting their kids emotional needs, relationships can survive mismatched responses. But if they are happening more often than not and she doesn't have the time, skills, curiousity or empathy to realise there are problems and repair them, then overtime it will damage the relationship and culumlatively you'd feel it as neglect.

I agree with this. I also think 3 is very young to possible remember exactly what happened. It also makes a difference about her being a working mum, was it by choice and she could easily afford to stay home or she needed to support you put a roof over your head and food in your belly,?

Only child here. I worked out eventually - and I really do mean eventually, as in over two decades after she died - that my mother had autism. Not a light touch/Aspie type of autism, but the whole nine yards. That sounds exactly what she would have said - I have a plethora of similar cold, unfeeling responses that I can remember. I finally worked it out because, although when I told stories about neglect that sounded absolutely terrible if you just listened to the words, I didn't ever sound distressed when I was telling them. I found this interesting. So, I managed to find a friend who had a very similar experience and we joined up all the dots together. As children lots of us do just adjust. It is neglect - emotional and perhaps also physical (in my case) - but not exactly. It's more a case of it was the best the parent could manage - you can't fault my mother for trying hard in many ways - so that's what you got on with. My friend had the same dinner every day bar Sunday for years and years and years - my mother would eat different things if I cooked them, so I cooked the evening meal from quite a young age. So in my own case, nothing was particularly terrible if you apply the ASD filter, but it was a very tough gig on paper. My mother just did not want to be needed emotionally - it repelled her. Perhaps yours was the same. And this is only a suggestion, but perhaps you're asking in your dispassionate manner because you adjusted similarly...

I was thinking of that poster too.

Memories are extremely unreliable, especially at 3 years old. The actual event probably bore very little resemblance to the one you are imagining.

You need to speak to a professional. Seeking validation from strangers on the internet for being told off for screaming as a child is frankly weird.

From your posts this incident obviously wasn’t in isolation and there were other things that happened that have affected you.
I don’t think it’s normal for anyone to be that cold and unfeeling to a 3 year old who has panicked at not being able to find their Mum within the house.
My own Mother wouldn’t have won any parenting classes and I remember feeling anxious as a child, her own childhood was difficult mostly because of her own mothers upbringing. Neither are/were very good at showing affection, had expectations that I would never dream of putting on my own children regarding chore lists/cooking family meals from about the age of 7 etc
Im very aware I probably over compensate with my own children because I would never want them to feel as I did, so if any of them were upset I would comfort them.
3 years old to me isn’t much more than a baby, the thought of one being scared and upset because they couldn’t find their Mum is pretty sad.

Not abusive at all

Oh, well that obviously puts a very different spin on things.

Don't worry. I remember crying because I thought I'd lost mum when out at a similar age. DM told me not to be so silly and actually I found it reassuring because she clearly didn't think it was anything to worry about.

Yes it was harsh but, as others have said, maybe that was a one off and she was very stressed out. Actually I lost my temper at my little girl the other week - I really shouted and she cried and took herself into the living room where she drew me a picture. It was of 'mummy very angry at me'. She had drawn my face red. She is 5. I have put that picture up on my fridge and honestly it reminds me to never shout at her, or the others. It was like a dagger in my heart, that picture, but I need to see it. I apologised so much and she drew me another picture where we were cuddling. But we all have moments where we are not the best mum that we want to be. Being a mum can be stressful. You may remember that cold tone but maybe she was a great mum the next day or maybe she cuddled you and said sorry but you can't remember. Sending love.

@Cordswain If your mum is dead maybe you should say she was an alcoholic. That gives the context and you'd get a lot more support as no doubt her behaviour was not ideal for much of the time.

I'm sorry.

I had a close friend whose mum was the same.

I get that abuse is real and does happen but there can be a real double standard with mums and dads.

Or we recognise that sometimes mothers don't always get it perfect and the toddler stage is particularly stressful for many mums. We'd love to be Chilli and Bingo's dad 100% of the time but can't always respond that way in the moment. Also 3 year olds are unreliable narrators. Sometimes my 5 year old tells me I shouted at him when what he means is that I put my fun voice away and lowered my tone to tell him to stop doing something dangerous/mean. It's just how young children can sometimes wrongly interpret and recollect events.

It does people a disservice to encourage judgment of loved ones from a singular incident- as part of a bigger picture of emotional coldness and unavailability, fine for OP to talk this through with qualified professionals. But ruminating over a single incident based on the recollection of a 3 year old won't help OP.

Don’t worry, as long as children feel loved the odd shouting/losing it will do no damage. Op has said this is an ongoing issue so obviously part of a larger picture of neglect/abuse.

OP has said elsewhere that her mum had some issues.

That's part of the context.

@Cordswain There are other parts of MN where your thought might be explored more gently than AIBU.

Maybe you could ask for this to be moved and even edit your posts so the circumstances were clear?

I'm sorry you're feeling upset but you do need to explain what was happening.

All the best with your search for some kind of 'closure'.

As PPs have said, context is key. You didn’t know where she was so you screamed? It’s entirely possible for a young child to become distressed in these circumstances. But your mother may have felt she was reassuring you that she was nearby and screaming was unnecessary. Or maybe she was being unkind. Who knows at this point?

If she was abusive, as some of your posts suggest, why have you mentioned this particular incident? It seems ambiguous, not a clear cut example of abusive behaviour.

I also wonder why you mentioned her work history. Is this thread an attempt to discredit and criticise working mothers? But not working fathers, of course. 🙄

all those who are "all astonishment" at the answers might want to re-read the working mum bashing in the initial post.

No context and working mum (no mention of dad unless specifically asked) bashing? For sure in AIBU you're going to get pushback.

@Cordswain It's clear from some of your other posts that your Mum had real issues (you have said what they were.)

Your childhood was possibly very dysfunctional.

Are you having therapy to try to explore it and is that why you've asked about this one incident?

It's puzzling why you've posted this but not explained the context , which is clear from your other posts.

Am I right in thinking you and your Mum aren't in contact now- and that you're re-thinking that?

I think it was a bit cold. I would find it difficult not to hug and reassure my child in that scenario. You were clearly scared.